Lydia, 39
Björn would like something kinkier, and more drawn-out, so we’re at a bit of an impasse
Björn and I have been together for 11 years and I’m still obsessed with him. We flirt, and I am constantly pinching his bum. But sex is not currently my main priority. We have two children and demanding jobs, so sex time is minimal. Typically, we’ll distract the kids with the iPad and dash into the back bedroom for 10 minutes. Truthfully, I’d be happy if that was all we did, for ever. Björn would like something kinkier, and more drawn-out, so we’re at a bit of an impasse.
When we first met, I had Björn’s number saved under “Big Time” on my phone because of his huge ego. He projects this image of himself as a tough, untouchable guy, but in bed, he has always been more vulnerable. If we have sex and I don’t orgasm, he gets upset.
Björn is very giving, so he loves performing oral sex, but I’d prefer to skip foreplay. When he goes down on me, I have to work to turn my brain off. Often I’ll start worrying: are the kids about to knock on the door? Is it going to take me too long to finish?
Perhaps the issue is that I am a very utilitarian person. My thinking when it comes to sex is: if you find something that works, why change it? There’s one particular position that I love: Björn spoons me, while I touch myself, and we both orgasm in seconds. I’d like to stick to that position every time we have sex, for the rest of our lives. But Björn wants what we have nicknamed “hotel sex”: no kids, no responsibilities, and lingerie. I empathise but I just don’t have the resources right now.
Callout
I would like more time just for the two of us. He laughs at me because I want to do everything together: supermarket trips, work days – I like to be next to him, 24-7. My ideal foreplay would be just lying in bed together, talking about our days. I’ll tell him about something weird our kids did, or that I chatted to his mother, and he’ll be like, “Why are you talking about my mother at a time like this?” He’s always trying to start touching and stop chatting; but I like 10-minute sex. What I miss is time to talk.
Björn, 40
She’s always giving me sexy looks, and kissing me and holding my hand, so I don’t doubt her attraction to me
When Lydia and I first met, we had sex everywhere: in restaurant bathrooms; on porches; in her car. My neighbours were always banging on the wall, but we just kept going. We were like Vikings on a sinking longship.
Eleven years later, I feel the same intense attraction to Lydia. I’m still desperate to have sex with her in the bathroom – literally any bathroom, at any time – but she is no longer up for that kind of thing. Recently, we went on holiday without the kids, and I floated the idea of visiting a sex shop. Lydia wasn’t interested. She would prefer to spend our alone time talking and eating nice meals, whereas I want to be in the hotel, having crazy sex.
One big difference between us is that I love going down on Lydia, but she prefers to go straight to penetration. She likes to have 10-minute sex, under a blanket, usually with her top on – so she can be fully dressed again in two seconds flat if the kids suddenly knock on the door.
But if Lydia gives herself time, she does enjoy oral sex.
She is so affectionate with me, that, while I do feel rejected sometimes, I still feel secure. She’s always giving me sexy looks, and kissing me and holding my hand, so I don’t doubt her attraction to me. I’m hopeful that when the demands of our kids and jobs ease up, Lydia might be more open to something a little wilder. But if it’s this way for ever, I’ll accept it. I just love everything about her. I can’t even imagine being with anyone else.
Sometimes I wonder: would I want sex less if Lydia was pursuing me all the time? I’d like to say yes, but that would be a lie. I genuinely want to have sex with her all day every day, for ever. I am still very much a 19-year-old boy in my head.
How do you do it? Share the story of your sex life, anonymously
• The headline of this article was amended on 27 January 2024 to correct the excerpted quote.
