Name: The Staffordshire Panther.
Age: Unknown.
Appearance: Feline.
I’ve seen plenty of cats before. What’s special about this one? It’s massive.
How big exactly? About the size of a panther.
And giant cats the size of panthers are supposed to be just living in our countryside, are they? Yes. The makers of Panthera Britannia Declassified, a new documentary on Amazon Prime, claim to have discovered the clearest ever photograph of a big cat in the British countryside: a panther-like creature lying in the long grass in Smallthorne, Staffordshire. It’s probably the best photo of a British big cat that exists.
So when was this photo taken exactly? According to the documentary-makers who discovered the photo in the files of a zoology organisation, the photo is dated 17 March. But it doesn’t say what year.
And you’re sure that’s not just a photo of a domestic house cat, but up close? No! Look at it! It’s definitely the size of a panther.
Or maybe in Smallthorne, the thorns are just really small, which makes the cats look really big? You’re beginning to annoy me now.
This all sounds a bit like the Beast of Bodmin to me. Where does this idea that giant cats are roaming our countryside come from? They are generally believed to have been illegal exotic pets that were released into the wild after the introduction of the Dangerous Wild Animals Act 1976.
Ah, the summer of ’76. I remember it well. So, essentially, the animals people are seeing today are the offspring of abandoned pets.
What’s wrong with the odd giant cat roaming the countryside? Well, after the Beast of Exmoor apparently ate 100 of one farmer’s sheep in three months in 1983, the Daily Express offered a financial reward for video footage of the creature, while the government took the unusual step of deploying a team of Royal Marine snipers to hunt it down.
Did they find it? No.
Do you have any more evidence that big cats are out there? Well, the Amazon documentary also presents DNA evidence proving the presence of at least one wild big cat near a sheep-kill in Gloucestershire in July 2022.
Hmmm, I’m still not convinced. You’ll be telling me that Bigfoot exists next. Or aliens. They do! Haven’t you been reading all about the UFO whistleblower giving testimony to the US Congress?
And what am I supposed to do if I find a giant cat sitting on my lawn? Do what anyone who’s British would do: shut the curtains and hope it goes away.
Do say: “I’m an IAMS cat. I’m more than just a cat.”
Don’t say: “Here, kitty, kitty.”
