This week’s witnesses to the Covid inquiry have come as a jaw-dropping revelation to some people. But not to those of us who have been following Westminster politics close up for many years. Many sketches turn out to have been no more than accurate transcriptions. Almost as if we had a ringside seat inside government. No 10 as writers’ room. Amazing as it may seem, if you put a sex-crazed narcissist with the attention span of a flea in charge of a pandemic, then what you get is chaos. So, yes, everyone really was as incompetent as you had feared. And their individual turf wars took priority over minimising deaths. This was government as The Thick of It on hallucinogenics. Complete with its own insider language. So here’s your guide to some of the phrases that may have confused you.
Fuckpigs: This was a new one to all of us. Even to Malcolm Tucker. But it was a standard form of address by Dominic Cummings to anyone with whom he came into contact. To this career sociopath, everyone was a “useless fuckpig”. Nor was it just reserved for people with whom Dom disagreed. Though that was anyone. Dom has never met anyone he hasn’t considered a moron. It was also used as a term of endearment. As in when he talked to his family. “Come on you useless fuckpigs. Get in the car. We’re off to Barnard Castle.”
Jaws mode wank: Like so much No 10 pillow talk, this was also dreamed up by Cummings. It refers to those occasions when Boris Johnson was having one of his regular fantasies about being the mayor of Amity in the film Jaws, deciding to keep the beach open and letting people take their chances with the shark. Boris used to keep himself amused by openly wondering if he should ignore the scientific advice – what sensible government wouldn’t? – and not bother with a lockdown. Just to see how many people would die.
Pop-ins: The style of government that many in No 10 and the cabinet came to adopt. It was well known that Johnson was pathologically unable to make any decisions and would invariably end up agreeing with the last person he spoke to. So ministers and special advisers would make a point of “popping in” to Johnson’s office to try to get him to change his mind about something. Not that he had a mind to change. The trick was to try to make sure that you were the last person to “pop in” before the prime minister was forced to commit to an action at a press conference.
To trolley: Sometimes used as a noun, as in “the trolley”. Again referring to the prime minister’s inability to make any firm commitments. So he would keep “trolleying” between several courses of action before invariably coming to the wrong conclusion. Some in No 10 felt this was deeply unfair to supermarket trolleys, which were a great deal more stable than the prime minister.
Orgy of narcissism: Oh, the irony of this. Johnson used to accuse everyone in No 10 of indulging in an orgy of narcissism as they all ruthlessly pursued their own agendas while privately – or publicly in Dom’s case – trashing anyone who disagreed with them. Coming from the supreme narcissist whose whole life has been an opportunistic, self-serving joyride, this was an extreme case of pots and kettles.
Special hairdryer: Nothing sums up the stupidity at the heart of Downing Street than this. Boris got it into his head that if you turned a hairdryer up to max and aimed it up your nostrils you could blow the coronavirus out of your metabolism. Really. Tory MPs and voters. You voted for this. This one’s on you.
Dr Death: These days Rishi Sunak likes to pretend that he has an aura of credibility. That pitching himself as the change candidate – as in “the Tories have wrecked the country for 13 years, so vote for them again” – is a cunning plan. But when he was chancellor during the pandemic, everyone in No 10 saw right through him. They called him Dr Death for coming up with the idiotic plan of getting everyone to kill each other by going out for a cheap meal with his “Eat Out to Help the Virus” scheme.
Nature’s way: Or to give it its full title: “Nature’s Way of Killing People”. Another compassionate Johnson idea. Boris had noticed that Covid generally killed older people, so why bother to admit them to hospital at all? Just let them die. They’d lived plenty long enough as it was, so give the young a break. Besides, many of them were costing the government a fortune in state pensions. Two birds with one stone. Johnson had failed to notice that he would be killing off half the readers of the Mail and the Telegraph and ensuring the Tories didn’t get into power again for decades.
Terrifyingly shit: It went without saying that government during Covid was always shit. Never better than that. Just a normal state of affairs. But a phrase was needed to convey the terror that everything was even more shit than usual. Hence “terrifyingly shit”.
Dodging stilettos: It was a man’s world inside Johnson’s No 10. A macho culture where blokes regularly talked over women. Because it was obvious the little ladies had nothing to contribute. Other than going out with a suitcase to collect the booze and the karaoke machine for that evening’s party. Cummings was adamant he wasn’t a misogynist. He was equally happy calling women “useless fuckpigs” as men. That’s equal opportunities for you.
Depraved New World by John Crace (Guardian Faber, £16.99). To support the Guardian and Observer, order your copy and save 18% at guardianbookshop.com. Delivery charges may apply.
