The least watchable all-star game in professional sports is no more. The NFL’s Pro Bowl won’t be held in 2023.
The lowest-effort football game this side of MTV’s scuttled Rock-n-Jock series has been phased out of the league’s lineup. The glorified touch football showcase that has recently featured stars such as Mac Jones, Evan Engram, Tyrod Taylor and so, so much Kirk Cousins is being replaced. Instead, the NFL will opt for a week — hold up a FULL WEEK?!? — of skills competitions that will prove which disinterested players are the best at, say, throwing footballs through tires or running obstacle courses.
The crown jewel of the festivities will be a flag football game sure to be watched by tens of hundreds of people.
BREAKING: The NFL is replacing the Pro Bowl with weeklong skills competitions and a flag football game, the AP's @robmaaddi has learned.
The new event will replace the full-contact showcase started in 1951 and will be renamed "The Pro Bowl Games."https://t.co/FjZGYZlHA0
— AP NFL (@AP_NFL) September 26, 2022
It’s a move that makes sense, as few people — including those actually on the field — seemed to care about the Pro Bowl. And while I contend my plan to fix the game, which involved randomizing positions and a 300-pound weight minimum for quarterbacks, was better this could still be fun. That is, if the NFL gets the skill competitions right.
Here’s what I’ve got in mind.
The NFL's fastest man
The simplest addition to be made and one that already mostly exists. The entire point of televising the Draft Combine every February/March is to watch players run the 40-yard dash. The NFL understands this is money, which is why it had Tyreek Hill and Micah Parsons sprinting against each other last February.
MICAH PARSONS WINS THE FASTEST MAN RACE. @MicahhParsons11 @NFLALLDAY
📺: #ProBowlSkills Showdown on ESPN pic.twitter.com/sdm1BQ7Ati
— NFL (@NFL) February 4, 2022
Expand those rosters to invite non-Pro Bowlers the way the NBA does with its three-point and dunk competitions. Anyone who ran under a 4.3 at the Combine gets automatic entry. Who doesn’t want to see Tariq Woolen trash talk Rondale Moore on a random Thursday night?
Hot dog eating contest
America’s number one sport meets football. Joey Chestnut serves as honorary referee.
Døds (or, death diving)
Let’s keep the trend of sports featured heavily on The Ocho going. Døds is a proud Norwegian tradition of jumping off a high dive like a lunatic, often crashing into the water face first in a display of chaotic grace. It is wonderful.
Now imagine this with a 330-pound guard. I understand the NFL is a multi-billion dollar company and needs no free advice. Yet here I am, giving it a surefire way to break into Norway.
Any and all American Gladiators events
Aaron Donald climbing like a squirrel to pull Alvin Kamara off The Wall! Joe Thuney, behind a turret designed to blast tennis balls at 150 miles per hour, attempting to shoot a scrambling Trevor Lawrence as he moves between safe havens and Nerf weapons! Aaron Rodgers turning down his place in the Joust against Kirk Cousins because his guru has advised him to practice non-violence!
Arm wrestling
In true Lincoln Hawk fashion, the winner gets his own big rig.
A full, honest-to-goodness decathlon
If we’re getting a full week of events, might as well make it worthwhile. Let’s see if Davante Adams can pole vault. Let’s let Lamar Jackson launch a javelin into low earth orbit.
Jeopardy!
Time for some cross-promotion! Make it a week-long tournament to crown the league’s arbiter of (mostly) useless knowledge. Don’t dumb down the questions like the show normally does for celebrities, either. I want to see what Jason Kelce knows about the French Revolution.
I guarantee you it will not be as painful as Alex Trebek running these nerds down.
