For many people who want to add a pinch of kink into their sex lives, the first addition to the bedroom is often a pair of pink, fluffy handcuffs. But if you ask Abbie Chatfield, they’re an absolute sex travesty.
“Sorry, but the pink fluffy handcuffs need to actually stop. They’re revolting,” Abbie tells PEDESTRIAN.TV.
In fact, the old-school bedroom accessory was part of the reason the FBoy Island Australia host’s collaboration with sex toy brand Normal resulted in the most luxurious, elevated, sexy little kit of kink toys I’ve ever seen.
“It was an aversion to those pink, fluffy handcuffs but also the lack of safety. I’ve heard horror stories of people breaking their wrists from those shitty handcuffs, or not being able to get them off and being attached to a bed if you can’t find the fucking key,” Abbie explains.
Misconceptions of kink
Handcuffs aside, there were a bunch of reasons why Abbie — along with sexologist Georgia Grace and Normal founder Lucy Wark — decided to launch the Kink Kit, a collection of toys to use in the bedroom to stimulate your senses and connect with the spicier side of your sexuality.
It’s a fun, exciting release that feels just right for the long-awaited era of kink acceptance we’re in today. Although kink-shaming feels like it’s at an all-time low in 2024, there’s still a lot of misunderstanding surrounding kink play, BDSM and how to engage with it properly and safely — especially due to the limited depictions of it we see in popular media and porn.
It’s something that Abbie hopes some frank conversation about kink will help to correct.
“To start with, kink is just BDSM,” she says.
“I think the misconception is that all kink involves pain and is therefore scary. And, as someone who doesn’t love a lot of pain, that’s not the case at all.”
Another big misconception is that people who take on a submissive role during kink play relinquish all control.
“I’m a chronic fucking sub. Like, I cannot do anything else and when I’ve tried it’s been so embarrassing,” Abbie shares.
“I think there’s a misconception that if you’re a sub, you’re just kind of doing what the dom wants.
“In reality, whoever is dominant in the situation is meant to be taking care of you and doing things that you desire. You are actually in control because you’re the one who has set the boundaries.”
Communication (it’s key!!!)
In the BDSM community, there are four value pillars: Communication, Respect, Honesty and Trust. While these are all things that should be present in any intimate relationship, it’s even more important during kink play when partners are showing an extra layer of vulnerability with each other.
“Communication can be very fucking hard,” the It’s A Lot podcast host admits.
“It’s even hard for me to do with a loving partner and as someone who literally sells butt plugs and kink kits. But I think it’s important to learn how to communicate with your partner about what you actually like and explore it and look into it together. “
Her advice? Get a drink or have dinner, and use these spicy conversations about your fantasy as foreplay, rather than waiting until you’re about to get down and dirty.
“It’s better to have a conversation over drinks or dinner at home rather than when you’re about to have sex because that increases the chance of embarrassment or something going wrong or communication going awry because you’re in the moment,” she says.
“Let it be part of the foreplay! You get this anticipation and excitement for it. It’s hot.”
Don’t get me wrong, communication shouldn’t only be an outside-of-the-bedroom kind of thing. Especially when it comes to engaging in not-so-vanilla play, the lines of communication and consent should be open and clear.
But sadly, this isn’t the message that young people are getting from popular media. Over the last couple of years, choking without consent has been becoming more and more common. Choking — or sexual asphyxiation — is not without risk and can have serious consequences if done incorrectly. However, many believe that choking is just another risk-free move to add to the sexual repertoire, akin to a missionary or reverse cowgirl. In reality, it’s a form of kink play and must be discussed and only done after clear consent is given.
It’s one of the reasons Abbie and the team at Normal have put so much of a focus on the importance of communication and education when engaging in any form of BDSM.
“The choking thing is a big issue, not as itself, as part of a huge issue, with young men especially,” Abbie explains.
“When I was single, I would sleep with people and men would just choke me without consent or just start to put their hand around my neck without consent. I think that leads into a big conversation around men in cis, heterosexual relationships not understanding the context of being a woman and having basically someone you’ve just met or barely know, a man, put their hands around your neck.
“It’s concerning seeing how normalised it has become in pop culture, hearing friends’ stories, or in the past, having men smack my face without consent or choke me without consent. When you’re in those scenarios it’s like, you have to explain, ‘I didn’t mind you choking me just then, but the issue is still that you’re choking a virtual stranger’.”
Thankfully, if you’re into getting choked in bed, there are safe ways to do it. (Hint: It’s not about cutting off the airway, it’s about restricting blood flow. Give it a Google if you’re unsure!)
“If I do get choked by Adam — firstly, he’ll do it the right way because, King… strong guitar hands,” she says with a laugh.
“But he will even ask me every single time, ‘Does that feel good? Do you like that? Do you want more? Do you want less?’ That is still dominant. Being dominant isn’t using someone’s body for how you want to use someone’s body. It requires so much trust.”
If you want to give the Normal Kink Kit a go, you can pick one up HERE.
The post The 3 Biggest Misconceptions Around Kink & Bondage, According To Abbie Chatfield appeared first on PEDESTRIAN.TV .
