Santiago, 38
I was initially against monogamy, but I realised that being exclusive brings us closer
Ellen and I first met when we were roommates 13 years ago. We’re from different countries and after she went back home we stayed in touch for a number of years by phone and became very close friends. After years of just talking we arranged a trip together, back in 2021. It didn’t surprise me that, when we saw each other, we kissed straight away. There was a strong physical connection. We got married a year later. We had a lot of conversations about what kind of relationship we wanted. I was initially against having a monogamous relationship as I believed it was a myth that we are only attracted to one person. But I realised that being exclusive brings us closer.
We see each other in person every few months, and speak on the phone all the time. About once a month, that will turn into phone sex. It’s not more than that because our lives are busy and when we talk it’s often late, so we’re tired and also more interested in just catching up. There isn’t a huge time difference between us – maybe two hours – but it’s long enough that there have been instances when Ellen will all of a sudden be asleep.
We never plan phone sex. One of us might message and share a desire, then we invite each other to touch ourselves in a certain way. That really helps us feel close. We used to read Anaïs Nin’s Delta of Venus together, a book of erotic stories that explore desire in a strange way. We would then meet on Zoom and write our own erotic stories, based on past experiences of hooking up with another person.
Other times, we imagine what we’ll do when we are together. For example, Ellen will ask me if I can wake her up one day by touching her, then when we’re together, I make that happen.
There’s a lot of buildup when we meet in person, and I try to heighten this, suggesting that we shouldn’t have sex for the first few days – just to increase that tension. Ellen makes fun of me and refuses. Once, when I met her at the airport she used a different name to greet me. I then changed my character and it was as if we were meeting for the first time. We got in a taxi and started flirting – I covered our legs with a jacket so I could touch her.
Ellen, 33
My sex life is satisfying – maybe that would be different if I didn’t feel comfortable masturbating
I’m a physical person, so prior to starting this relationship I was put off by any hint of long-distance. But Santiago and I are from different countries and live apart. We plan to start living together in the next few months and are working through visa applications now, but for the three years of our relationship we have only met up every few months. We stay together for weeks if we can, but the rest of the time we communicate by phone. We met in 2011 when I was living abroad. Looking back, we were clearly attracted to each other, but it took us a decade to begin expressing our sexual desires. The first time we talked sexually on the phone was so exciting, though I did feel a little self-conscious.
We have now been married for two years and are in a monogamous relationship. Despite the distance, I feel like my sex life is satisfying. Maybe that would be different if I didn’t feel comfortable masturbating.
We have phone sex erratically, once every few weeks, and it never feels planned. We imagine scenarios, but it’s not role playing; it’s more like, I wish I could touch you this way, or kiss you that way. I think we feel closer and more lovey-dovey afterwards, because when we’re not together our relationship often feels more like companionship. When we do talk intimately, even if it’s just once a month, I feel a stronger attraction, a more primal feeling, but when we say goodnight, I miss him acutely.
There is a lot of tension before we meet in person. Sometimes Santiago intensifies the longing. One time, he proposed that we not have sex the first night, and I just said: “Are you kidding?” But it definitely boosts the attraction. The first couple of times we have sex, it’s like kissing someone you’ve never kissed before. You feel like your nerve endings are more alive.
