Mali, 32
Where I really try to bring my A game is in the bedroom
I’ve been with Leo for eight months but our relationship is open: we both sleep with other people. Usually, I just have one-night stands, whereas Leo has ongoing sexual relationships with other women as well as me. I do occasionally get jealous, but a little jealousy can prevent you from becoming complacent.
My ex and I spent the last year of our relationship just sitting on the sofa being mean to each other, and I think that was because we took each other for granted. I know that Leo is going on dates with other women, and that pressure motivates me to put a huge amount of focus into the hours that I get to spend with him.
Where I really try to bring my A-game is in the bedroom. Leo is a foot taller than me, so we often have to think outside the box, sexually. Standard missionary would result in my face being squashed, so I’ll often wiggle my body around, so I’m peeking out under his rib-cage. Leo is a singularly sunny, spontaneous person, and is open to any position, no matter how ridiculous it might look to an outside observer.
Of course, I don’t always have the energy for show-stopping sex. This month I’ve been struggling at work, so all I really want to do when I get home is go to sleep. But our time together is a refuge. Before I met Leo, I had a lot of expectations of what my life should look like at 32. I worried that I should be in a long-term, serious relationship. When I went on a date that ended badly, I experienced the pain of rejection, but on top of that, the disappointment of my whole imaginary life-plan falling apart.
Part of why I made the conscious decision to explore an open relationship was to free myself from a linear timeline mindset. Leo and I won’t be renovating a house together any time soon, but I like the way our setup prevents me from thinking too far ahead. The most I plan these days is for the upcoming week, which sometimes feels like mathematical equation. I know I’ve got three evenings allocated to Leo, but if I want to go out on a date with someone else as well, I barely get any time for hobbies, or rest. Open relationships have a reputation for being excitingly messy, but they actually require excellent time-management skills.
Leo, 37
We are like two mad scientists engaged in an experiment
I don’t feel jealous when I think about Mali in bed with someone else, but I definitely feel competitive. If my partner is having sex with other people, I want to be absolutely certain that I’m the best of the bunch. I’ve spoken to men who think their girlfriends can’t orgasm through oral sex, and I always think: you’re just not trying hard enough. If everyone opened up their relationship to introduce a little healthy competition, the average straight man would be a lot better at sex.
I’m striving for greatness in the bedroom, and so is Mali, so we allow ourselves to explore unknown or awkward territory in the pursuit of pleasure. It’s not unusual for one of us to cramp up in the middle of a particularly ambitious sex move, even though I’m flexible, and Mali is quite capable of moving her body like a pretzel. The other day, Mali inserted a butt plug into my bottom a little overenthusiastically, and then I got a dead leg in the middle of a reverse cowboy. Neither of us feels remotely embarrassed when accidents like that happen; we are like two mad scientists engaged in an experiment.
I have sex with other women but I see Mali as my girlfriend. She is the only partner I feel deeply romantically connected to. So while our arrangement looks fluid, there is a hierarchy of sorts. I am comfortable with Mali sleeping with whoever she likes, but I have asked her to tell me if she falls in love with someone else, and I have promised to do the same. We have that rule, but we also live in a small town, so things do occasionally get complicated. Both of us have bumped into our other current sexual partners when we’ve walked into a party.
Our relationship is in its early stages, but I see a future with Mali. If we moved in together, or had a child, I don’t see any reason why we would need to transition to monogamy. I think it’s a little selfish to expect one person to fulfil all your needs, until one or other of you dies. You might be a better partner – and parent – if you took it in turns to stay home with the kids, and on your off-night, you went out alone and had some fun.
Would you and your partner like to share the story, anonymously, of your sex life?
