CANADA HOME AND DRY
To paraphrase one of Chris Rock’s greatest jokes, Will Smith ain’t go crazy last night at the Oscars; Will Smith went Will Smith. Quite the spontaneous contemporary dance routine, though, huh? Remember, kids, violence is never the answer, especially if it’s going to subject everyone to a full week of hot takes, polarised op-eds and memes. Oh Will! How could you! The Fiver is also sad that the incident has instantly become the most famous and notorious on-stage hand-jaw-interface scenario in history, eclipsing that time Jerry Sadowitz took to the stage in Montreal and opened with “I tell you why I hate Canada, half of you speak French, and the other half let them” with predictable consequences. Sadowitz an acquired taste, to be fair.
But that’s not the only reason our thoughts have turned to the Canadians, and seeing you’re asking, yes this does register the maximum 11 on our patented Tenuousconvolutedintro-o-meter™. That’s because on Sunday night, Canada’s men made it to the World Cup finals for the first time since 1986 (which is coincidentally the last time anybody paid any attention to the Academy Awards). John Herdman’s swashbuckling counter-attacking side guaranteed their place in Qatar with a 4-0 rout of Jamaica, the cheese curds and gravy on an already delicious plate of steaming-hot fries that represent wins in Mexico and the USA! USA!! USA!!! as well as that Alphonso Davies goal against Panama, a combination of such speed and grace that it knocks even the work of your Gareth Bales and Mo Salahs into a c0cked straw hat.
Davies is the star man, though most of the plaudits are heading in the direction of Herdman, who already has done more than his bit for Canadian football, having led the women to a couple of bronze-medal finishes at Big Sports Day, setting them on a trajectory that saw them win gold under his former assistant Bev Preistman last year. The men were long overdue a contribution and they’ve finally made it, the win over Jamaica guaranteeing a top-three finish in the Concacaf table. Most likely they’ll be joined later this week by Mexico, for whom a draw in their final match at home against El Salvador will do, and the US, who will make it unless they lose by six goals or more in Costa Rica. Let’s face it, rather like that dust-up at the Oscars, it’s all over bar the shouting (and tweeting, releasing of press statements, candid interviews with Oprah, etc).
QUOTE OF THE DAY
“My dream is to see Ukraine and its people smile again. As long as I have the energy and I’m healthy I’ll never stop” – iconic Dynamo Kyiv manager Mircea Lucescu tells Emanuel Rosu about the shocking first morning of the war in Ukraine, helping players get to Romania and his dream to lead his club again.
MOVING THE GOALPOSTS
The Fiver has a new sister email, folks! It’s a weekly roundup of the wonderful world of women’s football called Moving the Goalposts. You don’t need to be told that it’s going to be smarter and wittier than us – so sign up here. The first edition will come whistling into your inboxes on Wednesday.
FIVER LETTERS
“I would like to thank the Italian national team for joining the Republic O’Ireland’s boycott of the Human Rights World Cup. Such solidarity is so rare in the modern game” – Derek McGee.
“Whoa, whoa! Paul Doyle’s moving on (Friday’s last line)? Mike Dean and Jermain Defoe are retiring? Italy’s out of the HR World Cup? There were always aspects of the Fiver’s STOP FOOTBALL campaign that I supported, but not this. Dare I say it: RESTART FOOTBALL?” – Mike Wilner.
“As the holder of an ‘A’ Level in Government and Politics (1993), I feel eminently qualified to point out to Ian Sharp and 1,056 others (Friday’s Fiver letters) that the British constitution is in fact largely written but it is not codified. Unfortunately, like The Fiver, I have nothing interesting or amusing to say about the football” – Chris Ware (and others).
Send your letters to the.boss@theguardian.com. And you can always tweet The Fiver via @guardian_sport. Today’s winner of our prizeless letter o’ the day is … Mike Wilner.
HARD DON BY
23 March: “The boards of AFCW PLC and the Dons Trust believe that Mark Robinson is the right man to remain as our head coach” – League One strugglers AFC Wimbledon throw their support behind their manager.
28 March: “Head coach Mark Robinson has today parted company with AFC Wimbledon by mutual consent” – the “right man” is clearly someone else.
NEWS, BITS AND BOBS
Max Kucheriavyi hopes his parents in Ukraine are as proud of him as he is they, after scoring the goal that sealed Kelty Hearts’ promotion from Scottish League Two. “I phone them every day just checking up how they are,” he said. “It’s been a very, very hard month … it’s very good just to play, train and try to forget everything.”
Plans that would enable two clubs to qualify for Big Cup based on hi$toric p£rformanc€ and not by their league position are back on the table, baby.
Gareth Southgate is sad that Harry Kane might break England’s goalscoring record in an empty stadium because of the ban on fans caused by the behaviour of some right pieces of work at the Euro Not 2020 final. “That would be hugely unfortunate,” he sniffed. He’s also been chatting about Harry Maguire.
Cristiano Ronaldo, 78, is chuffed to welcome someone older than him back into the Portugal fold for their HRWC playoff against North Macedonia. “The king is back! Look out!” he roared as Pepe, 87, creaked up alongside him at training.
Meanwhile, Wayne Rooney has been flapping his gums in revelatory style, confiding that Ronaldo was “good and so [effing] annoying”, Rio Ferdinand is “arrogant”, and he quite fancies managing Manchester United. More as we get it!
And in case you missed it, Wrexham came back from 5-2 down to beat Dover 6-5 with a 98th minute winner in a Non-League Day classic. “Bury me in Wales,” yelped co-owner Ryan Reynolds.
Football.#WxmAFC pic.twitter.com/xX8QWeiOWL
— Wrexham AFC (@Wrexham_AFC) March 28, 2022
RECOMMENDED LISTENING
Treat your ears to the latest Football Weekly podcast.
STILL WANT MORE?
Get your WSL talking points, right here.
The one that got away? David Hytner on Wilfried Zaha potentially becoming the first former England player to face them when Ivory Coast visit Wembley on Tuesday.
Cigars and showmen: the summer of 1970 changed English football punditry, writes Jon Spurling.
Once he has given up his nutmegs, extravagant gestures and no-look yellow cards, Mike Dean could be the man to fix VAR, peeps Barry Glendenning.
Stepladders and sanitiser: Colin McPherson has taken some belting photos over the past two years to chronicle how non-league has battled on despite Covid.
Liverpool could cope without Mo Salah, writes Jonathan Wilson, who has also penned this fascinating piece on what isolation means for Russian football.
And Milan’s Fikayo Tomori gets his chat on with Nicky Bandini on how Italian football reminds him of NFL, among other things.
And if it’s your thing … you can follow Big Website on Big Social FaceSpace. And INSTACHAT, TOO!
