If you could sum up the 2023 Champions League final in one word, it would be… rubbish. City 1-0 Inter. No excitement, no real jeopardy.
Let's face it, the previous season's final wasn't great. And it wasn't just the horrible scenes outside the stadium, while Camilla Cabello continued obliviously, bashing through a medley of Latin pop like there was no tomorrow. It just wasn't a good game of football, either.
For the most part, the game was a contest of two heavyweight fighters tiptoeing around each other, assessing how best to land a blow without exposing their face. In the Benzema vs Salah clash, Thibaut Courtois snatched Man of the Match.
Most finals play out that way. The 2021 edition between Chelsea and Manchester City was basically the same, with an added Pep Guardiola overthink. The 2020 final saw Bayern Munich do the same thing to PSG, via Kingsley Coman. Even internationally, the two most recent Euros finals – men's and women's – have been tight, lifeless affairs won by margins.
Given that the quality of the Champions League and the prize at stake has ballooned to such ridiculous proportions, it's to be expected that two teams in the biggest match of their lives will seek not to lose the fight rather than win it. And that's fine. Really. But ask yourself this: when was the last great Champions League final?
Now consider how many two-legged ties in recent seasons have become instant classics for the abandon and ambition that the final has sorely lacked for years. Every tie of Real Madrid's journey to the final was bonkers and brilliant, while the 2019 final felt like a damp squib compared to Tottenham beating Ajax and Liverpool beating Barcelona to get there.
Whether it's Inter Milan's semi-final victory over Barcelona with Jose Mourinho making a beast of himself, Barcelona's over Chelsea with Andres Iniesta celebrating in his yellow vest or Robert Lewandowski ripping Real Madrid apart for Borussia Dortmund, actually, some of the best memories are made across two games rather than one. And that's just the final four: what about Ajax beating Real Madrid, Liverpool's clash with City or City's with Tottenham?
We all want to see the best two teams in Europe slogging it out in the final – but looking back over the years, it's only a really intriguing match if there's a distinct gulf in quality. That's becoming rarer and rarer in the club game: so while it still suffices for an international tournament, it's not particularly suited to a post-Super League era where a good six to eight teams are on a level with one another, either tactically or technically.
It's a hard sell to get rid of the final, admittedly. The Champions League final is an occasion, an event for the calendar and "that night in Barcelona" isn't the same if it's just another rainy evening in Salford. UEFA love that their premier competition comes down to just a 90-minute gunsling in whichever city their delegates descend upon – and fans love the long weekend to a (hopefully) sunnier corner of the continent to see their side lift the ultimate prize.
But two-legged finals have a history with European football, from the UEFA Cup to the Cup Winners' Cup. Two lots of 90 minutes make a tie feel a little more reckless; a little more like fans can influence their half of the match (because let's face it, no UEFA final has been about the fans for years).
This is an argument being made to deaf ears. If anything, UEFA would rather move in the opposite direction, with talk of semi-finals and the final all becoming part of a mini-tournament staged in a particular country, in a week-long festival of football with even more marketing opportunities.
Maybe it's time to consider the biggest game in club football, though. Because as huge as it is, as epic and dramatic as UEFA would like to pretend it can be, it ain't half bloody boring, isn't it?
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