Isla, 38
I always wanted to open our marriage. When we date other people, we always make sure that everyone, their partner included, is on board
On our second date, 11 years ago, I laid out two things: we have to be open to the idea of children, and we have to be open to being open in some form. I am queer and can’t really define myself, so I couldn’t see myself being in a closed relationship or committing to one person sexually. I think Benjamin was a bit taken aback by my directness but things grew organically. Today we’re married with three small children.
Theoretically, we were open from day one, but in practice we didn’t open our relationship until three years ago. Life was just so busy, and like every relationship, in the early days it was very sexually exciting and satisfying.
Opening our marriage didn’t come from a place of difficulty, it just felt like a good time to do it. We wanted to come from a place of strength into this, as it can be a big challenge. Both of us are on the Feeld app to date other people, where it’s all very transparent. I always make sure that Benjamin is comfortable that I’m going on a date, and that if the other person has a partner, they’re happy with it.
Dating other people has added more excitement to the intimacy between Benjamin and me. Having babies threw my desire out the window for a long time. It’s hard to work from home, where I also raise my children, then be a sex goddess in bed. But having an open marriage meant I could step away and feel like a sexual being to someone who doesn’t see me as a wife, mother, houseperson. It’s made me feel as sexual as I was before I had children.
Benjamin and I have sex once a week. We’re constrained by time, but it is very passionate, and I realise how fundamental that is to the happiness and the stability of this relationship.
I can see that a little bit of distance creates a mystery that ignites intimacy. We have penetrative sex, and with Benjamin I can always orgasm through penetration. We are so connected, it happens every time. So even with the marriage being open, and with all these possibilities out there, the greatest sex is happening at home at eight o’clock at night while the children are asleep.
Callout
Benjamin, 43
After 11 years of being together, my sexual connection with Isla is stronger than ever. We have simultaneous orgasms and get completely lost in each other
When Isla told me she wanted an open relationship, I thought it was a bit unconventional, but I was also impressed. In those first few years, there was no space for interest in anyone else. But after having children, we started to explore what open means. Both of us go on dates with other people about once a month. I’ll meet someone on Feeld, go for a coffee to see if we’re attracted to each other, then talk about logistics or practicalities: assessing if it will be a safe interaction. If things align, I set up a second date that involves sex in some way.
We’ve both seen quite a few people. I think our sexual connection as a couple is stronger than anyone else’s I know after 11 years together.
Over time in a relationship, you become very comfortable with someone, but it also challenges the sexual chemistry because there’s not much left that’s unknown. When you’re parents, you’ve got this partnership and there’s a job to do. That’s a wonderful thing, but it’s not a sexy thing.
Introducing other partners reminds me of the person I met before we took on these other roles. That’s been a catalyst for our sexual connection. The sex that I enjoy the most is with my wife, which is amazing.
Ultimately, Isla and I would never put other people before each other. Our relationship is very passionate and engaged. With others, the sex can be all sorts of different flavours, whereas we have a physical connection and the emotional, loving connection. I know exactly where to put my body to turn her on, how to bring her to orgasm. I know the different strokes. It’s not kinky and there are no fetishes or tricks – it’s quite vanilla. But we just get completely lost in each other, and we both climax at the same time.
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