When I was 14 and sad, I would write my own soap operas. They would be inspired by Desperate Housewives and YouTube compilation clips of Joan Collins slapping people on Dynasty, and feature characters with names like Providence Glass and Brick Moreau. One character was kidnapped from her own wedding by a disgraced district attorney with both a sex dungeon and an army of pet alligators in her basement. It was that sort of thing. I never think about it. Until, that is, I watched the first three episodes of All’s Fair, a lurid, self-consciously ker-aaazy soap opera legal drama starring Kim Kardashian, Naomi Watts and Glenn Close, which arrived this week to risible reviews.
All’s Fair is the kind of show I would have loved – and probably could have written – at the age of 14. But I’m no longer 14, and television is largely in the rubbish chute, so All’s Fair feels like an elaborate joke being played on us. Is it the worst TV show in history, as some critics have claimed? I’m not convinced. I’m pretty sure it’s pure evil, though.
