Those who have lost a loved one will tell you that grief is a journey. There's no definitive end point, but rather a series of peaks and troughs, advancements and setbacks, highs and lows.
For Anthony Marn, an oil painter from Manchester, grief is a rock in his chest that he can always feel. Tragically, when he was just five years old his mother took her own life and, eight years later, his father did the same.
While he didn't know much about his mother's passing, when his father died he knew he had taken his life, but his paternal grandparents, who he describes as "lifesavers", protected him from the truth. "In those days no one really talked about it, there were no family conversations about what had happened," he explains over the phone from his home in Delph.
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While Anthony spent most of his teenage years trying to process the trauma, when he was 26 he was forced to confront his past. Joining Greater Manchester Police in 1990, part of his training was to attend a post-mortem to prepare him for the line of duty - but nothing could have prepared him for what happened next.
"Before going in to the post-mortem, they gave me photographs of a body and what they didn’t realise is that they gave me photos of my father and the location where he died - I had never known where he died," recalls Anthony.
Anthony was given counselling during his time on the force and went on to work in office-based roles and in the Criminal Investigation Department (CID), but was later retired from the police on health grounds. "I think I knew I couldn’t do it anymore, the violence, the suffering and loss just got to me and I went off sick and within a couple of years they said they were going to retire me."
When Anthony was at school his art teacher had seen great promise in him and encouraged him to go to art school, but instead he trained as a mechanic and later joined the police - though he says he would have preferred to join the fire brigade. Some years after his retirement from the force, he found himself returning to painting and went to visit an art gallery called Weaver's Factory in Uppermill.
"I showed them some of my paintings and quickly realised it wasn’t what they were looking for, but I spoke to (curator) Julian (Bovis) and he looked at my work and he said ‘I can’t see any of you in your paintings or your passion’," says Anthony. "I don’t know why I said it, but I explained to him that I have to hide, I couldn't let anybody see me, and I told him about my story and that I have to lock it away because it’s too painful and I can’t always control it."
Reflecting on the conversation, Anthony decided to go away and try and channel the grief from his childhood and face his past head on. "I painted a picture called The Boy Within, it’s a boy standing behind a door and it’s a self portrait of the child that’s still trapped inside me and still waiting for his dad.
"I showed Julian and he said 'we need to show this', so we did an exhibition called 'The Spaces Left Behind' about the effect of losing my mother and father and the void. Unfortunately, because of Covid it was stopped, but the response from people was unbelievable.
"I think they could relate in their own way because of their own loss. It was about remembering people who had been in our lives and those we had cared about in a positive way, but it was very emotional for people as well.
"There were men my age, in their 50s and 60s, big broad shoulders, with tears in their eyes, but it wasn’t just sadness, people would say it reminded them of their fathers, and another lady bought a picture because it reminded her of her dad’s workshop. My paintings are about my experience, but people can look at and it may provoke a positive reaction."
Not long ago, Anthony was approached by Sara and Jez Fixter, from the funeral directors, Full Circle Funeral Partners in Altrincham, who had decided to provide a platform for people to share their art as part of a exhibition helping people to process a loss or bereavement. The 'Art After Loss' showcase includes creative works spanning paintings, sculpture, poetry, dance and music and is open to both professional and amateur artists.
"Everyone experiences loss in a different way and the emotions felt can be wide-ranging and sometimes challenging," explains Sara Fixter.
"Many people told us how cathartic they found the creative process and how it helped them to express their emotions after experiencing loss.
"We believe exhibiting this personal and heartfelt work is really important. Contributors themselves have told us how therapeutic it has been to share their work and stories of the people they love. Some have told us how the exhibition has empowered them to share art that they had previously kept private and it’s a real positive to see their work and in many cases, the name of the person they love displayed and talked about."
The event, which has been taking place this month, includes pop-up exhibitions at Altrincham Library and The Counselling and Family Centre (CFC) Altrincham, open to the public, as well as a display for students and staff at the Altrincham campus of Trafford College.
Alongside these events, Sara and Jez have collaborated with the Inch Arts charity to run a special exhibition of original artwork, in the same spaces, until the end of May on the same theme. Four of Anthony's works, including The Boy Within, are on display here.
Other artworks by Anthony on display include 'My Father's Workshop', illustrating how he left it in 1976, and 'The Morning After', inspired by the the last time he saw his father.
While rediscovering his passion for art has been a cathartic experience for Anthony, it is also part of his grief journey, and some of his paintings - inspired by images of his father and late grandparents - have been difficult to create. "People say it must be relaxing, I don’t know any artists that say they’re relaxed, they’re all struggling to get something on the canvas and I don’t know if anyone ever gets exactly what they want out of a painting," he ponders.
"I have a image here that I’ve not sent to the gallery of my father when he was about 12, of him on holiday in the 50s playing with a pal on the beach. There's three of them all together smiling, so I painted it because he looks happy there, he had all of his future in front of him, all this life.
"Painting that was heartbreaking. But while painting is a painful and difficult process sometimes, the end result allows me to move forward, I’m now not trapped by the past like I was for years."
As well as the exhibition, Anthony takes on commissions from others who have felt a deep connection to his art. "I put up a painting of my father’s working boots - the ones (he) left behind - online, and a lady contacted me and asked if it was for sale as she has lost her husband and the picture really reminded her of him.
"The painting wasn't for sale, but she sent me over a picture of his boots and said he was always wearing them and always had them on in the garden, so I decided I need to paint the boots for her."
Anthony jokes that he isn't too keen on having recently turned 60, but says he feels grateful to have 'made it this far' and now has a family of his own which has brought him 'joy and a sense of peace'. "I don’t tell my story very often because people worry about me, but where I am now - I have a 19-year-old daughter, a 12-year-old son, and my partner - is wonderful, I am so immensely happy.
"I have all that stuff locked up inside me and it comes out every now and then but I’m very happy and growing up I couldn’t allow anyone to care for me, couldn't risk it, but when my children we born I could actually love someone without worrying whether I was good enough. They love me for who I am and it has set me free."
More information about 'Art After Loss' - including the online gallery space - can be found here.
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