Dear Kid Whisperer,
I think I have an unsolvable problem. I have twin 15-year-olds, a boy and a girl. I told them many years ago that I would buy them a car when they turned 16. My daughter presents no problem. She is responsible and she’s one of those kids who you basically don’t have to parent. My son, on the other hand, has the responsibility of an 8-year-old. He is barely able to get to school every day, even though I drive him (he can’t get out of bed, he dawdles until he’s late, etc.) I worry about letting him get his license and giving him a car, but I don’t want to go back on my promise.
— Judy, Nelsonville, Ohio
Judy,
Why in the world not? Yikes. This is not a tough one. Your daughter is ready to have a car. Your son appears to not yet be ready for fourth grade. She gets a driver’s license; he doesn’t. She gets a car; he doesn’t.
Why? Because it appears that she can be safe and responsible using a car, and it appears that he cannot.
If you gave her a car, she would use it as a car, and if you gave it to him, he might use it — probably by accident — as a means of injuring someone, including himself.
You “made a promise” to him? I’m not sure how this matters, or what this really even means. Who cares? He is not yet capable of driving a car or having a driver’s license, so he doesn’t get either.
Here’s how I would “break my promise” without shame or regret:
Kid Whisperer: Ugh. Kid No. 1, you have been showing me you are not responsible. You are never ready for school on time, and I have to remind you multiple times to get out of bed.
Kid No. 1: I feel that you are casting shame upon me, and this is a violation of my human and civil rights. I’m very much looking forward to having my new car so I can drive away from this House of Shame.
Kid Whisperer: About that. Due to your inability to act in a way that shows you are responsible for owning a car and having a driver’s license, I will not yet allow you to own a car or have a driver’s license.
Kid No. 1: Very funny. I require a leather interior.
Kid Whisperer: You can have a driver’s license when you show me with your actions that you are responsible enough to get one, or when you turn 18, whichever happens first. You can take part ownership of Kid No. 2’s car if you become sufficiently responsible before the age of 18.
Kid No. 1: THIS IS RIDICULOUS! THIS ISN’T FAIR! WHY DOES SHE GET A CAR AND A LICENSE?!
Kid Whisperer: I only say things once.
Kid No. 1: YOU ARE A LIAR!
Kid Whisperer: Alrighty.
Kid No. 1: THIS IS A HOUSE OF LIES!
That’s it. I have some problems with this plan (I think giving a kid a car without them paying for any of it teaches some bad lessons), but this answers the question you asked. The rest is none of my business.
This will encourage responsibility and make Kid No. 1 both safer and more responsible once he does get behind the wheel.
