While we might think of this time of year as ‘merry and bright’, when it comes to family, the festive season isn’t always full of cheer.
Spending more time with your relatives than normal can often be a recipe for squabbles – and not just over who’s getting the last ‘purple one’. Tension can soar as bad feelings come to the surface and then to the boil. From old resentments to difficult dynamics, here’s how to weather seasonal storms at home during the festive season.
Learn from the past
Still reeling from when the in-laws got in a mood about where you spent the big day or how friends made you feel bad for leaving the buffet early? You can actually try to avoid these tense moments from arising – here's how.
Make a plan
Think about how you want things to go, such as divvying up Christmas tasks, then email or text a plan – so it’s there in black and white. "That way, people know what’s expected – for example, do they need to bring food, who’s doing what," says Dee Holmes, clinical services manager at Relate. Allow for flexibility, though, as guests may need to take medication or rest at certain times.
Put resentments aside
"Memories are longest where relationships are deepest. So your seemingly fun family gathering may camouflage all kinds of trouble. What’s best is to broker a truce ahead of the celebrations – putting issues on the table may initially raise hackles, but in the end bring resolution,’ says Woman’s sex and relationship expert Susan Quilliam.
If not, keep warring sides apart in a series of separate, smaller celebrations, or keep them at opposite ends of the room and keep alcohol to a minimum. Most importantly, if you are one of the battling parties, let this time of year be your motivation to make peace.
Set boundaries
If you have previous experience of gatherings going sour, set boundaries. "Establishing our needs is the first step in identifying our boundaries and then communicating them," explains psychotherapist Mark Vahrmeyer from Brighton and Hove Psychotherapy.
For example, it’s OK to ask guests with fussy children to bring their own food and in-laws to fix their drinks.
Survive the present
Already feel like you’re going to explode? If someone or something is getting on your nerves, follow these steps.
Find an ally
Discuss concerns with your partner or a close family member, as they can act as a buffer between you and difficult relatives. "Asking them to support you in steering conflictual remarks or topics of conversation onto safer ground can be a helpful approach,’ says Mark. A subtle moan in a trusted person’s ear, or texting a friend, can alleviate frustration.
Show compassion
"Given differences in earnings or success, those who’ve done well may end up bragging at family gatherings, while those less fortunate, perhaps after a job loss or relationship break-up, may feel resentful. To manage the dynamic before it gets toxic, reward the successful by congratulating them on the new car or recent promotion," says Susan.
But give extra support to family members who are feeling low. If you yourself are in that position, it’s best to sidestep the status game – after all, this time next year, life may have given you a different throw of the dice.
Put down the booze
Christmas disagreements are often fuelled by alcohol. "A mix of characters, with a dose of alcohol thrown in, can become a rather volatile mix," adds Mark.
Keep an eye on how much you drink – particularly if you’re more triggered after a few glasses of eggnog.
Protect your future
How you respond to fall-outs could influence future relationships. Accept that these things happen and follow these steps.
Be the bigger person
In potentially explosive situations, backing down isn’t a sign of weakness, but a show of strength. "Remain calm and focus on how to spend the rest of the festivities once the people in question are out of your hair," says Mark.
Master tolerance
"If and when conflict does arise, the most important thing is to wrap ourselves in kindness," says Lucy. "Relationships are complex, arguments – especially between family members – are hugely common."
Being related to someone doesn’t mean you like them; you might just have to tolerate them for a short period and show the same respect you’d like them to show you.
Offer an olive branch
Don’t let feelings fester. "Match the size of the sorry to the size of the conflict," says Mark.
"If you were a bit grumpy because you felt put upon, acknowledge that perhaps you weren’t the best company. Then add that maybe you need to consider not 'biting off more than you can chew' next year, paving the way for future boundaries." However, if you did or said something hurtful, apologise and apologise well.
This article first appeared in December 2024 in our sister magazine, woman. Buy a copy or subscribe today.
