Spare a thought for Richard Holden. While every other senior Tory politician had sensibly chosen to lock themselves in a darkened room with a bottle of scotch and a syringe full of heroin, the Conservative party chair took one for the team. A long stint on the airwaves from soon after the polls had closed through to the following morning.
It’s hard to know whether this was bravery or complete stupidity. He could be like the Japanese soldier found on a Pacific island in the 1970s who didn’t know his country had surrendered in 1945 and was still trying to escape capture by the enemy.
Rich is one of the last believers in the Tory party. A man who reckons Rishi Sunak is just days away from a stunning renaissance. Just one more tax rise disguised as a tax cut. Just one more token refugee voluntarily taking a bung to fly to Rwanda. Then all would be well. The gratitude would come flooding in. Let Rish! be Rish!
The evening had begun with Holden in bullish form. Getting his excuses in early. You had to remember that 2021 had been a high point for the Tories as so many people were still thrilled with their Covid windfalls. So even if the Conservatives were totally annihilated in this week’s local elections, it would show that people were actually right behind the party. The general election was as good as in the bag.
Come breakfast time, Rich was in a more reflective mood. The drugs had worn off and he was beginning to feel a bit strung out. A hint of reality was beginning to creep into his media appearances.
“OK,” he reluctantly admitted. “It hadn’t been a great night for the Tories.” Results had been sub-optimal – as in, catastrophic – but this was what happened to every government mid-term. Er, Earth to Dick. Come in please. We’re a maximum of six months out from a general election. This isn’t a casual kick up the arse. It’s everyone saying enough is enough. “We’re listening,” said Dick. Except he wasn’t. His special adviser passed him his meds and he went home to sleep.
You would have thought Lee Anderson might have been quite chipper. After all, Reform had come a narrow third behind the Tories in the Blackpool byelection. But 30p Lee was far more interested in picking a fight with Nick Robinson on the Today programme after the presenter correctly observed he had not so long ago defected from the party where he had been deputy chair.
“That’s just wrong,” snapped Lee. He hadn’t defected. Well, he had defected from Labour to the Conservatives, obviously. But he hadn’t defected from the Conservatives as technically he had been an independent because he had been suspended for Islamophobic remarks. So noble! Such integrity!
Eventually Lee grudgingly agreed it had been a good night for Reform. On this showing the party was going to win more than a handful of seats in the general election. Robinson pounced. In which case why doesn’t Nigel Farage, the party’s main owner, stand as a candidate? “Why don’t you?” snapped Lee. He’s really not very bright. Nick observed this wasn’t one of those programmes where politicians got to ask other politicians of the same party questions. 30p sloped off to GB News where he could do just that.
Mid-morning, Keir Starmer showed up in Blackpool to give a press statement with his newest MP. The victory had never been in any doubt, but the Labour leader tried to portray it as a seismic moment in British politics. A flag planted on the marble arch. A swing of over 26% to Labour.
Only we’ve been here before. This was the fifth swing of more than 20% in the last year or so. It showed what we already knew. That whatever people’s personal reservations about Starmer, the one thing of which they are certain is that they are sick to death of the Tories. Keir didn’t mention Oldham, where his stance on Gaza had lost him the council. Nor Harlow. Best not to let some minor setbacks muddy the overall picture.
Just as it looked like the TV coverage was flagging – a staggered count over 48 hours doesn’t make the most gripping viewing – up stepped Andrea Leadsom on Politics Live to rescue the day. A saviour to rise from these streets. It’s hard to think of a politician who knows less about politics than our Andrea. To think she almost became prime minister. No one can say the Tories don’t have a sense of humour.
Andrea had a major strop. Mainly about the BBC accurately reporting the election results. Andrea wanted her own personal reality to be broadcast. That actually these had been a wonderful series of results and that what this proved was that Sunak’s plan was working. His plan to lead the party into opposition.
Just then it was announced that Ben Houchen had been re-elected Tees Valley mayor with the help of a £3bn windfall from the Treasury. Who knew? Andrea leant into the Rapture. This was a turning point, she said. Salvation was at hand. Just minutes after election guru John Curtice had said the mayoral elections were no guide to anything. You can’t buy a brain like Andrea’s. Within minutes, Houchen had confirmed he had recently suffered from severe memory loss. Which explained why he had failed to mention the Tories or Sunak in his campaign literature.
At about the same time, Rish! himself gave a pool clip surrounded by armoured vehicles. His security detail to protect him from fellow Conservatives. Everything was going amazingly, he said. The plan was working. Labour’s plan, that is. But we shouldn’t draw too many conclusions from the results so far as it was still early days and the picture could change. As if the results up until now had been an outlier and that the ones to come would show a massive swing to the Tories. Andrea’s stupidity was contagious.
Meanwhile, with nothing much going on and everyone having too much time on their hands, some people began to invent their own results on Twitter. Many decided Susan Hall had won the London mayoralty before anyone had even started counting the votes. If true, the capital would be in the hands of a half-wit. And you just might find half the capital volunteering for a free flight to Rwanda. Starting with me.
