Whatever you expected from the musical film set to accompany the release of Jennifer Lopez’s ninth studio album, you will still be surprised, and I cannot say it will be pleasant.
The film, which flicks between a storyline about finding self love and a string of musical performances set in a giant metallic rib cage, glass-floored apartment block and mystical desert, is like one big drug-induced fever dream.
It invokes roughly the same mental sensation as looking at the two screens in a bowling alley, with one playing the weird animated montage you see when someone scores a strike, and the other a series of high energy music videos. Not because it’s providing for a low attention span, like those TikToks of Modern Family clips set in the forefront of a game of Subway Surfers, but because it is genuinely maddening. You don’t know what you’re watching.
So, for those unwilling to corrupt their brains, here are the most mind-boggling moments from the insanity that is This Is Me… Now.
1. It begins with the legend of Alida and Taroo, who are heavily implied to be Bennifer
J Lo talks the viewer through the old Puerto Rican legend of Alida and Taroo, two young lovers from rival tribes who were forbidden from continuing their romance. Instead of marrying another man, Alida decides to become a rose, and Taroo becomes a hummingbird so he can find her.
Throughout the film it is hinted, with a pretty heavy hand, that Jennifer is Alida and Ben Affleck is her Taroo. This is essentially confirmed in one of the film’s final shots, when you can see the tell tale chin of one Mr Benjamin Affleck. It’s giving Romeo and Juliet, if Romeo and Juliet wasn’t in the public domain yet and they needed a way around the copyright.
2. Jennifer Lopez has a metaphorical metallic heart that runs on… rose petals
One of the first moments you truly realise This Is Me… Now is going to be batshit crazy is during the first dance sequence. A thumping rework of Jenny from the Block plays as J Lo and her team of trusty female mechanics (Or are they welders? Blacksmiths? Plumbers? Have they unionised? Do they have adequate working conditions?) work to restart the pumping of her metaphorical metallic heart, which has stopped because it’s been broken too many times.
The heart, which is made up of sheet metal and bad CGI, appears to run on rose petals, in a freak miracle of science that I’m sure cardiologists would love to understand. But they never will, because they aren’t J Lo. This sentiment also applies to the entire rest of the film. Anyway, the rose petals have all died because J Lo is giving up on true love, so now J Lo’s big steampunk heart is packing it in, as is your ability to suspend disbelief. But there is so much left to come.
3. J Lo wakes up from a heartbreak coma and dives straight into an abusive relationship
We don’t see much of this relationship, but we do see its unravelling by way of a dance fight, in which the pair are tied together by a rope, like a sexy umbilical cord. The whole thing takes place inside a fully glass apartment block (how’d they get planning permission for that?!) which obviously shatters by the end. As J Lo emerges, victorious and free from yet another whirlwind relationship, she mutters the eternal words “F*** Libras”.
4. Keke Palmer and Jane Fonda guest star as gods
I wish I was kidding. Keke Palmer, Jane Fonda, Trevor Noah, Kim Petras, Post Malone, Sophia Vergara and Neil Degrasse Tyson all guest star in This Is Me… Now as the “zodiacal council” that watches over J Lo’s love life. As they lament her lack of connection with a Libra (“But Libra and Leo are meant to work!” cries Trevor Noah, who must already be regretting his decision to appear in this film) they also have meaningful dialogue where they discuss things such as: how beautiful J Lo is, how Post Malone just wants to “give her a big hug”, and how they occasionally chew on their own hair.
5. Ben Affleck guest stars as a Trump-esque newsreader
As well as that single shot of Affleck’s chin towards the end of the movie, J Lo’s beau also made a more lengthy appearance while in disguise as ranting, raving Fox News-esque newsreader Rex Stone. Incognito in Trumpian orange makeup and a combover, Affleck waxes lyrical, saying: “Loving yourself means never having to say ‘I’m lonely.’ It means old Rexy can go down to the lobby bar, order the oysters and a club soda and go to bed smiling, even though the waitress was [as] mean as a diabetic honey badger. Because only you can let the love in your heart die, and you should never let it die.” This is the man that co-wrote Good Will Hunting.
6. Lopez goes to “Love Addicts Anonymous”
This is after her insufferable group of fictional friends stage an intervention and tell her she just needs to quit falling in love. She doesn’t believe them, but she gives LAA (Love Addicts Anonymous) a go, and the group obviously erupts into song. There is a dance routine based around the circle of chairs and the whole thing feels a lot like one of those Britney Spears Instagram videos where you really want to know if she thinks this actually looks good. It is, quite frankly, insane.
