The Bachelors Finale Recap: And They All Dry-Humped Happily Ever After

Normally I’m all, “after 84 years it’s finally The Bachelors finale” with these things, but not tonight fuckos! This show felt like the cocaine of reality TV in its 2023 iteration – the episodes were fast and loose, and now it’s suddenly over. We were all collectively in a public toilet genuinely happy to lick more off the wee-coated toot seat, weren’t we. That disturbing analogy over, let’s kick off. I’m doing this in real time so the coke energy is REAL. Except I’m not on coke I’m drinking a little choccy Milo and waiting for bedtime, which is normally 9pm so this show is rudely keeping me awake. We open with Thomas saying he’s quite confident he’s found his soulmate and doing positive affirmations over his engagement ring.

*charges ring under light of full moon*

right now beb I just want the hair to stay flat

are we just gonna pretend you didn’t cheat on me w/ the entirety of sydney

STFU

The Little Mermaid

Life is better under the sea, babe

Sorry I have to dump you for the influencer opportunity

I am consciously disappointed in you

BRO TIME! ENGAGEMENT BRO TIME!

Bachelor

honestly, thomas was it? Kinda forgot your name anyway

Let’s get married despite me not even knowing your middle name

oh cool about to get my heart ripped out on national tv

SORRY WHAT THE FUCK

The Bachelors

I must do it, even though you don’t want me to and it is really fucking disrespectful to ignore your wishes

DO NOT DO IT. DO NOT.

Reject me and my heart will break into a million pieces and I’ll write sooo many bad breakup songs about u

aaaaaaa-aaaah, aaaa-aaaaah ah ah AAAAAAHHHHH (you know the tune don’t lie)

Felix mate, stare up at the sky like there’s drama occurring

This old thing? $2.99 from Kmart

Forgot these two had a connection with all those conscious convos.

I’m… happy for you?

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Felix meanwhile is shitting bricks because he’s super unsure. I assume about Jess and whether picking her is going to be a big humiliating embarro for him because she may or may not be playing him and secretly just with Damien exclusively this whole time. The BOIZZZZ come together for a big hug and bro-chat, which is mainly just “so tough, super tough” “so nervous” and “big decision” repeated over and over. Then Osher leaps out of the rose bushes to continue this “so tough” “so nervous” on and ON AND ON JUST GET TO THE PROPOSALS. Felix tells Osher that Abigail is the perfect person to meet the parents. Sounds super into her, lol. “Here is the perfect woman to meet parents”. I hate everything about Felix’s choices here. He’s either choosing Jess, probably because he wants to “win” against Conscious Conversations Damien, or Abigail, his “she’ll do” girl. FYI for what it’s worth Abigail seems heaps funny and smart so I double-hate how she’s being portrayed here. Sweet, innocent Gondoleah has a chat with Alesia, saying she’s in love and also that she’s got a really itchy forehead thanks to these hairclips to keep her curls from going psycho in the humidity before showtime. Meanwhile, Alesia doesn’t feel like Jed’ll propose because she’s repeatedly, REPEATEDLY told him she’s not ready for a proposal because she’s FUCKING NORMAL and barely knows the guy. Abigail and Jess have theeee most awkward convo, like when you have to talk to your ex at some dinner party and actually just want to kick them in the balls. She’s basically calling Jess on her shit, because now Jess has decided at the absolute last second that she wants a monogamous relationship. TBF I’d be pissed, too. Way to conveniently make up your mind in the very last episode, as your Instagram following skyrockets, beb. Jess is like: They end things VERY frostily, with Abigail basically saying Jess sucks and Jess being like “well that’s your truth”. Jess pops back to her villa only to be told that Damien’s around the corner loitering in a conscious way. When she sees him Jess fully breaks down, like SOBBING, like it’s not funny it’s actually really upsetting and because I’m now a weak bitch after weaning off my anti-depressants, I start crying. Yay, feelings. Damien just pats her consciously and hugs her consciously and maybe the big necklace he wears all the time has secret powers of control like the seashell in ? He says all these totally bizarro cult leader lines like “I want you to speak your truth” and “I want to hold space for you” WHO IS THIS GUY. She’s like look, sorry, you deserve someone who is all in and I’m gonna bail on your for Felix and our future sponsorship opportunities as a couple. She says she wants to explore the potential with Felix. Conscious Damien is feeling very un-conscious now. Jk jk he’s actually really good about it – say what you want about this guy coz he is deffo not my cup of conscious tea but he really respects Jess and is like, I just want you to be happy and I hope when you see Felix he picks you. Another tropical oasis setting, another bro hug. Side note, this  location is LUSH. Anyway oh my fucking god, poor old “Lauren” got like 0.0002 seconds of airtime in this finale. Thomas is literally like, I met my soulmate but first gotta say bye to this other lady I barely know, see ya lady. Truly it’s over in seconds. Then it’s time for Gondoleah and Thomas to get engaged which is fucking unhinged but fine, whatever, they seem happy. Although I will say they still greet each other weirdly like “Hello!” as if you’re at a work convention. Also, her reaction to him going down on one knee was “weeeeooooowwwwwwww” ahahahah. But sure, let’s believe in their love for at least a few weeks. I also forgot these people HAVEN’T EVEN BONED AHAHAHAHA Thomas tells the producers the first thing they’re excited to do is fuck. I cannot. Over to Jed, and we’re preparing to watch Angela get rejected because we knowwww it’s going to be Alesia with the ring rejecting the engagement. Jed’s hanging in the church looking pensive when she walks in, and he asks her to sit in the pew which is deffo not how you get proposed to and Ange knows it. Jed makes their break up SO COMPLICATED OMG. Just let the girl down firmly and cleanly, man! He’s banging on about his travel schedule and shit, and she’s like: She calls him on his shit (I love this modern ) and is like, sorry didn’t you tell me you were in love with me literally days ago? And he’s all, sorry babe not rly. Afterward she says she feels like a “cockhead” which is glorious. Gorgeous phrasing. We love Angela. So Jed tells us he’d, for some reason, regret it for the rest of his life if he didn’t propose to Alesia DESPITE HER SPECIFICALLY ASKING HIM NOT TO. Of course he fucking does it. It’s all cute and lovely and him telling her he hates ice skating, and her laughing, and them being in love, and then BAM! Even though she’s glaring at him not to, he gets down on one knee. She’s taken aback and not in a good way, of course. But he redeems himself, I think the proposal was a showy producer thing and he ends up giving her the ring as a promise ring more than an engagement ring. Which is kind of sweet, I guess. And not wasteful!!! Flog that ring babe! Anyway they’re happy, all is well. Over to Felix, and we’ve got Jess getting the Evil Ursula When She’s A Sexy Human Lady edit, which is fitting given Damien is maybe mind-controlling her with his big necklace. So we assume Jess is getting it, right? She walks in first and then the producers are like NO JESS! DRONE!!!! There’s this whole bit where a fucking paparrazzi drone is zooming around the location and Jess gets whisked off to a hut, then next thing we know Abigail is OF COURSE walking out and getting rejected by Felix for being Too Perfect and Too Wifey. Also sorry did they just sew Christmas rope onto her dress and call it a day? Anyway she’s off. Bye Abigail. Enter Jess. She gets the creepy Ursula music and the eerie evening setup, but at first it’s all pretty cute and they seem to genuinely really like each other. It all works out, sort of – they still get the weird evil music so it’s kind of like watching Prince Eric almost-marry Evil Ursula but whatever. Felix says “kiss me like you’re single” which is the grossest pre-kiss sentence I’ve ever heard. I have low hopes for these two lasting lol. But yes, they’re together (for now) as a monogamous couple. MONOGAMY WINS AGAIN. Yucko can we have an actually positive poly story next season? Maybe just make it Poly Bachie. Welp, that was fun. Can’t wait for the breakup posts to roll on out. Til next year, friends.