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Melissa

The Bachelors Finale Recap: And They All Dry-Humped Happily Ever After

Abigail Felix Damien Thomas Alesia Angela

Normally I’m all, “after 84 years it’s finally The Bachelors finale” with these things, but not tonight fuckos! This show felt like the cocaine of reality TV in its 2023 iteration – the episodes were fast and loose, and now it’s suddenly over. We were all collectively in a public toilet genuinely happy to lick more off the wee-coated toot seat, weren’t we. That disturbing analogy over, let’s kick off. I’m doing this in real time so the coke energy is REAL. Except I’m not on coke I’m drinking a little choccy Milo and waiting for bedtime, which is normally 9pm so this show is rudely keeping me awake. We open with Thomas saying he’s quite confident he’s found his soulmate and doing positive affirmations over his engagement ring.

the bachelors finale — *charges ring under light of full moon*

the bachelors finale — right now beb I just want the hair to stay flat

the bachelors finale — are we just gonna pretend you didn’t cheat on me w/ the entirety of sydney

the bachelors finale — STFU

The Little Mermaid

the bachelors — Life is better under the sea, babe

the bachelors — Sorry I have to dump you for the influencer opportunity

the bachelors — I am consciously disappointed in you

the bachelors — BRO TIME! ENGAGEMENT BRO TIME!

Bachelor

the bachelors — honestly, thomas was it? Kinda forgot your name anyway

the bachelors — Let’s get married despite me not even knowing your middle name

the bachelors — oh cool about to get my heart ripped out on national tv

the bachelors — SORRY WHAT THE FUCK

The Bachelors

the bachelors — I must do it, even though you don’t want me to and it is really fucking disrespectful to ignore your wishes

the bachelors — DO NOT DO IT. DO NOT.

Reject me and my heart will break into a million pieces and I’ll write sooo many bad breakup songs about u

the bachelors — aaaaaaa-aaaah, aaaa-aaaaah ah ah AAAAAAHHHHH (you know the tune don’t lie)

Felix mate, stare up at the sky like there’s drama occurring

This old thing? $2.99 from Kmart

The bachelors — Forgot these two had a connection with all those conscious convos.

I’m… happy for you?

Melissa is a freelance writer. You can find her on Instagram and TikTok.

The post The Bachelors Finale Recap: And They All Dry-Humped Happily Ever After appeared first on PEDESTRIAN.TV .

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