Victims of the Metropolitan police officer David Carrick have described the lasting impact of his crimes in statements read out at Southwark crown court by the prosecutor Tom Little KC on Monday. Here are the abbreviated words of four of the 12 women.
A woman who was falsely imprisoned and raped at gunpoint in 2003 said:
That night I felt I had encountered evil. For the past 19 years, I’ve been lost in my own life mainly due to this one event.
I distinctively remember his words: “Come on, you can trust me, I am the safest person you can be around, I am a police officer.” I honestly thought he was going to kill me that night. I thought he was going to rape me and kill me and that my life would be over.
I felt lucky to be able to leave the next morning as I didn’t believe that I would be doing so. I went to a phone box, called my doctor and was advised to go straight to the hospital. I distinctly remember standing in the room with the nurse after being examined and having them list my injuries. I felt ashamed, dirty and sick and was in so much pain. I remember aching all over from the terrible things he did to me that night.
The nurse and the doctor had asked me if I knew who had assaulted me, when I replied that it was a police officer the nurse told me that it wasn’t the first time she had heard this and, unfortunately, she doubted it would be the last. She told me it would be very hard getting it to go to court as the law tend to protect their own and that it is also likely that he “would know it was you and could make your life hell for doing so”. I do believe she was only trying to help me come to the decision that would be easier for me to live with, but after consideration I didn’t feel like I had much choice.
The days, weeks and months after, I couldn’t move on from that night. I kept seeing the gun he had pointed at me and remembering the cruel words he had used, saying the things he was going to do and if I just behaved, he would let me go. I couldn’t have people touch me; I didn’t like being around crowds of people as it made me feel like I was back to that very night.
Over the following weeks he had made a couple of attempts to contact me at my workplace, but I had left at that point as I didn’t want him tracking me down. I no longer felt safe around police after this event as I was always scared I would run into him again.
It has ruined relationships due to me being unable to get close to people, including my family, as I found myself feeling angry a lot and was no longer who they once knew. I also felt ashamed as I didn’t want to be labelled as a victim.
I remember who I was when I was 20 years old: I was starting to live my own life, I was saving to do my diploma and I was looking forward to the future. That one night stopped me achieving this as I didn’t want to stand out at all and felt that I wanted to be invisible or just disappear. I feel that I had missed out on 19 years of my life because this man did this terrible thing to me, he took away who I was and left me lost in my own life.
Although I am now older, I feel I am reliving trauma that happened such a long time ago. The memories of what he did have always been so very painful, but the truth of that night should be told, and he should be held accountable for his actions. I realise that nothing can change the past, but he had no right to assault me, sexually, mentally or physically, and has no understanding of how much this has impacted my life.
A woman who was subjected to coercive and controlling behaviour and repeatedly raped in 2016 said:
There are so many mental and physical scars that remain. I am not the same person I was before I met him.
One minute I would be the light of his life and he would treat me so well. The next, I was a piece of dirt on his shoe. I felt like I was being trained and then punished or rewarded depending on my actions.
He controlled almost every aspect of my life, from what I was allowed to eat, what weight he thought I should be and how much exercise he expected me to do. If I didn’t do as he requested, he would make me feel ungrateful, unappreciative, and call me obnoxious.
He began controlling and limiting my friends, family, and relationships … He was eliminating my support network slowly but surely until I lost contact with everyone I cared about and then he started to push my daughter away by not involving her in plans or arrangements. My daughter was only young at the time, and still is, but I know it has ruined our relationship.
Sometimes he was so aggressive during sex and he would hit me in my head or force his penis so far down my throat that I couldn’t breathe; I actually thought I might die. I had less and less energy to defend myself when I was forced to have sex. Mentally I was exhausted.
There was a time when I came to accept “my fate” and my duties of a “whore”. I slowly learned what he expected from me and how I could make my life easier.
I felt trapped, I couldn’t see an escape and he made me feel like I had no one. I became so low and depressed that I thought about hanging myself to end it all.
I am still recovering. I was only ready to talk about happened under Dave’s roof about a year ago or so … As a result, the nightmares are easing off and there are less and less of them.
During our time together he made me feel scared, humiliated, and worthless … I am only now learning that I am not a piece of shit, that I am valuable, worth loving and to be respected.
I do not trust men; I am unable to build healthy relationships. I do not trust authorities, especially the police. I am scared of the police: every time I see a policeman or police car I freeze, hold my breath before it begins to become rapid through panic.
Because of my involvement with Dave, I became homeless. The hardest things about being homeless was the fact that my daughter had to be homeless as well, she also needed to pay the price for my stupidity and naivety. I had to sign up to benefits. I had to turn to the food bank to feed myself and my daughter. My daughter started to self-harm.
I have dreams where I’m imprisoned in his house and searching for an escape and my daughter. I would wake up screaming and sweating with my heart pounding.
The impact on my young daughter has been debilitating to her at times … She is still experiencing nightmares herself.
A woman who was subjected to coercive and controlling behaviour, false imprisonment, rape and sexual assault between 2017 and 2019 said:
What happened to me when I was involved with the defendant broke me. Never in my life have I felt so isolated and alone.
I was not allowed to see family or friends. I was told consistently I was a whore and a slut; that my two daughters – the youngest being 16 at the time – were also sluts. I was ridiculed, teased, and shamed. I was told what to wear; what I could eat and what amounts. I was instructed to walk behind, not beside or in front. I was whipped, urinated on and locked naked in a cupboard. At times, I was made to sleep naked on the floor. My chest was sat on; I was strangled, kicked, and threatened. Text messages wishing me dead by car crash or cancer were sent, with a desire to “piss” on my grave once dead. I was told I was worthless and would be better off dead.
I was too frightened to go to the police to lodge a complaint as the defendant had drilled it into me that “he was the police; he was the law; and he owned me”. I was convinced the police would not believe me and would not investigate my complaint. I was terrified of making myself a target, so I remained silent.
I had become a shadow of my former self. I had lost a lot of weight. I was suffering from anxiety and depression and had developed a nervous stutter. I didn’t want to venture outside or talk to anyone. I was unable to work, which further depleted my confidence and significantly impacted me financially. I just found it so difficult to get out of bed each day. There were many times that I went to some very dark places inside myself.
I felt so dirty and so ashamed. My self-esteem and confidence were in tatters. I believed I was worthless and that I would never feel like my “normal” self again.
It has taken me a long time to forgive myself for getting involved with the defendant in the first place. I have learned a lot from the experience, and I will continue to grow and evolve because of it. The only feelings I have for the defendant are immense pity for how damaged he really is.
The negative impact from this experience is not going to define me but will instead shape me to be a better, stronger version of me.
A woman who was raped and sexually assaulted between 2018 and 2020 said:
I feel very low inside and out. I may look OK from the outside but inside I am hurting so much; no one knows how I am feeling apart from me.
My body is very tired. I don’t like myself; I feel ugly and sad. When I look in the mirror and I see my sad face I wonder how someone can do this to me. I am a nice person inside and out and I did not deserve all of this, no one should.
My eyes are full of tears, all I want to do is cry my eyes out. This will stay with me for the rest of my life and I don’t trust anyone any more. Some days I don’t want to go to work, all I do is want to stay home and shut myself in, because I know I will be safe and no one can hurt me.
I used to be a happy person but because of what happened, this has been taken away from me. I just hope that one day I will love myself again but it’s going to take long time to get myself back again.
I just hope that one day I will forgive. I have never felt so humiliated, trapped and hurt in my life. No one will ever understand how it feels unless it has happened to them, no one can judge you and the pain will never go away.
In the UK, call the national domestic abuse helpline on 0808 2000 247, or visit Women’s Aid. In Australia, the national family violence counselling service is on 1800 737 732. In the US, the domestic violence hotline is 1-800-799-SAFE (7233). Other international helplines may be found via www.befrienders.org
