And in the words of Tracy-Ann: “If you don’t love yourself then nobody else is ever going to love you.” At least, I think that’s right.
A big THANK YOU for reading this liveblog, for all of your wonderful comments and messages to both Michael and I. It has been a hoot to be with you each and every week, and it was made even more enjoyable every time Michael lost it when a handshake was dished out for an underwhelming signature. Wait, that last part was something I was thinking and shouldn’t have been writing.
I can’t believe it. I honestly, honestly can’t believe it. We were SO CLOSE!
Final moments aside, what a good episode to end the celeb series on – some genuinely great bakes, and some absolutely awful ones. Mawaan’s disintegrating Showstopper joins James Acaster’s wet flapjacks (“bon appetit”) and KSI’s upturned open-topped pie in the history books of celeb disasters.
AND SHE GOT A HANDSHAKE. JUST TO ANNOY MICHAEL.
NO! NO NO NO!
Overall, she probably did deserve it. She tried the hardest and did the most complex bake this episode.
And the winner is … ELLIE
I know it’s gonna be I know it’s gonna be I know it’s gonna be I know it’s gonna be I know it’s gonna be a big moment for her.
Yep.
I see the resemblance#GreatBritishBakeOff #paulhollywood #GBBO pic.twitter.com/wif4JYT1sk
— Señor Spitalfields (@SeorSpitalfiel1) April 19, 2022
I predict Ellie Goulding will win – she’s been the most adventurous throughout, hasn’t she? What do you think BTL?
And also just as important - Derry Girls is on in 10 minutes.
Ellie’s done fairly well, I think? It’s hard to say considering we’ve never seen the bar simultaneously so high (Sophie) and so low (Mawaan)
Sophie’s biscuit portrait would be right at home on a regular season. An absolute treat.
Baking is art. Art is baking.
— British Bake Off (@BritishBakeOff) April 19, 2022
What a tremendous @KathyBurke creation from @SophMorgTV! #GBBO pic.twitter.com/dNmNLhIJtH
Tracy-Ann’s RuPaul has a touch of the medusa about it. Don’t look it directly in the eyes. Or the feet-hands.
It appears Mawaan is making an ancient Egyptian death mask for Paul. I’m both impressed and horrified.
“I’m really upset about the hair” says Tracy-Ann at a plate of well-formed biscuits as Mawaan’s pile of crumbs goes from bad to worse.
*Mawaan’s bake and dreams in a million pieces*
Noel: “You can do it.”
I’ve not seen a baker as phenomenally unpredictable since Bake Off Jamie.
I think we can all agree that, despite (or because of) what we’ve just witnessed, Mawaan should definitely join a regular series of Bake Off. Perhaps just as a fun contestant to cut to when things get tense?
I don’t think he’s going to get Star Baker.
He flew too close to the sun. Paul Hollywood’s mahogany face has shattered into a hundred pieces, and Mawaan is on the floor howling at the tent’s unflinching peaks.
Mawaan twenty minutes ago: “They should have gotten real bakers in.”
Mawaan right now “I should go on the real Bake Off”.
This was moments after pushing liquorice allsorts into his eyes.
The brandy has well and truly snapped.
Mawaan, perhaps unsurprisngly, is struggling to form a face from his melted/burned cheese-slop.
Why do I have a sense of foreboding and pure fear all of a sudden?
“RuPaul’s body and breasts have entered the oven”.
SIR DAVID ATTENBOROUGH IN BISCUIT FORM.
New Drag Queen Name: Brandy Snap.
Here’s some other amazing celebrity memories.
What can possibly go wrong when bakers are asked to make Showstoppers of famous people on #GBBO? pic.twitter.com/W9bNxkMpQQ
— British Bake Off (@BritishBakeOff) April 19, 2022
RuPaul looks like he’s been rolled unnervingly thin. And let’s hope Ellie’s David Attenborough is a bit more successful than his last depiction in the tent…
It’s our public duty to run to the need of Sir David Attenborough if he ever needs us. In cake and in life. ❤️ #GBBO pic.twitter.com/0mch0IyhJL
— British Bake Off (@BritishBakeOff) September 22, 2020
I’d like a celebrity special to be entirely made up of Drag Race alumni. Can you imagine the carnage?
Tracy-Ann: “It currently looks like two fallopian tubes but it will actually be RuPaul in biscuit form.”
Instead of coming out with RuPaul’s famous catchphrase (“if you can’t love yourself how the hell are you going to love somebody else?”), Tracy-Ann instead came out with a slightly more bleak “if you don’t love yourself then nobody else is ever going to love you.”
SOPHIE IS BAKING A BISCUIT KATHY BURKE. THAT IS ALL.
They said the word “sucking” a lot didn’t they? I couldn’t focus on anything else.
Prue is hoping the bakers will “astonish us”. I imagine that’s likely, though it may not be for the right reasons.
Funnily enough I was going to say the same thing.
Reese Witherspoon as Legally Blonde’s Elle Woods in the scene where she solves the criminal case due to extensive knowledge of hair-care. How about you?
Michael, who would you depict in celebrity biscuit form?
Time for the Showstopper Challenge dartboard!
This time the bakers must make … an exquisite biscuit portrait of their favourite celebrity hero.
Yes! Let’s throw him a party. In a church. We can invite both our families and a priest. I’ll buy some rings. Everyone can buy hats.
Remember we’re all here to raise money for people like Tiffany. Scott and I will be donating part of our fees to SU2C, and you can get involved here too.
I know it’s gonna be, I know it’s gonna be, I knowwwww it’s gonna be, I know it’s gonna be I knowwww it’s gonnnnaa be … a hell of a Showstopper.
Looks like Ellie left the judges … Starry Eyed. Dammit Scott, it’s catching.
4. Mawaan. 3. Sophie. 2. Tracy-Ann (“You may have come second but that doesn’t mean it was brilliant”). 1. Ellie (“It was a low bar”).
Unfortunately for her roly poly, Ellie was gonna Let it Burn.
Scott, please behave yourself.
Ellie could win this. I mean Anything Could Happen.
Mawaan’s missing 20cm from his! That’s almost eight inches! Don’t ask how I know.
CSI: Roly Poly. All suspects are guilty. No survivors.
Breathe in everyone. It’s the technical judging.
Mawaan chopped half of his off, so the part of his roly poly we are seeing is the best part.
This looks more like an episode of Celebrity A&E than Celebrity Bake Off.
“I just need to squeeze it in”, pleads Mawaan. Not an encouraging thing to hear in any circumstances.
This is one of the worst looking technical challenges in all of the celebrity series and that is saying something.
They all look like roadkill, don’t they? Yikes.
“It smells a bit burnt? Is that a sign I should take it out?” Ellie Goulding, everybody.
“Have you ever seen anything more disgusting?!”, pines Sophie. Yes, we all saw Motsi’s Meringue Mess last week.
The Motsi Meringue Mess. Patent pending. #GBBO @Motsi_Mabuse pic.twitter.com/QwRgNZ4Np5
— British Bake Off (@BritishBakeOff) April 12, 2022
For the record, I am not against Mawaan twerking.
If Mawaan spent less time twerking with his jam, he may have his roly poly in the oven by now. Not a complaint, just an observation.
At this rate Mawaan is just going to be serving us a bowl.
The bakers are all heading towards the ovens while Mawaan’s dough still resembles playdough. Those nails are ruined, aren’t they?
Wait, is she just carrying on without adding sugar? Hilarious.
Ellie’s apparently just not added any of the ingredients. “It’s fine!”, she laughs. I’d argue it, perhaps, is not fine.
“How are you supposed to work out what millilitres is?” says Tracy-Ann, briefly forgetting the concept of measurement – despite having scales and a jug in front of her.
If Mawaan doesn’t do a roly poly after putting his roly poly in the oven, why are we even here?
Seconded, and I’m going go ahead and commit Scott to thirding it, too. I’d spend all night voting for him to reach the final if I had to.
The technical challenge is …
… an almond and cherry jam roly poly with custard. In 90 minutes. The bakers just laugh.
Don’t speak too soon. There are two more challenges to come …
NO HANDSHAKES. An end of season miracle for Michael.
Paul and Prue want more mango. It is like they are actively trying to troll us.
I told you they’d make it look fancy!
“The colours aren’t particularly appealing”, notes Paul – perhaps forgetting that, between them, Prue and Ellie’s outfits sport the very same colours.
There are so many flowers on her cake you can barely see the cake! What a genius idea.
On to the judging …
My prediction is two handshakes. We might as well accept them now.
Tracy-Ann, it’s not even 9pm.
Tracy-Ann seductively gushes directly down the camera that she is “gilding her lily” and I’ve become all hot under the collar.
Meanwhile Mawaan takes his cake out of the oven, one hand covered with the oven glove and the other one without.
Panic visibly rising in Sophie’s eyes there as she asks if the paint she’s just sucked off a brush is edible.
I may need translation for most of Mawaan’s sentences, but I’m entranced. What a lovely marbley mango he has (not a euphemism).
Mawaan Rizwan on Bake Off is an absolute (neon) hoot pic.twitter.com/fBIOI4bPvo
— Scott Bryan (@scottygb) April 19, 2022
EVEN MAWAAN’S SOCKS ARE NEON, MICHAEL. AND THE COLLAR OF HIS SHOE.
Be still my beating heart.
Oh my word THE DANCE Mawaan does the moment that he puts his cake in. “It’s in the oven,” he says afterwards, grinning from the floor.
Mawaan-go (sorry) is worried that he is behind because everyone else’s cake is “well in the oven”. To be fair to him, they “well” are.
“Think of me as your Mum”, says Prue as she shakes Tracy-Ann’s hand. Perhaps relationships are conducted more formally in the Leith household?
“Dollop. I’m dolloping,” says Tracy-Ann.
Mawaan is complaining that Paul didn’t respond well to his flirting. From what I can tell, said flirting consisted almost entirely of shouting the word “mango” at an increasingly puzzled Paul.
Yes, perhaps we all need a go-to consolation treat every time Paul’s paw reaches over the counter. Woe betide our waistlines.
I don’t think I particularly want to eat Ellie’s – but edible flowers are a sure-fire way to make a cake look fancy!
I do admire the wordplay that Matt Lucas uses while describing Mawaan’s marble cake too: “Mawaan will go where no other man goes …”
Thoughts and prayers to all those BTL. Mawaan’s idea does sound like a delicious cake, though.
Oh my god, Mawaan is not only baking with mango (!!) he is singing a song about mangos to the presenters and judges (!!!)
Mawaan has already started all over again because he added every single one of the ingredients to his bowl, thinking that the ingredients were the list of instructions. This episode is 100% Mawaan now. There are no other bakers.
“If any of this damages my nails, I am suing Bake Off”, warns Mawaan. Maybe that’s why we weren’t allowed to wear nail polish.
For the Signature, the bakers have to bake an “exquisitely decorated marble loaf cake.”
And Matt Lucas tries a joke about how Paul Hollywood ate Mary Berry or something.
“I would compete with a four-year-old”, says Tracy-Ann Oberman – who is giving me sultry Nigella Lawson crossed with nerdy Austin Powers vibes.
Mawaan to the other bakers: “Break an egg.”
That’s why we’re here, Mawaan.
He’s dressed like a yassified construction worker – including neon nails, which I am very jealous of. Interestingly, bakers aren’t usually allowed to wear nail polish because of boring food hygiene procedures. I wonder who he flirted with to bend the rules …
Can we please talk about Mawaan’s outfit? It is delightfully neon and he would be helpfully seen by traffic if he is cycling home afterwards.
Still thinking of this fact that someone told me about Bake Off the other day
Fun fact, by the end of the next regular series Noel Fielding will have presented more episodes of Bake Off than anyone else.
— Olly Perris (@ollyperris) April 5, 2022
MANGO WARNING
This week’s Forbidden Ingredient, earning immediate expulsion from both the tent and our collective hearts, is … mint. Please note, however, that there is one exception to the rule – if mint is included in ice-cream, I shall turn a blind eye (as long as they share).
Finally, before we unveil this week’s Forbidden Ingredient, I fear I owe you all an apology. It appears that I have become something of a Forbidden Ingredient oracle, predicting items which are then flaunted in our disappointed faces by the bakers. I am going to try my hardest to avoid my instincts moving forward, which I hope will rectify the issue.
Without further ado, let’s set up this week’s bingo:
- Cracks aplenty
- Undeserved praise
- A celeb that clearly has not practised
- Paul’s glassy-eyed intimidation tactics
- Prue dressed as a neapolitan ice-cream
Who will complain about the handshakes constantly throughout the episode? Most definitely Michael.
This week, we have apple-of-my-eye (and comedian) Mawaan Rizwan, actor Tracy-Ann Oberman, singer Ellie Goudling and presenter Sophie Morgan. Who among them can bake? Probably none of them. Who among them will get handshakes? Probably all of them.
Don’t forget Annie Mac not knowing how to say KNEADING, Prue being dressed as a kaleidoscope, Motsi adding a disco ball to her bake to distract everyone from her actual bake, two contestants actually forgetting to put flour into the technical and Ed Gamble saying this while taking his bake out of the oven.
Music to our ears! Bravo @EdGambleComedy! #GBBO pic.twitter.com/t6KdwW1kvY
— British Bake Off (@BritishBakeOff) April 5, 2022
Hello! Would you believe it, we are at the final TGSU2CBOGLB already (and we never quite got the abbreviation to take off – pity). What a treat it has been – from Blake’s cunnilingual fondants to Motsi’s meringue mishaps, and all those handshakes *shudders*.
