In the past month or so, Britishcore has very much become “a thing”. Or, more accurately, “a fing”. Buoyed up by Brat Summer and Oasismania, the practice of embracing the naffest bits of British culture is a trend that’s stormed TikTok, somehow persuading people across the world that Greggs is the pinnacle of cuisine and a bomber jacket is the height of fashion.
Rather than tea at the Ritz or hats at Ascot, tourists are discovering that the true joy of British culture lies in its everyday banalities, as Britishcore stumbles into the global psyche with the leopard-print clad, mascara-smeared mania of Kat Slater after six large white wines. Everyone’s finally clocked that, contrary to our reputation as reserved, rosy-cheeked rationalists, we’re actually pretty weird.
So, as Australians lip-sync to Gemma Collins monologues and American musicians slouch around Paddington Station to the Trainspotting soundtrack, here are 100 of the greatest manifestations of Britishcore.
1. Umming and aahing with your partner for 10 minutes over whether to share a naan, and then just getting one each because “you only live once”.
2. Encouraging the entire pub to erupt into cheers when someone smashes a glass.
3. Flawlessly lip-syncing to: “If you see something that doesn’t look right, speak to station staff or British Transport Police. See it, say it, sorted,” on the train to Bristol Temple Meads.
4. Having a mate called Danny whose nickname is Danzo, “cuz he’s the king of Lanzo”.
5. Getting incensed at a five-pence price hike on meal deals but then dropping 50 quid on four Morettis.
6. Spending double the amount of money on a holiday to Cornwall as on a holiday to Portugal.
7. A microwave shepherd’s pie for two, a bottle of Casillero del Diablo and a nice bit of Kirstie and Phil.
8. Brushing Monster Munch dust off the Barbour jacket you got for a fiver at Oxfam.
9. Keeping all your travel toiletries in a crinkled Sainsbury’s bag for life.
10. “My wife told me to stop playing Wonderwall – I said: ‘Maybe …’”
11. Insisting to anyone who’ll listen that Chicken Run is hands down the best film ever made.
12. Arriving in Antalya on your holibobs and confidently ordering: “Dos cervacas poray favoray.”
13. Being informed by your dad after five pints that if he “had to shag a bloke”, it would be Kevin McCloud from Grand Designs.
14. Realising at least half your glassware is comprised of branded pint glasses from the pub round the corner.
15. Referring to a Tesco hoisin duck wrap as “world cuisine”.
16. A nice soothing stroll around B&Q to look at the paints.
17. Remembering your school “houses” were all named after either famous colonisers or famous murderers.
18. Raving about the amazing crisp selection at Londis.
19. Saying “It’s five o’clock somewhere!” while ordering two pints of Strongbow Dark Fruit at 11am at an airport Wetherspoon’s.
20. Listening to N-Dubz at the back of the bus with no headphones.
21. Joining a WhatsApp group called “Malvern Hills Massif”.
22. Knowing at least one person who was an extra in the Harry Potter films.
23. Leaving a baby shower, gunning your Fiat Punto down the road, then turning to your mate and saying, “So, not to be catty, but …”
24. Getting into a physical fight over which is better: Scampi Fries or Bacon Fries.
25. Point blank refusing to watch the episodes of Jonathan Creek that don’t have Caroline Quentin in them.
26. Having a 10-minute discussion about whether the sound of pigeons cooing is “a banger”.
27. Saying you’re “Just going for one”, then ending up at a drag night in Cardiff two days later with Sanjay from uni, three of your former Woolworths colleagues from the Torquay days and a tag-along hen do.
28. Insisting to a horrified Italian that lasagne is a quintessentially British dish.
29. Watching Waterloo Road.
30. Making a “baby Guinness” by just filling a shot glass with Guinness.
31. Fifteen years later, still imitating the X Factor announcer guy saying “RRRRACHEL ADEDEJI!”
32. Referring to Buckingham Palace as “Bucky P” or “Bucko Pal”.
33. Your dad warning you about bamboo “taking over” the back garden as if it’s the coming of the apocalypse.
34. Walking into a greasy spoon with a hangover and ordering “a fat sausage sarnie and a runny egg”.
35. Referring to Magaluf as “shagaluf”.
36. A Dr Oetker pizza, a couple of cold ones and a nice bit of University Challenge.
37. Pretending you think Pret is a corporate capitalist conspiracy while knowing full well that you’ll go there for an egg and cress sandwich and sea salt and cider vinegar crisps every weekday lunchtime from now until you die.
38. Considering splashing out on a Hotel Chocolat gift box for your sister’s birthday, then just getting her Guylian Seashells, like always.
39. Spilling your drink on Miquita Oliver at a squat party in 2007.
40. Falling asleep on a bench in a children’s playground in Bedford.
41. Dressing for a night out in -3C weather in strappy heels, a bodycon minidress and nothing else.
42. Following Jane McDonald on Instagram.
43. Reminiscing about your 10th birthday party at Pizza Express.
44. Being absolutely devoed that the pub’s run out of scotch eggs.
45. Pretending not to know who David Dickinson is.
46. Posing for a picture with your hands in your pockets beside a brick wall, like a new EastEnders cast member announcement.
47. Pairing a bucket hat with a pair of reflective motorway worker pants and Lidl trainers.
48. Trying to add Snap, Crackle and Pop from the Rice Krispies ads to your Instagram close friends stories.
49. Saying “WAHEY!”, “WAYOO!” or “WHEEYYY!” at any given time, for any given reason.
50. Stag do in Warsaw, wedding in Menorca, divorce in Nottingham.
51. Not remembering your partner’s birthday but remembering exactly where you were for Cantona’s kung-fu kick.
52. Having mild-to-wild PTSD from the television adaptation of The Animals of Farthing Wood.
53. Hearing the Countdown music in your head every time there’s a time constraint on anything.
54. Referring to Sainsbury’s as “Sainy B” or “Sainos”.
55. Strawpedoing six bottles of Smirnoff Ice at Oceana while Cascada plays.
56. Referring to Smirnoff Ice as “smice”.
57. Getting your eyebrow pierced at Claire’s Accessories.
58. Bumping into Claire Sweeney at the Wolstanton retail park B&M.
59. Saying, “Cheese and pickle? Basic …” every time someone has a cheese and pickle sarnie.
60. Joining a WhatsApp group called “Grigio Girlies”.
61. Somehow knowing every word of the Eels song from The Mighty Boosh.
62. Having a childhood crush on Carol Smillie.
63. Referring to the pandemic as the “panny d”.
64. Attempting to explain Worcester sauce crisps to an American.
65. Being able to quote every episode of Peep Show.
66. “I want a kebab!”
67. Wearing “jeans and a nice top” to a funeral.
68. Dressing as the “beast from the east” for Halloween.
69. Remembering when “who shot Phil?” seemed more important than the discovery of fire.
70. Joining in with a busker on their rendition of Valerie and being really offended when they rightly tell you to piss off.
71. “Four members, five albums, one amazing pop group: JLS.”
72. Having a 2am scroll through Sophie’s 2017 Beefa snaps.
73. Quoting the Chicken Run line: “I don’t want to be a pie! I don’t like gravy,” every time someone mentions a pie.
74. Having a childhood crush on Steve Jones.
75. Turning down the crisp sandwich your mum made you because it’s on brown bread.
76. Carefully avoiding eye contact with your neighbour who just bought an XL Bully.
77. Persuading the cashier at Chicken Cottage to join you in a 2am duet of Sheila by Jamie T.
78. Knowing the heights, weights and birth signs of your football team’s entire first team squad, but not the date of your own wedding anniversary.
79. Blaming Carol Ann Duffy for failing GCSE English.
80. Still feeling proud of yourself for winning the Haven Holidays kids’ talent contest 29 years ago.
81. Fizzy Fridays at All Bar One with the girls.
82. Telling your mum off for saying “Dishy Rishi”.
83. Having mild-to-wild PTSD from the film adaptation of Watership Down.
84. Saving your sausage roll all the way from London to Grimsby, only for it to be stolen by a seagull the size of a yorkshire terrier.
85. Saying unsayable things in an argument to your nextdoor neighbour over them chopping down a tree to install a conservatory.
86. Using The Sims 4 to build a scale model of Barnsley shopping centre.
87. Priding yourself for identifying a Wetherspoon’s pic just by its carpet patterning.
88. Feeling elated at the discovery of the nuclear blue variety of European Fanta at your local corner shop.
89. Referring to eggs benedict as “eggs benny”.
90. Pledging allegiance to either Corrie or ’Stenders with the vehemence and reverence of an American patriot pledging allegiance to the flag.
91. Having the utmost conviction that you’d do a better job than the landscapers on Ground Force.
92. Having zero understanding of Taco Bell.
93. Having zero understanding of American football.
94. Having zero understanding of the French language – but insisting you can speak it.
95. Watching Love Actually every Christmas, despite not even really liking it.
96. Marching into a Turkish barbers and requesting “a sick fade”.
97. Knowing at least three people who’ve failed to launch a startup after being inspired by Dragons’ Den.
98. Filling the top shelf of your fridge door with sauce sachets from Nando’s and sauce pots from Maccies.
99. Developing a nuanced rapport with the squirrels in the park.
100. Being able to recite every word of Cher Lloyd’s X Factor audition.
