Every evening, after we put our toddler to bed, my wife and I sit down to share our learnings for the day and strategise for the future. We talk about how we can help each other achieve our full potential and how we can show up for each other while ensuring we maintain safe spaces to focus on ourselves. Only kidding … we collapse on the couch and watch Netflix.
The latest thing we have been binging is a reality TV dating show called The Ultimatum: Queer Love. It is about a bunch of queer women being incredibly messy and dating each other’s exes. I was beyond excited when I discovered this show, because there is nothing I love more than lesbian chaos (except, perhaps, baked potatoes) and – despite the fact that it makes extremely compelling television – there are hardly any lesbian dating shows out there.
Did The Ultimatum live up to my elevated expectations? Sort of. I have two gripes. First, the host. It makes sense to appoint a gay woman as a host of a queer dating show, don’t you think? Netflix disagrees. Not only did it make a straight woman the host, but she ensured that everyone knew she was straight within the first five seconds of the show.
My second gripe? The “therapy speak”. I don’t want to get cancelled for this, so let me be clear: I think therapy is great and should totally be normalised. But there is such a thing as too much therapy. I’m starting to think that Americans have had too much therapy, and I’m not the only one to notice this: there have been a lot of articles recently about how “therapy speak” is everywhere and is making people more selfish. People are excusing their narcissism with psych-speak.
The cast of the Ultimatum really drummed this home. Every few seconds, when they’re not talking about showing up for each other, someone would talk about being “triggered” or needing to put themselves first and “honour their needs”. Ladies, just admit you are being horny and selfish and get on with it. And please don’t attack me for this take: I don’t want to feel gaslighted, I’m just trying to create a safe space.
Arwa Mahdawi is a Guardian columnist
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