Todd, 49
The first time we had sex with a couple, I didn’t anticipate how destabilising it would feel
I became friends with Amber in the summer of 2021, when she was still married. One night, we talked until sunrise and I found myself opening up in a way I never had before.
When we eventually became a couple in 2023, she was the most satisfying sexual partner I’d ever had, and she says the same. That level of communication, trust and respect doesn’t come naturally to me, but Amber makes it possible.
We have similar sex drives, but my body doesn’t respond the way it used to. We’re both experiencing hormonal changes; Amber is perimenopausal, and I joke I’m in “manopause” – my testosterone is low and sometimes I struggle to maintain an erection.
When Amber told me she was sexually attracted to women, we decided to explore it together. The first time we had sex with a couple, I didn’t anticipate how destabilising it would feel to see her with another man. Watching her have sex while I couldn’t stay hard sent me spiralling: what’s wrong with you? Why can’t you respond to your desire? But Amber isn’t my possession and everyone else was having a good time. No boundaries had been crossed and no one had betrayed me, so I didn’t know how to voice my frustration.
The next day, Amber said: I need to be able to trust you to tell me when something’s wrong, or we can’t do this. I don’t like thinking of myself as fragile, but I’m learning that honesty, even when it’s uncomfortable, is the only way this will work.
We have sex a couple of times a week, and when it’s just the two of us, it’s fairly vanilla. It’s more about energy, passion and connection than any bells and whistles. I usually wait for Amber to initiate, partly out of fear of rejection and partly not wanting to be that pushy guy. Once I get clear signals, which I’m better at picking up as time goes on, I can make a move.
Amber is brilliant, smart, emotionally adept, fun-loving and adventurous. Ultimately, we’re a real partnership, and I hope we continue to approach everything that way.
Amber 44
The slow buildup meant the first time we had sex was incredible
When I first met Todd at a pool party at my house, I thought he was the most beautiful man I’d ever seen. I had a big crush on him, but to feel that way for a man who wasn’t my husband was unsettling. I’ve only been in long-term relationships and had never been unfaithful. Todd would take me out, but my husband paid so little attention to me that he didn’t care.
Todd became my partner long before we got together. His thoughtfulness turned me on. On Thanksgiving, he drove 45 minutes just to drop off pies while my husband slept in. I’d been married twice, but I don’t think I understood what partnership was before I met Todd.
We met in June, but didn’t even hold hands until September. The slow buildup meant the first time we had sex was incredible. Before Todd, sex was something I was supposed to do. With Todd, every glance, every touch, every gesture feels like foreplay.
Partly because I’d been starved of intimacy, my sex drive was very high. Perimenopause has pushed me to explore fantasies I’d never acted on, such as my attraction to women. I wondered whether the reality would live up to the fantasy, and it did. I love having sex with women and watching Todd with other women. Having sex with other people has brought us closer as a couple, but it’s also exposed insecurities. When Todd struggled physically and withdrew, I thought I’d ruined the best thing in my life. But seeing him open up, I felt so proud of him and of how much he’s grown.
We don’t sleep in the same bed – I’m a light sleeper with night sweats – but Todd lies with me every night and holds me before he leaves. Whoever’s up first goes to the other’s room so we start the day together. We do this thing where we embrace skin to skin, just breathing together. Every day I feel so lucky to be his partner.
