Sebastian, 51
I was really worried about how it would affect Teresa. There’s this whole stigma that a ‘real’ man has a working penis
I was diagnosed with prostate cancer a couple of weeks after meeting Teresa, about 18 months ago. It was a really hard time. I was widowed four years ago and this was my first proper relationship since. Things were going really well. I had to talk with Teresa about it and give her the opportunity to leave, because nobody wants to go through that – I’ve been through it before, having lost my wife to cancer.
Thankfully she stayed. Sex was a huge part of our lives, but after five months together I had a radical prostatectomy. It’s the removal of the full prostate gland and any affected nerve tissue. I was told there was a possibility I would never get another erection. I would definitely never ejaculate, nor be able to orgasm in the way I’m used to. I had to look at the bigger picture: yes I’d be without sex as I knew it, but I’d be alive and wouldn’t be leaving my three kids, who had already lost their mum.
I was really worried about how it would affect Teresa, that it would leave her wanting. There’s this whole stigma that a “real” man has a working penis. I had stupid thoughts about how it would affect my masculinity. But we decided we’d find a way around it, and we’ve established what works for us. Our sex life is good, just different. We have sex every time we see each other, which is about three times a week. There’s no penetration, no ejaculation for me, but I have just as much pleasure.
Our sex is basically masses of foreplay, which works well for both of us. There’s a lot more touch and caressing, which can be gentle stroking, or slapping and spanking. I quiver at light touches on my back, or the back of my thigh, for example.
Though I miss the crescendo of ejaculation, I feel more subtle, full-body orgasms from being touched. It’s a prolonged sensation, and I get shudders afterwards, which has never happened before. Mostly, I’m concerned to not take Teresa for granted, especially sexually. I try to concentrate on making her feel great, and I get so much out of that.
Callout
Teresa, 53
I still find him attractive and I want to have sex with him as much as I can
Sebastian and I met online and hit it off straight away. But a week or so after we met he found out he had cancer, and a few weeks later he learned he needed to have his prostate removed. That obviously changed our sex life considerably, but it was mostly a relief that the operation was successful.
My feeling about sex has always been that it’s not about penetration and a big climax; I get turned on by the anticipation and foreplay. Penetration isn’t the most important thing for me.
Apart from when Sebastian was recovering, the frequency of sex or closeness hasn’t changed. After the operation he did find it difficult to adjust. I’d been going through the menopause and hadn’t been sexually active for a couple of years, so I knew I’d be able to get through any changes to my sex life.
The difficulty was helping Sebastian understand that I was satisfied. I had not appreciated how important a man’s penis is to him. He thought he was letting me down, and it took him a while to see that I still find him attractive and want to have sex with him.
Sex doesn’t have to end after an operation like this. You can change it and it can still be as good. There’s a lot of kissing and touching: Sebastian is very sensitive now – if you gently rub your nails down his back he shakes.
We also do a bit of pinching and slapping. I might pinch his nipples, for example. We’ve explored lots of each other’s body parts – like licking toes and armpits – and use dildos and vibrators, and sometimes tie each other up.
Sebastian doesn’t have orgasms like he used to, but about six months ago he started to feel something probably more like what we as women experience, a longer, ongoing sensation. I wanted to be able to please him, so it’s great that now I feel I can.
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