It could have only ended this way. Traitor Alan Carr, a very obvious Traitor, who on multiple occasions almost admitted to the others he was a Traitor, is blubbing in a white suit with gold sequins. He has won the first-ever series of Celebrity Traitors, an exercise in celebrities and TV intellectuals showing that money, books and jobs in the media (!) do not make an intuitive or remotely switched-on being. The remaining two Faithful in that deciding round of banishing – David Olusoga and Nick Mohammed – are coo-cooing at Carr to calm him, soundtracked by the heartbreaking tones of Ludovico Einaudi. Just moments ago, they voted out the most obvious Faithful in the game, Joe Marler. It’s a ridiculous scene to end a ridiculous series full of hopeless people – and we have loved every minute of it.
Our not-so-cunning finalists were the Traitors, Cat Burns and Carr and the Faithfuls, Marler, Olusoga and Mohammed. To catch up on all the previous eight episodes, all you need to know is that the Faithful have been abysmal at their one job, mindbogglingly out of touch with their surroundings and the subtle workings of other people. “I made some friends in here; I’m starting to feel quite sad murdering them,” says Burns in the opening interviews of this finale, and it’s possibly true. She has, after all, been on a killing spree. The only Traitor to not make it to the finale is Jonathan Ross, who had to get voted out a couple of episodes ago because, despite being a great liar, he emanates pure evil.
