No matter the occasion, gift-giving is an intrinsic part of being a kind human being who shows their loved ones just how much they mean to them. However, the reality is that some people don’t put in the ‘proper’ amount of effort. While they’re happy to receive Christmas gifts, they might not want to reciprocate.
Writer, volunteer, and wildlife biologist Matt Howard (@howies_everythingclub) recently went viral after calling on all husbands to do better and fill their partners’ Christmas stockings this year. The internet loved his videos on the topic, as well as his suggestions. Scroll down for the full story.
Bored Panda reached out to Howard to talk about filling stockings and his massively viral videos. He was happy to answer our questions. You’ll find our full interview with him below.
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More and more people are realizing that many men in committed relationships do not fill their partners’ Christmas stockings
Image credits: goobergobb
Matt Howard went viral after discussing the topic on TikTok. He gave some practical advice for men this holiday season
Image credits: howies_everythingclub
“This post is for everybody. But it’s especially for men in committed relationships. Here’s what you’re gonna do this year: you’re gonna fill your partner’s stocking. You do the best you can until you know better. And then when you know better, you do better. That’s what Maya Angelou says. You may be saying, ‘I’ve never done this before, how do I do it?’ It’s easy. Go through your shower, medicine cabinets, makeup counter and find stuff that’s consumable that they use a lot and that they’re running low on and just replace a bunch of it. Get some treats they like – that one’s an easy one. Then, a couple small gifts that you found online that you think they would like.”
Image credits: Erica Marsland Huynh / Unsplash (not the actual photo)
“Here’s the second thing you’re going to do. You’re going to find someone in your life who is a single mom, and you are going to fill a stocking for them and you are going to anonymously drop it off on their doorstep. I posted this last year, and there were a lot of really great comments that I wanted to add on to this one, including suggestions and one little caveat. At the end of the last video, I said if you are going to drop off a stocking on a single mom’s doorstep to do it anonymously, and a handful of people said that could come across as creepy. I said that because I didn’t want there to be an expectation of some sort of reciprocity and also sometimes people get uncomfortable if they think there is charity from someone they know. And in that case, anonymity is usually a better choice. I don’t want this to be charity. This is a gift for someone you care about. And the added bonus is on Christmas morning, they have something alongside their kids, so their kids don’t think they were naughty that year.”
Image credits: S&B Vonlanthen / Unsplash (not the actual photo)
“Here are some of your suggestions: hot cocoa bombs, fuzzy socks, chapsticks, gum, hand-warmers, cash, earrings, gift cards, useful keychains – something like a flashlight, hair ties, candles. Make sure you match brand and color and everything on makeup. It takes a very long time to find what works for them. And then, just little versions of things that she likes. People like little stuff.”
Image credits: Roman Odintsov / Pexels (not the actual photo)
“This happened to me one Christmas. I was underemployed, we had tiny kids, we had barely scraped together what felt like a pretty decent Christmas, but we had no money for a Christmas dinner. Someone anonymously dropped off a stocking full of little toys and stuff for the kids and a $20 bill that we were able to use to buy pizza for Christmas Eve dinner.”
Image credits: vipklouny / Envato Elements (not the actual photo)
You can watch the man’s video in full right here
@howies_everythingclubLast year i dont think i gave people enough lead time but my dudes you gotta get started on this now. Its not a Christmas eve at target kind of thing. The good news is there will be a million local booths and fairs from local artists filled with little stuff all over the place♬ original sound – howies_everythingclub
Howard, the author of the viral clips, told us that the topic most likely went viral because “it’s so common for one member of straight partnerships, usually the woman, to do so much of the work to make Christmas magic.”
He told Bored Panda that “even one small gesture showing that their work is appreciated would go a long way. It doesn’t have to be a filled stocking, but that’s sure an easy one to do. The fact that so many people just don’t do it when it’s an expectation or at least a hope is pretty sad.”
According to Howard, Xmas stockings are great because they’re a low-stakes way of showing appreciation.
“It’s not the big present under the tree you may have one shot at getting right. It’s a lot of little ways to give something thoughtful,” he said.
“If one thing doesn’t work, you’ve got some other things in there that might. Ideally, none of it should cost much, so if you get one wrong, it’s no big deal.”
Howard drew our attention to the fact that gift-giving is just like any other skill. It “requires practice and sometimes incremental progress. I like the stocking because it gives lots of opportunities for trial and error.”
Though the man went viral on TikTok, for him, content creation is more of a hobby. And he likes to keep it that way.
“I think if I get started taking it seriously, it would stop being a fun creative outlet. Mostly, I just want people to learn about birds and trees, though if occasionally I can teach husbands and boyfriends how to make their partners feel a little more appreciated, that sounds like a win.”
An 80-year Harvard study unequivocally found that it’s our positive relationships that contribute the most to our happiness, health, and longevity. To put it simply, supportive and nurturing relationships help us deal with the stress that we deal with in life.
So it is absolutely essential that you strengthen your relationships with your loved ones and friends as much as possible. However, you have to put in the time, energy, and effort.
You shouldn’t be relying on luck that everything ‘will turn out all right’ when it comes to love, romance, and friendship. You need to very proactively (re)connect to the people in your life. Starting with the love of your life!
Luckily, most people are hard-wired for kindness, altruism, and being social. Our brains reward us for helping others. Meanwhile, giving someone whom we care about a gift is as good as receiving one. Or, to put it more simply: making others happy makes us happy, too.
He later shared a follow-up clip which received even more attention on the internet
@howies_everythingclub Alright here’s stocking stuffing 201. The intro is here @howies_everythingclub ♬ original sound – howies_everythingclub
Howard published two videos in November about filling stockings. Both of them went viral. His first clip, in early November, was viewed 36.9k times. Meanwhile, a video that he released a couple of weeks after that was viewed a million times and counting.
Clearly, Howard touched a raw nerve here. A lot of women in long-term, committed relationships feel that their spouses aren’t putting as much effort into their gifts as they are. These women find that their Christmas stockings are left unfilled. And some don’t even find a present underneath the Xmas tree.
How important gifts are to you will depend on a lot of different factors. How you were raised, the traditions you had in your family, your financial situation, and what you most value as a person will all impact this.
For some people, an unfilled stocking is no big deal because they might value experiences or quality time spent with loved ones more. For others, small physical gifts act as a reminder that their partner still loves, respects, and cares about them.
So if you know for a fact that your partner loves receiving (and giving!) presents, you may want to put in more effort. That way, you’re showing your spouse that you understand them and what they value, and that it matters to you that they’re loved.
At the end of the day, what we all really want is to be appreciated, understood, and treated with kindness. It’s all about feeling connected in a deeper way.
However, there are four main issues at play here. First of all, someone might not fill their partner’s stocking because it’s simply not a tradition that they’ve ever embraced, so they’re not aware of its significance. In that case, their spouse might want to bring up the idea of turning it into a tradition during a friendly conversation.
Secondly, in some cases, the husband might genuinely not care enough about his relationship to put in the effort into gift-giving. In these cases, the issues are most likely deeply rooted and need to be addressed through a lot of in-depth discussions. Couples therapy is also always an option as well.
Third, some folks simply have an extremely difficult time coming up with original and thoughtful gift ideas. After so many birthdays, anniversaries, and Christmases, it’s natural that some of us run out of ideas.
In these cases, you can be blunt and ask your partner what they’d like. Or you can look back at their hobbies and passions over the years if you need some inspiration. Or you can pick out something that isn’t original but which means a lot to the other person.
Remember, you’re not competing with your friends, colleagues, and neighbors: it’s the thought, not what others think of your present, that counts.
The fourth issue is that… there might not even be an actual problem in the first place. Essentially, people have different expectations for what they’d like to receive for Christmas. Even if your spouse is well-intentioned, they might set the bar too high.
So no matter what you get them, no matter how thoughtful you were, they might still end up disappointed because you didn’t get them that one specific thing that they really wanted (and were hoping you’d sense they wanted it).
With the holidays upon us, let’s remember that nobody is a mind-reader (at least we think not…). If there’s an issue with not enough attention, reciprocity, or respect, the mature thing to do is to talk it out.
In the meantime… it really doesn’t take much effort to stuff a stocking with some small presents. But it’s sure to send the message that you care about your partner very much.
Here’s how the TikTok community reacted to Howard’s clips
