Monday
Another Christmas, another terrible disappointment for the Duke of York, only recently received back into the fold after all that unpleasantness with Jeffrey Epstein and now, cruelly, exiled once more. News of Andrew’s association with Yang Tengbo, an alleged Chinese spy banned from entering the UK, could not have broken at a worse moment, just in time for King Charles to visit a Christmas snub on him and remind those of us who had succeeded in banishing the former HRH from our thoughts since the last scandal, what a massive lump of clay he is.
Of course, the real casualty of this episode isn’t Andrew, UK national security or the reputation of the crown, but rather the Duke’s ex-wife, Sarah, who last year spent her first Christmas at Sandringham since 1992 and must have been beside herself – quite transported by joy – finally to have been let back in. How shattering for the 65-year old author, entrepreneur and humanitarian to be back to square one thanks to her moronic ex-husband, with whom, it should be remembered, she still lives – if two people occupying a 30-room house can be described as living together.
Anyway, the king is reported to be “furious” with his younger brother, who denies any impropriety. As does Yang, who in 2021 was stopped by UK border authorities while trying to enter the country and found to be in possession of a document describing the duke in what sound like terms that will endure – as a man in a “desperate situation” who “will grab on to anything”.
Tuesday
One possible beneficiary of the Chinese spy affair is Prince Harry, who thanks to his uncle’s buffoonery has slipped once again from No 1 to No 2 black sheep of the family and, like Andrew, is on the no-invite list at Sandringham this Christmas.
This rejection by the Firm does not, of course, prevent Harry from issuing a royal-themed festive message to the little people. And so to the Christmas cards, which offered a stark contrast this week between the relative understatement of the Prince and Princess of Wales’s offering – a single family photo alongside the plainly rendered words: “Wishing you a Happy Christmas and New Year” – and the lavish pronouncement of Harry and Meghan.
“On behalf of the office of Prince Harry and Meghan, the Duke and Duchess of Sussex, Archewell Productions and Archewell Foundation,” ran the card – one sensed a suppressed urge to throw a “Most Mighty” in there – “We Wish You a Very Happy Holiday Season and a Joyful New Year.” This was followed by six photos of the couple, including several in which they appeared to be busy with gap year-type activities, and one of the backs of the heads of their children.
Wednesday
To the fun bit of Christmas – the shows! Let’s save ourselves time: Day of the Jackal, brilliant; Black Doves, so bad even Sarah Lancashire can’t save it; new season of Somebody Somewhere, best TV of the year. At the theatre, Ballet Shoes at the National has picked up some flak for meddling with the in-aspic memories of those who grew up reading Noel Streatfield’s beloved novel and resent the not exactly new idea of putting male members of the corps de ballet in tutus. But it’s great, with or without children.
Which brings us to the real hot ticket of the season, the return of Matthew Bourne’s Swan Lake at Sadler’s Wells, almost impossible to get a seat for without leaving the house and queueing for returns. Although for my money, the real festive treat remains the eye-popping, jaw-dropping, crazily expensive but worth it experience of Abba Voyage, the avatar-led concert staged in a bespoke venue in east London and that is as close to the ghost of Christmas future – Paul McCartney, playing at the O2 this week, must surely be looking into this – as it’s possible to get.
Thursday
Nothing wrong with a little joke, as defenders of Gregg Wallace have been telling us for the past few weeks. And here with an official reminder this week came Ofcom, the media regulator, which dropped a job ad on LinkedIn for a role combating children’s access to illegal content and pornography with the apercu, “Always wanted to work in porn but don’t have the feet for an OnlyFans? Now is your chance.”
You can see how they got there, via the crushing pressure to be jaunty on socials and the promise of winning public recognition as a team leader, yes, but as one with the soul of an entertainer. Ofcom promptly self-regulated and apologised for the post, putting it down to “a mistake from a well-intentioned colleague wishing to attract attention to a recruitment post” – but it was too late. A sharp reprimand from Lady Kidron, a crossbench peer who campaigns for the protection of children online, reminded the regulator of something that apparently can’t be said too often enough or directed too far up the chain: that they are supposed to be the “grown-ups” in the room.
Friday
We’re here, finally, at the end of the week, dragging our bloody carcasses over the finish line. It’s my first British Christmas in a very long time and it’s noticeable how much more feverishly we lean into it than the Americans. They might have brighter lights and bigger trees but, at primary school level at least, there’s no one to touch this country on the knit-your own Christmas flapjack, staff panto, novelty jumper and overall down-tools vibe of the week before Christmas. Plus, if we’re lucky, we get longer off. New York state schools go back on 2 January, a piece of end-of-the-year cheapness I never got used to. Here’s to not stirring from the sofa until the 6th. Happy holidays.
Do you have an opinion on the issues raised in this article? If you would like to submit a response of up to 300 words by email to be considered for publication in our letters section, please click here.
