Gwyneth Paltrow once famously said: “I am who I am. I can't pretend to be somebody who makes $25,000 a year.” It’s true: as the daughter of a director and actress, goddaughter of Steven Spielberg and founder of $250m wellness empire Goop, Paltrow’s not just loaded, she’s part of the 0.001%. But at least she’s self-aware, I guess.
Under the current cost of living crisis and general dystopian hellscape (there’s a literal bed bug infestation happening in London), you’d think the Goop founder would have revised her previous statement, right? Wrong. In fact, if this year’s Goop Holiday Gift Guide is anything to go by, she’s doubling down on it.
How else do you explain a $14,580 backgammon set? Unless it unlocks a secret world like in Jumanji, I struggle to see how any game will be fun knowing you spent a car’s worth of money to play it. There’s also a $800 leather racquet case (not racquet, just case) if you’re looking for a cheaper dopamine hit.
One of my favourite gift-giving tricks is to introduce someone to a hobby. Goop seems to agree. I usually go for pottery classes or bread-making lessons — Paltrow has other ideas. How about $4,899 for a cutting-edge eVscope 2 Smart telescope to start them on their stargazing journey? Or $4,299 for a small-space-friendly Pilates reformer (not that I think the receiver will be short on space).
A piece of jewellery is always a safe bet. If you’re spending $21,2000 on a Chrona mini link necklace or $7,250 on an Amazonian Adventures necklace, then $325 for a small Smythson jewellery roll to stop them getting tangled while travelling around is practically small change. There’s also a $11,000 custom-built ruby safe — God forbid you mix your precious gems with your diamonds.
Serious question: do people buy loved ones houses for Christmas? Because if so, Paltrow advises Residence 4 at The Well Bay Harbour Islands. It will set you back $4,450,000, but this is a time for giving. Once you’ve bought the house, you might as well throw in a custom pool.
Considering Goop has introduced “wellness” concepts like vagina candles and bee venom therapy into the fray, the guide has a dedicated wellness section. It’s nuts. Viva la Vulva vibrators (I literally cannot think of a less sexy name), ultraplus self-heating G-spot vibrator and a wave showerhead with the tagline “get clean - and get off” (I stand corrected). In the Goop world, wellness doesn’t just mean orgasms, although I can understand the confusion. Wellness also means microgreen grow systems and Loro Piana cocooning bottle holders for $575. I feel better already.
Don’t worry, she thought of the rest of us 99 per centers in her under $100 section. I just hope you’re up for baubles and manifestation notepads this Christmas.
