Stella, 31
The thing about lesbian sex is it takes a while
I’ve never found a sexual partner so attractive. When Satya gets naked I immediately feel weak. Soon after we started dating, I was sitting on her sofa after a night out and she put on a sexy, romantic song and gave me a really slow lapdance. She is an amazing dancer and held eye contact without laughing. I was really turned on, but I also felt very nerdy, like an undeserving teenage boy.
Feeling almost painfully desperate because you are so full of desire is a new experience for me and, unexpectedly, I love it.
In previous relationships I have been accused of wanting to have sex less than my partners, which is a bit of a self-fulfilling prophecy because it’s not a very sexy dynamic if your partner is always itching for it, and you’re the mean one, always withholding.
Now often I feel the most turned on when I have to work for it a bit – when Satya doesn’t initially want it as much as me and I have to seduce her.
Satya can find it difficult to orgasm, so we’re working on that together. I get it, because I found it difficult for most of my 20s. For a long time I was convinced I was asexual. Partly that’s because I hadn’t realised I was a lesbian. When I had sex with boyfriends I suppose I got off on the mechanics of it, but I sometimes felt sickened by the closeness of it all. I often shut my eyes when they orgasmed because it gave me the ick.
Recently, Satya and I have started doing special exercises to try to make it easier for her to climax. I will set a timer for 20 minutes, and touch her, and I will stop when the timer goes off, no matter what. The point is to take the pressure off finishing, and concentrate on pleasure.
Most of the time we pencil in a session for the weekend because the thing about lesbian sex is it takes a while. You’re taking it in turns, so you need an hour, absolute minimum. You can’t have a quickie in the same way. If it’s 11pm on a weeknight you can’t get started: you’d be up all night! We like to give it a whole afternoon.
Satya, 33
I really like that when Stella and I are having sex there’s no procreation, there’s just pleasure
I met Stella at a party and I remember noticing how self-possessed she was. She didn’t know that many people there but she was entirely at ease. A year on, sometimes I’ll look at her from across the room when we’re out and be struck by that quality all over again. I’ll watch her talking to someone and she’ll be all composed and beautiful, and I’ll think: I’m going home with you.
I’d had sex with one woman before I met Stella, but only had relationships with men. I find it difficult to orgasm with a partner, and I have tended to stop my exes concentrating on me in the bedroom because I worry I take too long. Stella won’t stand for that.
She introduced this exercise where she sets a timer on her phone and my job is to just enjoy what she’s doing. I know it’s going to end so don’t panic about her getting bored or tired, which are my main concerns and turn me off. Before she puts the timer on, she reminds me I should stop her if I don’t like something and she will never be hurt or offended.
Another rule is her focusing on me, but I’m not allowed to make any sounds. That’s helpful because I used to make the kind of noises I’d heard in porn, mostly to reassure my male partner that he was doing well (even though he often wasn’t). One of the many wonderful things about being with a woman is they’re not so convinced by the fake noises other women make in bed. I also really like that when Stella and I are having sex there’s no procreation, there’s just pleasure. It makes things much more open and exciting.
The knowledge that I’m attracted to women didn’t strike me like a lightning bolt – it was a slow realisation. I go over it in my head a lot: how did this happen? Is everyone pansexual? Or are all women actually lesbians? Or is it just a random coincidence that I’ve fallen in love with Stella and she happens to be a woman? I think about how much I love her and how happy we are every day.
Would you and your partner like to share the story, anonymously, of your sex life? Email sexlives@theguardian.com with a brief outline of what you get up to in the bedroom
