Name: The Christmas dinner-flavoured scone.
Age: New for 2024, while stocks last.
Appearance: Christmas, but on a scone.
Whose idea was this? The Cornish Company, purveyors of Cornish pasties, Cornish scones and Cornish-themed Christmas hampers.
So it’s a Cornish thing? No, they just made it up.
And how do you make a scone Christmas dinner-flavoured? Actually the scone itself is “stuffing infused”, but it comes in a hamper with sliced turkey, cranberry relish and a container of gravy, for a “unique take on the festive flavours you love”.
Sounds a bit weird. It has upset some traditionalists.
I’ll bet: the only thing that should be Christmas dinner-flavoured is Christmas dinner. Actually, it hasn’t riled Christmas traditionalists as much as it has scone traditionalists.
Scone traditionalists? What are they fighting for? Traditional components, in the traditional order.
And what is that, exactly? “It is jam first with clotted cream on top,” according to Cathy Woolcock of the Cornwall Heritage Trust.
Good to know someone is maintaining standards. Unless you’re in Devon, in which case tradition dictates precisely the opposite: clotted cream first, then jam.
When do you put the turkey on? Keep your mouth shut.
Devon, Cornwall – who’s right? No one can say, although more Devonians use the Cornish method (46%) than Cornish use the Devonian (just 10%).
Will the two counties ever settle this question? It seems not. According to some sources, the dispute dates to the 11th century.
Is that true? No. At least it seems unlikely, since the development of the scone – in Scotland – dates to the 16th century, and the cream tea is said to be a 19th-century invention.
I had no idea scones could generate such controversy, high emotion and misinformation. And that’s before you get to pronunciation. Some say scone so that it rhymes with bone, while others rhyme it with gone.
Maybe scones are the most divisive of all the baked goods. The National Trust could probably attest to that; it riled culture warriors as recently as last spring with its scones.
Cream first? Or jam? This time it was about the recipe: the scones in National Trust cafes, it transpired, were vegan-friendly. Tory MP Bill Cash said: “There’s far too much wokery going on at the National Trust; this is just the latest example.”
What did the trust say? It said its scones had been made without butter for many years, in order to accommodate a wide range of dietary requirements.
You know, I’m beginning to come round to the Christmas dinner scone. Sorry, they’re sold out.
Do say: “It’s true what they say – Christmas comes a little stupider every year.”
Don’t say: “Marmite first, then bacon, then ketchup.”
