TEAM NATIONAL
Defending champions Les Blues go into October’s winner-takes-all tournament with confidence, led by bustling centre-forward Christopher Luxon. He’s been compared to French striker Kylian Mbappe for his speed of thought and his willingness to shoot on sight. The only person actually making these comparisons is Luxon himself, but no one can fault him for his sense of self-esteem.
Team National won the last World Cup with ease. But that was three long years ago and there have been some key changes in the line-up that goes to battle in October. Judith Collins has retired, as has Dr Shane Reti. Collins was a force to be reckoned with in attack and Reti shored up the midfield with his steady hand. But there are newcomers to the starting XI such as Chris Penk, who is yet to tire of his tactic of endlessly needling his opponents and telling them they are stupid.
There have been concerns about Luxon’s form this year. He hasn’t scored a goal in quite a long time and no one would describe him as a crowd favourite. But he remains in bullish mood, and constantly tells his team, “I’m the best hope you’ve got.”
TEAM LABOUR
Former champions The Red Devils believe in taking things quietly in the lead-up to the tournament. Skipper and playmaker Chris Hipkins says he won’t play games or entertain the crowd. He sees himself as England’s Jude Bellingham, a driving force who doesn’t have to prove anything to anybody.
He’s relying on his long experience and cultured left-foot to plot victory when the campaign gets underway in October.
“But when I say left foot I don’t mean anything extreme,” he says. “I’m more of a centre foot. I go straight down the middle. In many respects we play like Team National but with a lot of differences which I won’t go into it right now.”
There have been concerns about Hipkins’s form this year. He hasn’t scored a goal in quite a long time and no one would describe him as a crowd favourite. But he remains in bullish mood, and constantly tells his team, “I’m the best hope you’ve got.”
TEAM ACT
David Seymour, chirpy captain of The Canary Yellows, has no doubt he’ll get his hands on the World Cup in November.
The rampaging right-winger vows to sack and pillage defences, and likens himself to Norway’s goal scoring machine Erling Haarland.
“We’re both Vikings,” he says. “We don’t like culture. We don’t like peasants. We don’t like the poor. We don’t like liberals. We just come into town and beat the masses into submission for the benefit of the few.”
He goes into the tournament at the top of his form and fears nothing and no one, not even his own team-mates, who are generally seen as a hopeless rabble. “They don’t have the foggiest,” he laughs, “but this isn’t a team game. All it takes is a vicious and unlikeable leader.”
TEAM NEW ZEALAND FIRST
Winston Peters merely smiles when told he’s like Argentine legend Lionel Messi. The comparisons are obvious.
The veteran skipper of NZ First has been around for a long, long time, yet might only now be approaching his peak. His positional play is outstanding and no one has his first touch. He can read the game, and has taken on a new philosophy that can be summed up as run less, think more. In fact he doesn’t actually run. He sometimes appears to be asleep on the field. He closes his eyes, snores, and doesn’t move. But the wily campaigner is merely laying a trap. He is nothing if not lethal.
“The World Cup,” he says, “is coming home.”
