This is the online version of our daily newsletter, The Morning Win. Subscribe to get irreverent and incisive sports stories, delivered to your mailbox every morning. Chris Korman is filling in for Andy Nesbitt.
The thing about sports is that a great number of us spend more time thinking about them than watching them.
We use so many of the precious hours we’ve been given looking at what happened in the past and talking about why it happened the way it do so that we can predict what will happen in the future.
Yet almost always, we are wrong.
The Cincinnati Bengals, after all, are playing in the Super Bowl.
We don’t actually know anything at all, it turns out. Nevertheless we wager our hard-earned cash on how we think things might go, knowing full well that breaking even is, in the long run, about the best you can hope for.
Of course, the uncertainty of it all is also why we watch. There is no plan here. It doesn’t ever need to make sense.
And damn, that’s beautiful.
But sometimes* you get a look ahead* at what’s next and can see exactly* how a game is going to go.*
(*never), (*no such thing as this), (*I can’t even see things that exist now clearly, let alone the future), (*nope nope nope)
So here it is: Your guide to how Super Bowl 56 between the Cincinnati Bengals and the Los Angeles Rams will play out:
The National Anthem: Mickey Guyton holds the final note of the anthem for 27 seconds (she bet the over) and as a result collapses to one knee as the song fades out. A bunch of people get angry about this, but none of them turn off the game, of course.
Opening kickoff: Did you know there’s a special BetFTW prop bet built around the opening kick? There is! So it would be very unethical for me to reveal to you what’s going to happen here.*
(*because, again, I cannot actually see into the future)
First quarter: Joe Burrow swaggers onto the field, takes a snap, swaggers away from the league’s most swagger-less offensive line, swaggers to his right, looks downfield (his eyes dripping swagger) and sees … well, yes, Jalen Ramsey has lofted Ja’Marr Chase above his head, holding him with one hand while shouting at him.
Chase is undeterred! He kicks out of it, drops down and catches a pass, scooting 49 yards for a score because Eric Weddle, 37, is actually not playing football but instead setting up a seat near where the halftime show will take place. He wants to be close to see the greatest musicians of his generation. That was his whole plan all along; the entire reason he returned to football this year.
Bengals lead 7-0.
Second quarter: What’s this? Matthew Stafford has emerged for a new quarter wearing his Detroit Lions jersey! Every American-made car throughout the land spontaneously starts on its own as he hauls back and tosses a pristine 65-yard strike to Odell Beckham Jr., who is holding a flaming Browns jersey as he saunters into the end zone.
Tied 7-7.
On the ensuing drive, Joe Burrow notices that Aaron Donald is Aaron Donald. That rosy glow drains from his face. He’d managed to come this far without letting the world’s one undisputed truth reach him: That Aaron Donald can and will destroy whatever he wants.
Everything has changed.
Burrow takes the snap and runs directly backward. Luckily Donald catches him before he can lose more than 12 yards. Evan McPherson hops up and proceeds to kick a 79-yard field goal with ease.
Bengals lead 10-7.
Halftime: Dr. Dre, Snoop, Mary J. Blige and Eminem put on the greatest show you can imagine, but nobody who remembers their halcyon days is there to see it because we’re asleep (it’s a work night!) (for some reason).
Third quarter: Burrow, overcome by fear, was seen racing through the inside of SoFi Stadium during halftime. But he went past a cloud near Snoop’s dressing room and now he’s completely calm and ready to go.
It shows. The Rams have decided to triple-cover Chase — even Donald is over there trying to contain him — and have discovered that Tee Higgins is also really good. He scores twice and Cincy has an unfathomable 17-point lead.
Bengals lead 24-7.
On the sideline, a vat of Skyline Chili is delivered. They’re going to pour this on Zac Taylor if they win. Will he survive? Don’t be ridiculous, have you tasted that stuff? But this is an elegant way to get rid of a coach who has so often stood in the way of your team’s great success.
Fourth quarter: The Rams are making a furious comeback. Donald shakes off seven blockers and Burrow, a sensible lad when it really comes down to it, hands him the ball. He scores.
Bengals lead 24-14.
Cooper Kupp is doing all the Cooper Kupp things. He takes a four-yard out and zig-zags around the field, eluding a tackle attempt from every Bengals player twice before scoring.
Bengals lead 24-21.
It has all come down to this. Matthew Stafford has one throw to CEMENT HIS LEGACY FOREVER. If he does not complete this toss HIS CHILDREN WILL BANISH HIM.
LA is on the Bengals’ 18-yard-line, three seconds left.
Last play.
The snap.
Stafford drops.
Kupp flashes open over the middle. Stafford unleashes. It’s the most beautifully thrown football of all time. Stafford is worthy. He is real. We are all safe to love him now.
Oh, dear. Jessie Bates III arrives at the same time as the ball, delivering a crushing blow.
The football is aloft. It is floating back toward the line of scrimmage. Everyone everywhere gasps. It falls into the most powerful hands on the field. They grip it for a second.
Then 40-year-old Andrew Whitworth, the Rams left tackle who is also a Bengals legend, tucks the ball and barrels 12 yards into the end zone for the winning score.
Final: Rams 27, Bengals 24
Joe Burrow pulls out a diamond encrusted Cuban cigar and lights it. Life is too short, and he is too rich, to let this get him down. He’s just lost the best football game ever played. So what? The future is all ahead of him. And even if it’s not, we’re here now. You have to live.
High above the stadium, intrepid For The Win reporter Andy Nesbitt is pounding on the door to the most luxurious luxury box in the world’s most luxurious stadium.
“Roger,” he is screaming, “will you please move the Super Bowl to Saturday?!”
Roger Goodell looks his way, but only for a second.
“No,” he says, and we’re on to the next NFL season.
Quick hits: Best Super Bowl bets … PUPPIES! … Gold for Team USA’s mixed snowboarding team! … and more.
— Here are the 12 best Super Bowl prop bets and how to bet them, plus nine fun props that have nothing to do with the actual game.
— Hey, the Puppy Bowl is this weekend! Our Caroline Darney interviewed the “Ruffaree” and here are the lineups for both Team Ruff and Team Fluff.
— What a finish for mixed snowboarding team Lindsey Jacobellis and Nick Baumgartner at the Olympics.
