I wish I had been handed the fortune cookie at the start of the meal. It read: 'when you lose, don't lose the lesson'.
The lesson in the case of the all-you-can eat Chinese on Bramhall Lane in Davenport? Don't bite off more than you can chew.
An accurate reflection of what unfolded at Chinese 203 - the Stockport restaurant challenging you to eat as much as you can in 90 minutes for just £20 per person.
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Ok, they're not really challenging you, just offering you a series of starters, appetisers and mains at the fraction of the cost of a typical dinner out. But it felt like a challenge, especially once I had read the terms and conditions.
Walking in to a packed-out restaurant - dominated by two large groups of women, but also some couples powering through their seventh dish of the night, my brother and I - a self-professed competive eater - feel a little nervous.
The small print is both amusing and anxiety inducing. At the end of the menu it reads, 'only order what you can eat, waste is not appreciated and will be charged for and food must not be taken away'. That scuppers my tactic of folding everything into a napkin.
Better yet, 'Children aged 4-10 years old will be charged £10'. fine. '145cm in height will be charged the full meal costs if parents can not prove the child's age is under 10'. I don't see any height chart on the wall, nor a ruler, but I still wouldn't fancy my chances challenging that house rule.
Finally, 'a new order can only be placed when the previous order can be consumed'. Now that we're suitably informed - and entertained - lets dig in.
Before we order a basket of warm prawn crackers is placed on the table - mine and my brother's kryptonite. We both have a couple to settle our nerves before I find myself telling him not to eat any more - seconds later I'm caught with my hand in the basket.
Things aren't looking good. The menu, however, is. Rather than hefty portions its more small plates - like Chinese tapas. For starters we opt for chicken and sweetcorn soup, crispy spring rolls, salt and pepper chicken wings, and mini curry samosas.
Shovelling the rolls, wings and samosas into my mouth and making every second count, I must say the latter really stands out - the golden-hued parcels are both delicate and moreish.
Starters out the way and our plates promptly cleared, things start to get serious. The sheer amount of choice when it comes to mains is overwhelming - well at least for me. My brother is cracking his knuckles and rolling his shoulders, while simultaneously judging a man across the restaurant for only managing a half a pint.
Our first set of mains arrive - House special sweet and sour, king prawn curry and a portion of egg-fried rice. Homely and comforting, the curry goes down well but I can feel myself flagging. The viscous and luminous sauce accompanying the chicken provides me with a second wind though - and a false sense of confidence.
I don't even know what round it is yet, nor the time. Must check the time. We've polished off eight dishes already and still have an hour left on the clock.
While we wait for our second mains - beef in Szechuan sauce and crispy chilli beef - our attention is drawn back to the prawn crackers. A wise person would resist, maybe even ask for them to be taken away, but like fools we both start cautiously nibbling, despite the fact we've already had more than our fair share.
The second lot arrives and I'm pretty sure I'm past it but I persevere. The crispy beef has a lovely crunch and the Szechuan sauce brings a heat that has so far been missing this evening. Chewing my last piece of beef, I throw in the towel - in this case my napkin and take myself out of contention.
Unsurprisingly, my brother has one more dish him. I sense there's an element of sibling rivalry and a quest to get good value for money at play. The vegetables in black bean sauce arrive and he promptly sees them off.
There's eight minutes left on the clock and he looks very tempted to go for a 12th dish but as I raise an eyebrow he bows out. I think you've had enough.
The restaurant has thinned out and with the pressure now off, I finally relax for the first time all night. Hand wipes and fortune cookies arrive - mine, as mentioned above, seems scarily accurate, and his, 'It is better to be the hammer than the nail', also feels like an appropriate metaphor for the situation he found himself forced into tonight.
So, what's the lesson been here? I was going to say something trite about there being no winners or losers, but really the dining experience deserves the last word. This a great neighbourhood spot, with a no-nonsense approach to hospitality and home to some great food...and its the taking part that counts.
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