The Bachelors Finale Recap: And They All Dry-Humped Happily Ever After

Normally I’m all, “after 84 years it’s finally The Bachelors finale” with these things, but not tonight fuckos! This show felt like the cocaine of reality TV in its 2023 iteration – the episodes were fast and loose, and now it’s suddenly over. We were all collectively in a public toilet genuinely happy to lick more off the wee-coated toot seat, weren’t we. That disturbing analogy over, let’s kick off. I’m doing this in real time so the coke energy is REAL. Except I’m not on coke I’m drinking a little choccy Milo and waiting for bedtime, which is normally 9pm so this show is rudely keeping me awake. We open with Thomas saying he’s quite confident he’s found his soulmate and doing positive affirmations over his engagement ring.

*charges ring under light of full moon*