Name: Potatoes.
Age: The earliest verified potato remains, found in Peru, have been dated back to 2,500BC, though some tools suggest potato cultivation could have begun many thousands of years earlier.
Appearance: A light brown oval vegetable.
Thank you for describing a potato for me. Ah, you didn’t spot my deliberate mistake.
Which is? Potatoes aren’t vegetables.
Yes they are. I just Googled the word “potato” and the very first text that came up was “the potato is a starchy root vegetable”. Try telling that to the Dietary Guidelines for Americans Advisory Committee, because they are trying to get potatoes declassified.
As vegetables? Yes. If their plans succeed, the committee will pluck the potato from its home among all the other vegetables and drop it down alongside grains such as rice and oats.
But it’s a vegetable. Sure, and Pluto is a planet.
But Pluto is a planet, isn’t it? Oh you poor sweet fool, of course it isn’t. People decided ages ago that it’s a dwarf planet, which is a different thing altogether. Just like they have decided that potatoes aren’t vegetables any more.
Even though they are. Sure, speaking botanically, the potato is a vegetable. But in terms of diet, it really isn’t as good for you as other vegetables, so it’s out.
But what about all the potassium and vitamins they offer? Doesn’t that count for anything? Nope. Most of a potato’s nutritional worth comes from its skin. You know, the bit you remove before frying the rest of it in a vat of oil.
This feels quite momentous. On one hand it is. The National Potato Council of America is fighting tooth and nail to keep the potato’s status unchanged, fearing a huge drop in demand if people stop thinking that it’s a nutritionally valid vegetable.
But on the other? Oh, potatoes are going to be fine. Americans are always getting their knickers – sorry, underwear – in a twist over what counts as a vegetable. Forty years ago the classification was so porous that pickle relish qualified. And then a decade ago people worked out that, so long as it contained enough tomato paste, you could legitimately count a slice of pizza as a vegetable.
That’s ridiculous. I meant to say earlier, in the UK we don’t count potatoes as vegetables, either.
What? According to the NHS, potatoes do not count towards your five a day, because when eaten as part of a meal they usually take the place of a starch such as bread, pasta or rice.
I’m outraged. No you’re not. People still eat plenty of chips, don’t they?
I’m eating some now. Well then, there you go. Vegetable or not, potatoes are still delicious, and in the end that’s what counts.
Do say: “Potatoes are not technically vegetables.”
Don’t say: “Sadly, this means a full tube of Pringles no longer qualifies as a salad.”
