Singing gangster rap is a bad look for very rich white people. Particularly those like Kendall, who wish to surprise their dad with a rap called ‘L to the OG’ at a gala to celebrate 50 years of Logan at Waystar Royco: ‘Yo, bitches be catty, but the King Kong daddy rock all the haters while we go roll a fatty...’ Roman’s verdict: ‘I think this might be the end of the company.’
Dog poo bags are fine to keep your lunch in. ‘They don’t come pre-pooped,’ Greg tells a mocking Tom. ‘They’re just bags really — it’s a mental barrier.’
Never sit on a chair properly. Sit on the arm of it, upside down on it, but never actually put your bum on the seat. That is, if you want to be a ‘revolting little worm’ like Roman Roy. However, never, ever follow Roman and masturbate by the window in your corner office overlooking the city. London is a little more hemmed in and you don’t want to put Pret customers off their meatball wraps.
Never try too hard to look rich. The truly wealthy don’t bother. GoJo’s Lukas Mattson is so loaded he’s free to dress like a stoner Viking. Tom Wambsgans continually fails to grasp this, exposing his upstart desperation in his attire. The minted media bros all wear vests at the yearly retreat in Argestes, but none so puffy as Tom’s with its obvious showy logo. What you want is an expensive item that looks like a cheap item. ‘This is why people don’t take you seriously,’ Shiv says to him a few seasons later in Norway, ‘because your shoes are so f***ing white.’
There’s literally nothing too awful to say to your siblings. Shiv: ‘I’m pregnant.’ Roman: ‘Is it mine?’
Hyper-decant your wine. Connor Roy is incredulous that anyone doesn’t: ‘You should hyper-decant,’ he says, pouring a glass for Shiv from a massive receptacle. ‘It softens the tannins, heightens the aromas. You can age your wine five years in 10 seconds. Truly.’
Dial down your 40th birthday celebrations. If you do a Kendall and start making people enter the party via a mock-up of your mother’s birth canal — which also houses a replica of the treehouse where you used to cry as a kid — you’re setting yourself up for a public nervous breakdown.
Do not send dick pics to colleagues during meetings. You may accidentally, like Roman, send them to your own father instead — one who may not be the forgiving type and liable to take you off for an excruciating chat: ‘Are you a sicko? What is this? Why did you send it?’ ‘It’s just, y’know, ‘‘Here’s my dick.’’’ ‘What, like a ‘‘f*** you?’” ‘People just send each other pictures of their dicks... have you heard of ‘‘dick pics’’ Dad?’ ‘Well we do publish a number of popular newspapers, so yes, son, we probably invented the f***ing words — but why?’ In fact, without being too ‘Wokeahontas’ about it, maybe don’t send any dick pics to anyone at all.
Never travel by car in New York. The traffic is awful — as Kendall discovers, you may even be late to the board’s no-confidence vote you called against your father. Helicopters are best, though they come with their own risk of heart attacks if you’re an ageing ‘salty dog’ CEO. See also private jets.
Avoid swallowing your own load. It may seem ‘hot’ at first, but, as Tom discovered, your bachelor party buddies may not be convinced: ‘It’s a thing. It is. There’s a name for it. I can’t remember what it is.’
Opposites can attract. Sure, you may be a different character to the object of your affection, perhaps ‘the rock star and the mole woman’, as Roman tells Gerri. But there can be mutual business benefits — as well as hot through the bathroom door S&M dirty talk — if a ‘Jagger-Tarzan’ can team up with ‘a competent kind of clever filing cabinet that everyone seems content to have around’.
In a court of law, make sure you adjust your language to suite the occassion. Greg: ‘If it is to be said, so it is.’ Judge: ‘Are you alright?’ Greg: ‘Yes, I merely wish to answer in the formative fashion.’ ‘You can speak to us normally.’ ‘Thank you, sir... so I shall.’
No occasion is too sombre to not make some power plays. Shiv at Logan’s funeral: ‘I can do f***ing anything, my dad just died.’
At the right age and with the right level of money and power, you should mainly tell people to ‘f*** off’. That is, if you want to be a killer, you f***ing morons.
