First the good news. In just a few days time you won’t be subjected to a constant stream of unconsciousness from Kemi Badenoch and Robert Jenrick. Now the bad news. In just a few days time, either KemiKaze or Honest Bob will become the new Tory leader and you will get yet more white noise from one of them. Most likely Kemi. It’s enough to turn anyone to drugs.
There again, maybe you’re the type of person who can easily zone out the moment certain annoying sound frequencies kick in. Clearly you’re not alone. The more KemiKaze and Honest Bob battle for headlines, the greater the indifference.
There are very few people who actually care who becomes leader of the opposition. Not even the Tories are that bothered. Partly because the choice is so dismal, but mainly because they suspect it’s merely a temporary appointment. Give it a couple of years and they’ll be going through the whole process again.
The only two people who don’t seem to be aware of their own existential futility are Badenoch and Jenrick. No one has informed them of their pointlessness. Or if they have, neither has been listening.
In an act of sadism towards their listeners, radio and TV stations have been giving blanket coverage to whatever drifts across KemiKaze and Honest Bob’s synapses. To general disappointment, the law of averages has been letting everyone down. Rather than proving that eventually one of them might say something vaguely coherent, there’s been a race to the bottom. To appeal to the worst instincts of the Tory members by sounding clinically insane.
To Kemi’s credit, she had kept her silence through much of the interminable campaign. Better to be thought a liability than to prove it. But in the past week, she just hasn’t been able to restrain herself. Appearing on any outlet that is dumb enough to have her. Her explanation for the change of heart was that she felt she needed to put herself out there a bit more, as only about half of Tory members had bothered to vote.
Not for the first time – and certainly not for the last – KemiKaze had managed to get the wrong end of the stick. Her big takeaway had been that if only people got to see more of her, then they would fall under her spell. Such lack of self-awareness should have immediately disqualified her from the contest. Because surely by now she would have realised that the more people see of her, the more there is to dislike. But like so many politicians, she suffers from a narcissistic personality disorder. She is oblivious to reality.
Tuesday morning saw Kemi being interviewed by Kate McCann on Times Radio. McCann tried to interview Kemi, but found herself being constantly interrupted. Making unwanted corrections is the way Badenoch relates to people.
There was just enough airspace to condemn herself. “I like to make friends,” she insisted. Only she doesn’t. Why bother, when it’s so much easier to make enemies? She also claimed to welcome criticism and rudely denied that she’s rude. You couldn’t make this stuff up.
Though KemiKaze can’t help herself. She was asked about her comment that Honest Bob had “the whiff of impropriety” about him. Not exactly controversial stuff, as Honest Bob has form for handing out planning favours to wealthy Tory pornographers. But Kemi proceeded to round on McCann for accurately quoting her own words back at her.
It was the same when the interview moved on to maternity pay, Badenoch again claiming that there was an evil Kemi inside the good Kemi that kept saying words to trip her up. A therapist would have her work cut out with Badenoch.
Meanwhile, Honest Bob was not to be denied. Wading in to the reparations row, Jenrick managed to get an opinion piece into the Daily Mail in which he wrote that the UK had basically done countries a favour by colonising them. So, if anything, it was them that ought to be paying us money. As a token of gratitude. The reason so many former colonies were struggling is that they had made the mistake of wanting independence.
It’s not entirely clear who Honest Bob thinks he’s going to win over with this critique of pure reason. Not even Kemi goes this far in her endless culture wars. As so often, there is something inescapably inauthentic about Jenrick. As if he’s just trying on unpleasantness as a pose. KemiKaze is the real deal. There’s a purity to her nastiness. A seam of contempt that will almost certainly win her the contest.
Elsewhere in Westminster, everyone else was just filling in time before the budget. First, a meaningless Treasury departmental questions where time and again Rachel Reeves and her team had to point out that MPs would have to wait a day before finding out the government’s tax and spending plans. All of which is a charade, as ministers have been busy briefing almost everything over the past week or so. You’d have to have spent the last week in a news blackout not to be able to make a decent stab at delivering the budget yourself.
Which prompted the urgent question brought by the not very bright shadow chief secretary to the Treasury, Laura Trott. After the outburst from the speaker about budget leaks, she wondered whether the government might have been in breach of the ministerial code.
It was all a lot of fuss about nothing. The only budget in recent years that hasn’t been extensively pre-briefed was Kwasi Kwarteng’s. And look what that one did to the markets and mortgages. Trott’s less than convincing patter was that just because the Tories had leaked everything, it didn’t follow that Labour should do the same. Reeves should try to do a bit better.
In reply, paymaster general Nick Thomas-Symonds couldn’t disguise his lack of interest. “This government has the utmost respect for parliament,” he oozed. As in, next to none. The Commons could whistle for it. Ministers would continue to do as they always had. As far as the ministerial code was concerned, this hardly registered when compared withlockdown parties and dodgy Covid contracts. He had a point.
Taking the Lead by John Crace is published by Little, Brown (£18.99). To support the Guardian and Observer, order your copy at guardianbookshop.com. Delivery charges may apply.
