Ava, 44
We watch porn frequently, which is a positive thing we do together. I’ve learned new things about my own body
I was quite young when my husband and I met, just over 20 years ago. I was not very sexually experienced and pretty timid. So I’ve learned about my sexuality with him. And I do think sex is very important to the success and the depth of the relationship.
During the pandemic our relationship was difficult. We have two teenage kids and we were living in a small space, so there was no privacy and no intimacy. We both felt trapped. It was hard for me to get out of the mother role and tune into a sexual headspace. I shut down a bit because I worried that our sex life would die and that it was a reflection of an unsuccessful relationship.
After lockdown, Logan pushed us to talk more openly. We’ve seen couples therapists throughout our relationship, and that helped with our intimacy and with learning more about one another.
Before things improved, I was most worried about Logan’s pleasure – and that’s because of my own upbringing. There was zero talk about sex when I was a child and, looking back, I had understood that a woman’s role in a relationship was to please the man. It took me a long time to realise that belief was there, even subconsciously.
Once we started having open conversations, I began to feel like a more sexual person, and that has translated very positively into our sex life. We talk about what we like, what we desire, how we feel. I’m much more vulnerable now and as a result I’m getting more pleasure. I get turned on more easily easier, and I’ve started having sexual fantasies of my own.
We watch porn frequently and I’ve learned completely new things about my own body. If Logan stimulates my nipple with his tongue, for example, I can orgasm just from that. I even get turned on by sucking his fingers – a recent discovery that blew my mind.
Not only are we having good sex, it’s more intimate both physically and emotionally. It’s fun to think that this has happened 15 to 20 years into our relationship. I’m now so much more hopeful when I think about the future of our sex life.
Callout
Logan, 49
She told me she thought it was almost selfish for her to be enjoying herself. But I really want her to feel pleasure
. In the early days, we’d have afternoon sex, then go for a walk or out for dinner. But then came jobs, a house, bills and children. That all came as a bit of a shock.
When the kids got older and were staying up later, we couldn’t make much noise. One of them once said: “I heard you having sex, that was really disgusting.” That really threw me off and I found it hard to have sex while being quiet, so we just had to wait for the right time – which could be weeks.
During the pandemic we weren’t as sexually active, and it felt like Ava was becoming more like a good friend or roommate. I didn’t like that feeling, so I talked to her about it. Once we started opening up it was like we both had an epiphany. We realised that neither of us had felt confident talking about our desires.
A lot was to do with our generation and having been brought up to not talk about sex. There was also the influence of gender expectations: for example, Ava is caring and nurturing – and that reflected in our sex life. She felt like she always had to be the pleaser, and that her pleasure wasn’t as important. She thought it was almost selfish for her to be enjoying herself, so she’d stop herself having long orgasms. But I really want her to feel pleasure. I love giving oral sex. She can have as many orgasms as she likes and I’ll be happy.
We now put a mattress on the floor as our bed frame is really creaky, so that stops the kids hearing us. We’ll sometimes watch porn together, and Ava has this great arsenal of lingerie that she feels very sexy and confident in, and I think she looks smoking hot. She likes to ride me as that’s the best way for her to reach multiple orgasms. We’re much more intimate now – we’re having the best sex of our relationship.
Would you and your partner like to share the story, anonymously, of your sex life?
