Most parents and caregivers don’t relish talking to young people about sex. But, with graphic content only a few clicks away, such conversations are more important than ever. Sex educators share their tips on how to communicate well with kids about bodies, relationships and consent.
Start young in an age-appropriate way
“You always want to be ahead of the stage that your child is at, rather than reacting to what is happening to them,” says Milly Evans, a sex educator from Margate and author of Honest: Everything They Don’t Tell You About Sex, Relationships and Bodies. She recalls girls starting their periods at her primary school before anyone had talked about it: “It was really scary for them.”
Dolly Padalia, CEO of the UK-wide charity School of Sexuality Education, agrees it is never too early to begin conversations about bodily autonomy and consent. With young children, for instance: “You can say, ‘You look really sad; is it OK if I give you a hug?’ Or if they don’t want to hug relatives, they absolutely don’t have to, and they’re not going to be forced to.” She refers to the NSPCC’s “pants rules”: “It is OK for a young person to understand their own body, but their body belongs to them, particularly what is in their pants.”
Be approachable
“The most powerful thing we can do is create a safe space where young people know that they can always come to us if they’ve got any questions or if they feel uncomfortable,” says Padalia. “When we were growing up, we were told that you have this one conversation about the birds and the bees, and then that is it. But, actually, it is really important that we are having regular conversations about sex and relationships.”
Reflect on your own sex education
“A lot of parents probably didn’t get a very robust sex education themselves, at home or in school,” says Dan Simpson, a sex educator from Brighton who delivers workshops in schools with the organisation Split Banana. He recommends some self-reflection when preparing to talk to kids about sex. “What has your education been? And actually, a bit deeper than that: where do you individually feel a bit uncomfortable? Where do you have unexamined beliefs or ideas?” Simpson has a young child and is already thinking about how he will talk to her about these issues. “When a child brings something to you, you notice your own reaction, your own worries, your own fears.”
Avoid being awkward
If we are taught from a young age that sex education is shameful, “it becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy,” says Justin Hancock, who runs the sex ed website Bish and is author of the book Can We Talk About Consent? “There is nothing about the topic of sex and relationships that makes it an awkward topic. It is just that we make it awkward.”
Choose the right moment
Rather than sitting a young person down to have “the talk”, which can feel incredibly awkward, sex educators say it is better to broach big subjects while doing something else. “A lot of the time, the useful conversations about sex and relationships happen in cars, when you’re not looking at each other, or washing the pots. If you’re not necessarily looking at each other, you can keep it quite casual,” says Hancock. Aim for a little-and-often approach, he says. “See it not just as a talk, but as an opportunity to listen.”
Think about language
All the sex educators recommend avoiding euphemisms or slang for body parts. “Use correct terms for anatomy, rather than shrouding bodies and genitalia in shame and stigma,” says Padalia. “Obviously, families have different words, especially with young children,” says Evans, “but tiptoeing around it, to the point where you’re not really having a conversation about sex, isn’t helpful. Especially as a neurodivergent person, it confused the hell out of me as a child when teachers would insinuate stuff, but I wouldn’t understand what was happening. Being really clear means you’re making sure that you are getting your message across.”
Be neutral and non-judgmental
Evans says it’s best to use neutral language when talking about your child’s future partner. “Don’t say, ‘When you have a boyfriend,’ but rather, ‘your future partner’.” Likewise, says Padalia, try to respond in a non-judgmental way when they share their experiences with you. “Responding with judgment is a very quick way of shutting down future conversations.”
“When I was a teenager, if people told me not to do something, I’d do it immediately,” says Jo Morgan, who is based in Portsmouth and runs Engendering Change, which delivers sex, relationships and diversity education in schools and beyond. “The world they are growing up in is different from the one we grew up in. That doesn’t mean that I would legitimise sending nudes, but I would walk into that conversation knowing that a lot of young people have already done it, and help them to navigate that.”
It is an honour for a young person to confide in you about such matters, so treat this with the respect it deserves, says Simpson: “I grew up in quite a homophobic, misogynistic, anti-transgender culture, and I think we are still there largely, so it can be quite hard when an unexpected conversation happens with a young person.” He suggests trying to “bring an openness to that young person and not steer them in any direction that we might prefer or that we think might make them happier overall, because that is our judgment. Allow them the space and freedom to explore.”
Embrace the humour of it
Laughter can help, says Evans. “One of the things that people struggle with is getting the balance between being serious and being embarrassed. But there is a middle ground: silliness. A lot of this is about fun, it’s about pleasure” – and you can tell a young person that although they might find some things weird or squeamish right now, when they’re older they may be more interested.
“Sex is funny,” says Morgan. “Talking about sex is funny and fun. I bring that to my classroom and conversations with my own children. If we can overcome that awkwardness and taboo, I think what we give them is sexual literacy, and what that means is they are going to be so much more able to access what they need in terms of sex, whether it’s going to the shop and buying condoms or going to a sexual health clinic and getting a test for a sexually transmitted infection, or, when they’re with a partner, negotiating consent. If we can model sexual literacy and help them to acquire that skill, that is a huge part of a happy and healthy life.”
Spell out the meaning of consent
“People assume their kids will grow up to have good morals because they feel they have good morals, and so their kids wouldn’t ever sexually assault someone,” says Evans. “But we have to teach the very fundamentals of things like consent and communication, because we can’t just assume that a young person will learn that through osmosis.”
“We do consensual things in all aspects of our daily lives,” says Hancock. “If you’ve ever shared a meal or watched a TV show with someone, then all of those are very complex consent negotiations, because consent is about having the freedom to choose to agree.” In his workshops, Hancock gets young people to discuss all the things that they do that they know to be consensual and what is happening for each person in that interaction, so that they can “apply some of the learning from these other aspects of life to sex”.
Don’t rely on school to teach everything
In England, relationships and sex education became statutory in 2020. At primary school this includes healthy relationships in the lower years, then puberty and reproduction as part of science as they get older. Secondary schools are required to cover everything from fertility and STIs to coercion and consent. This means, explains Morgan, that “every student should be getting that statutory content. In faith schools, that can be interpreted from a faith perspective. In reality, what I see is the delivery and the quality are incredibly patchy and really inconsistent.” “There are schools that are doing great work,” says Evans, “but most really only cover the basics. It has got very little to do with the modern world and the realities of the relationship landscape that young people are navigating.”
Teach them to think critically about pornography
One thing that probably isn’t happening enough at school is equipping young people with the skills to think critically about what they see online, says Evans. “More than any other generation, young people have access to loads of sex education online, but a lot of it is terrible. Giving them the skills to determine what is true, what is medically accurate, and what is unhelpful is probably one of the best things you can do.”
“We know from the Children’s Commissioner report last year that 10% of nine-year-olds have seen online porn,” says Morgan. “The average age of access is 13.” Delaying conversations around porn means “we leave children at risk of having their first education about sex from porn, and that is potentially confusing and damaging,” Morgan continues. “I would rather have a difficult conversation with a child, which empowers them and enables them to deal with that, than not. I think people worry that if we have that conversation, they are then going to run into the next room and access porn, because we’ve planted the seed. But actually, if you look at all of the evidence about sex education, it doesn’t lead to sexual behaviours. What it means is they tend to do it later and when they do, their behaviour is less risky.”
“Many young people will be looking at porn if they have access to a phone or laptop,” says Simpson. “It is OK for parents to worry, as viewing porn can be addictive and give unrealistic expectations of sex.” But it can be reframed as showing that young people are interested in sex and how bodies work, so “coming from a place of punishment or shame doesn’t tend to work”. Instead, use it as an opportunity to “speak about sex and relationships more broadly, but also contextualise most porn as unrealistic in many ways: created by performers, often focused on a male perspective, sometimes violent, and with no conversations about consent or meaning.”
Don’t judge them for the things they see
“A really useful thing to say is, ‘If you go on the internet and see anything that bothers you, just let me know’,” says Hancock. Some research has shown that when prepubescent children stumble across explicit material online, they are more worried about their parents being angry with them for seeing it than about seeing the material itself.
Be supportive, not forceful about contraception
Evans remembers her parents showing her how to use a condom, but conversations about contraception are not always straightforward. “Young people might be worried about not feeling like they can book a doctors’ appointment without their parents coming along, even though they can, and worrying that their parents are going to have to give permission for them to go on the pill,” she says. “Make it clear that whatever options they choose to go with, what is important to you is that they are safe and that they are making the right choice for their body.”
Talk about periods, too
Teach all children about all bodies, not just their own. “None of us would be here if it wasn’t for the menstrual cycle,” says Padalia, “so it is really important that everyone learns about it, not only from a biological and healthcare lens, but also with empathy and understanding.”
Leave useful resources lying around
“My mum used to leave books on the stairs for me to read,” says Evans. Things have moved on a bit since Judy Blume. Evans recommends Here and Queer – a Queer Girl’s Guide to Life by Rowan Ellis, and Officially Losing it by Rebecca Anderson, along with Suzi Ruffell’s podcast. Morgan suggests the Sex Education Forum website, and Hancock suggests Scarleteen and Cory Silverberg’s books. Simpson says it is worth watching the TV show Sex Education with teenagers to use it as a jumping-off point.
Admit that you are still learning, too
Don’t be embarrassed if you don’t know the answer to something, says Evans, recalling having to do this herself during a talk to 150 girls. “For a young person to see that an adult doesn’t know something, and they can go and find the information, can be very empowering,” says Padalia. “It is a two-way process – be prepared to learn things from them.”
