This Commonsense Guide Can Actually Make You an Excellent Negotiator: It's All About Practice (and Learning From the Best)

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Every day now, there is one term we seem to hear constantly on the news: Negotiation.

You would think that most lawyers would be pretty good at it, and you might even assume we were all required to take courses about negotiation in law school.

Nothing could be further from the truth, and I'm going to tell you why the just-published Never Settle: Persuasion and Negotiation Skills to Get What You Want will, in my opinion, soon knock other "negotiation bestsellers" off their pedestals and will help everyone who's looking for a commonsense, understandable, actionable guide that takes the mystery out of the negotiation process.

Plus, it's an enjoyable read.

The authors, Attia Qureshi and John Richardson, have taught at Harvard and MIT and have real-life experience with high-stakes negotiating, including hostage situations involving the FBI and negotiations in the world of diplomacy. Their outlooks provide a seriousness that's often lacking in attention-grabbing, commercially driven titles.

Also, their personalities — delightful on Zoom — are ever-present in this gem of a resource.

I'll share more of what makes Never Settle a worthwhile read in a moment, but first, here's a brief story of embarrassment, told by "Janet," an attorney and spouse of a lawyer fresh out of school. Her husband had been assigned to conduct a complicated lease negotiation at the firm where they both work.

"'James' had no experience in negotiations, but the senior partner told him to 'use our library and find things to read on negotiations.' He did that, we both met the other side in this matter, and within minutes, it was horrible. My husband just fell apart. He caved in and gave away 'the farm'!"

She asked, "Mr. Beaver, do you know of some accessible book not filled with jargon that we can read, because everything (James found) in the firm's library (focused on) complicated theory."

Janet had zeroed in on one of the greatest shortcomings of so many books that claim to "make you a better negotiator": They are filled with jargon and lack practical guidance.

And, would you believe, there are more than 10,000 books available on Amazon in the category "Negotiating - Management & Leadership," covering various aspects of business and personal negotiation.

What makes this book so different?

Even excellent books on negotiation often share a common limitation: They are primarily based on theory, and readers can be left with the illusion of having gained competence just by reading alone.

The fundamental premise of Never Settle is that we do not get favorable results by studying theory about the negotiation process but, instead, by practicing the actual skill. When you learn to, say, play golf, tennis or the piano, it takes disciplined practice — not memorizing a set of rules — to create a champion.

This approach is what makes the book a real standout. It does not leave you filled with concepts, thinking, "Yes, I get it." Only to realize, during a real negotiation, as you turn all colors of the rainbow, "I thought I could do it, but I can't."

The authors make clear that "learning about negotiation is not enough — you've got to train for it."

And that is precisely the angle the authors take, just like a coach would. In a constructive way, they take us through exercises, drills and practical scenarios applicable to everyday life.

They encourage us to "gamify" simple interactions in role-playing simulations — for example, asking for minor concessions, practicing how to refuse and listening to the persuasive power of our tone of voice.

The exercises are more than games, though. They help us develop skills that become readily available when we're dealing with serious issues. By weaving practice into the reading experience, the authors encourage us to use what we've learned, which leads to confidence, strategies and competence.

This is where the book outperforms others. Never Settle does far more than provide a knowledge basis. It serves as a training manual — with a giant dose of "Vitamin Yes, I can do this!"

Additionally, because the authors frame negotiation as a daily activity, it becomes a life skill, rather than a specialized skill reserved for lawyers or executives.

Emotional intelligence and self-awareness

Understanding your own interests, as well as the other party's, is an important feature of the book.

I can tell you from my own experience in business and family law that, when sitting down to a four-way negotiation, each side represented by an attorney, failure is virtually guaranteed if you don't have a clear understanding of the difference between what your client tells you they want and what they actually want.

The same is true for the other party. It is a matter of being self-aware, without getting hung up on tactics, strategy and pressure, and focusing instead on your client's priorities and acceptable outcomes.

The authors want us to put ourselves in the other side's shoes and work toward a fair resolution.

Where ethics and integrity matter

I have read several negotiation books that encouraged manipulation, a win-at-all-costs approach and a scorched-earth philosophy that turned my stomach. I've seen this in action, with lawyers trading short-term gains for destroyed relationships.

Never Settle is the breath of fresh air we need at this time in our country, where ethical conduct and integrity often seem to be missing. The authors preach the gospel of achieving mutually beneficial outcomes and, at all times, maintaining good faith.

For anyone who has had difficulty mastering the art of negotiation, Never Settle's exercises and can-do approach set you on a path of confidence and competence in what mankind has always done — bargain.

Dennis Beaver practices law in Bakersfield, Calif., and welcomes comments and questions from readers, which may be faxed to (661) 323-7993, or e-mailed to Lagombeaver1@gmail.com. And be sure to visit dennisbeaver.com.

This article was written by and presents the views of our contributing adviser, not the Kiplinger editorial staff. You can check adviser records with the SEC or with FINRA.