Joanne goes for the Leigh-Anne angle, as espoused by the soon to be dead Professor Hannah Fry. It catches fire astonishingly well. Meanwhile James Blunt clears his throat and then very confidently gets it completely wrong, suggesting that Hannah was recruited.
I really wish that these people had all seen yesterday’s episode. This would be so much easier for them if they had.
Joanne suspects Ross. Romesh backs up Ross. Richard guns for Julie. This is chaotic, especially when they confronted with a man who LITERALLY SAID HE WAS A TRAITOR.
King Kenny throws James Blunt under the bus as the instigator of the Julie conspiracy. Lycett backs her up, though. And then Julie shifts the blame onto Richard, and gives a perfectly watertight argument. Two things from this. First, I still want Julie to be my best friend. Second, they cannot possibly vote for anyone else, can they?
King Kenny goes first, asking Julie if she’s a traitor. She denies it, so that’s that then.
And now the first roundtable of the series. Joe Lycett points out that nobody has ever got a traitor out on their first attempt, and surely they’ve got a sitter of an opportunity here.
The OG traitors bunker down and decide that they’re going to save Richard no matter what. Meanwhile, James Acaster seems fully up for binning him off to save his skin, which is extremely dastardly of him.
Bella, so good at this usually, starts to suspect Sebastian, who they know as Bash. Bash says that Bella would know if he was a traitor. At least I think that’s what he said, given that he speaks exclusively in an impenetrable sloaney vocal fry.
There are peacocks and plinky-plonk music, which can only mean it’s time for some speculative smalltalk. Everyone tells Ross Kemp what a powerhouse of a gravedigger he is. Myha’la tries to eat more lettuce than she is able to accomodate. Everyone latches onto the theory that Leigh-Anne is a traitor. Could Richard E Grant be safe? Could he?
Shoutout to commenter Munichmutterings, who just compared my liveblog to Ross Kemp. This is because we’re both bald, isn’t it? Discriminitory.
The contestants are out and collectively banking money. They’re doing very well, but Professor Hannah Fry’s chances of being murdered tonight have absolutely skyrocketed. This makes me very sad because, as I said last night, all I want is for her to notice this liveblog and offer to pierce a part of my body.
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Miranda gets dug up, and briefly sports a mud moustache that makes her look like Hitler. Please, the BBC, let me use this as an image next week.
They have decided to try and dog everyone up, because they would rather be seen to be team players than desperate money chasers. But that does mean that Jerry and Hannah might be the only people up for murder later. For the record, let it be known that I hate being so into this.
Ross Kemp is a very enthusiastic digger. He’s running around grunting and gurning, digging up James Blunt for his military experience of… exhuming corpses? I don’t know.
The contestants climb into their graves and literally get buried. Ross and his partner Romesh now have to decide who, if anyone, they want to dig up. Jerry Hall instantly decides she can’t hack it, and gets pulled out, which means both she and Professor Hannah Fry are up for murder tonight.
Ross Kemp isn’t going to be buried, because James Acaster chose him last night for very strategic reasons. And it has worked, because Ross Kemp is already having a paranoid meltdown about it. James Acaster: traitor extraordinare, it turns out.
The mission: there are some graves, and some of them are gold. People will have to dig up the gold, but not until they’re all buried together. Except for one player, chosen by the traitors, who won’t be buried but have a key and OH MY GOD THIS IS SO POINTLESSLY COMPLICATED. YOU’RE LITERALLY GETTING SOME STUFF OUT OF A THING. NOW THERE’S A CODEWORD. JESUS CHRIST.
Mission time now, which will be brilliant news for anyone who loves watching people getting stuff out of things. Alternatively, if any of you have any ingrown toenails, not might be the time to start digging it out. I’ll tell you when anything fun happens.
Joe Lycett is pushing hard to get everyone to vote for Richard. A weirdly large amount of people are pushing back. I’m putting this down to the fact that they aren’t watching the televised version of the show like I am. I would be SO GREAT at The Traitors if I got to watch the show while I was playing it.
Bella has asked Richard directly about his weird slip yesterday, and then stares DEEP INTO HIS SOUL when he blusters out a word salad of an answer. Bella is going to be great at this, isn’t she?
During the corridor smalltalk, Julie corners James Acaster and immediately asks him if he’s been recruited. James responds by stammering, grimacing and developing a flopsweat. I’m starting to think that this might be the worst collection of traitors ever.
In comes Claudia, in a tank top, to pretend that the traitors are evil purely because they played the game according to her specific instructions. She then tells everyone to get into pairs for the mission.
They’ve all twigged that Amol is dead. Julie promises to avenge his death. But now Maya is talking about his career. Will this torture never end?
More importantly, James Acaster is a traitor now. Poor James. He hates being a traitor and this will go badly.
Back to last night, where the traitors are deciding whether to kill James Acaster or Amol Rajan. And… IT’S AMOL. Poor Amol. I’ll miss him. And I’m sure he’ll talk about his career, to anyone, at length, if we just ask him nicely.
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Whoever doesn’t come in next is dead. Whoever does come in, and isn’t Bella Ramsey, is a traitor. It’s FLASHBACK TIME.
Almost everyone else is here now. Ross Kemp points at some toast, because he thought he was toast. Or brown bread. Or a soldier. Weirdly bread-themed, Ross Kemp. Won’t be able to unsee that now.
Uh oh. Professor Hannah Fry has suspicions about Leigh-Anne, because she put make-up on quite late at night. Add this to Ross Kemp’s total panic about Leigh-Anne touching him yesterday, and she’s starting to look in danger.
We shall find out who was murdered via the traditional method of breakfast. A clutch of contestants come in – including Maya Jama, who has come today dressed as Mister Snuffalufagus from Sesame Street – and immediately start talking about what a panicky wuss Ross Kemp is.
Right, we’re off! Here’s the recap. Bragging, churches, coffins, Richard E Grant shooting himself in the face.
Hang on, I’m basically liveblogging yesterday’s liveblog, aren’t I? What a professional low this is.
I preempted the start of last night’s episode far too early, so let me play it safe and announce that tonight’s episode of The Celebrity Traitors will begin after about three million adverts for other BBC shows. Any minute now, gang.
Just one last thing. They should call the shields medals, because they’re small pieces of metal on a chain, and that is LITERALLY WHAT MEDALS ARE. Calling them shields is stupid, because imagine trying to defend yourself with one of them if someone came at you with a sword. You would be dead in a microsecond, wouldn’t you.
In other words, I am right, you are wrong and The Traitors should start calling them medals because that’s what I’m going to do just to spite everyone.
Before the show starts, here’s a standalone piece I wrote today about Richard E Grant and the predicament he now finds himself in.
Now, before the show begins, let’s go through the standings of all the contestants so far.
Richard E. Grant – TRAITOR. Having a lovely time, despite clearly exhausting everyone around him all the time.
Maya Jama – TRAITOR. And potentially a good one, once she stops having to fuss around Richard like the mother of a toddler during a trip to a mousetrap demonstration showroom
James Acaster – FAITHFUL FOR NOW. But probably a traitor by 8:05, which could get quite messy.
Amol Rajan – FAITHFUL FOR NOW. But surely dead by 8:05, if only as a mercy to stop him telling everyone how famous he is.
Julie Hesmondhalgh – FAITHFUL. Soon to be recruited, by me, as my new best friend.
Ross Kemp – FAITHFUL. The most paranoid man ever to have been born. Two innocuous interactions away from locking himself in the attic.
Bella Ramsey – FAITHFUL. Put a hat on Ross Kemp. This was of great significance to Ross Kemp and Ross Kemp alone.
Leigh-Anne Pinnock – FAITHFUL. Touched Ross Kemp on the arm. This, according to Ross Kemp, is roughly the equivalent of slitting his throat.
Sharon Rooney – FAITHFUL. Lost in the edit a bit last night, but what we did see showed signs of immense promise.
Jerry Hall – FAITHFUL. Convinced that Richard E Grant isn’t a traitor, even though he told everyone that he was. So profoundly wrong about every single thing on Earth that I will use her as the baseline to my moral compass going forward.
James Blunt – FAITHFUL. Lives for the missions, doesn’t he, this one? Can’t trust a man who lives for the worst parts of the show.
Professor Hannah Fry – FAITHFUL. Once shook my hand and immediately said “OH WEIRD YOUR HANDS ARE SO SOFT” so I’ve decided to root against her purely on this basis.
Joanne McNally – FAITHFUL. Lost in the edit a bit, to be honest.
Miranda Hart – FAITHFUL. Same, really.
Joe Lycett – FAITHFUL. Threatened to unfollow me on Instagram yesterday. That shield’s gone to his head if you ask me.
King Kenny – FAITHFUL. Described himself last night as an undefeated professional boxer. I just checked Wikipedia and it says he was actually defeated quite a lot. Not to be trusted.
Sebastian Croft – FAITHFUL. Also lost in the edit last night, although he has hinted that this might actually be his strategy.
Michael Sheen – FAITHFUL. Lost in the edit as well, which is a bizarre and stupid thing to do to Michael Sheen.
Myha’la – FAITHFUL. A Rooneyesque wiliness on display here. Let’s assume she’ll go far.
Rob Beckett – FAITHFUL. Almost certainly going to fall out with his best friend Romesh in the next few episodes.
Romesh Ranganathan – FAITHFUL. See above.
So, a quick recap of last night’s episode. Everyone met in a church and Julie Hesmondhalgh giggled at everyone. Claudia Winkleman climbed out of a coffin and gave SHIELDS (not MEDALS) to herself and Joe Lycett.
Claudia picked Maya Jama and Richard E Grant to be traitors, and Richard E Grant blew it instantaneously by telling everyone that he was a traitor. Then there was a long and pointless mission on an exploding boat, during which someone put a hat on Ross Kemp, which caused him to to react like someone had just doused him in baby spiders.
Then the traitors were told to recruit one person and murder another. Amol Rajan and James Acaster were brought in front of Richard and Maya and told to beg for their lives. James Acaster made a good case about his ability to protect Richard, while Amol Rajan waffled on about his job for a bit. They were both put in coffins. One lid closed. But whose coffin was it?
I mean, it’s obviously Amol, right? Right?
Hello 100% hundies, and welcome to The Guardian’s liveblog of The Celebrity Traitors, episode two. Last night was a humdinger of an opener, with 40 minutes of a very good television crammed between 25 minutes of abject filler.
We know who the traitors are. We know that one of them is a complete liability, and the other one basically has to be his carer for the remainder of the series. We know that paranoia is rife, that a murder is imminent and that I caught a load of crap last night for referring to the shields as medals.
Tonight, things should ramp up even further. By 9pm we will definitely have a dead contestant and a new traitor, and with any luck we’ll get to see Richard E Grant fight for his life around the round table.
Last night your comments were all lovely – and surprisingly global! – and helped keep me afloat. More of the same tonight would be wonderful. See you at 8pm.
