Watching your child grow up should be one of the happiest and most fulfilling experiences you can have, but for Kelly Felstead, it had always been tainted. As her son turned four, she was reminded of the horrific abuse she had suffered at the same age and how, more than 25 years on, she was still keeping her pain secret from her family and friends.
Aside from her loving husband, nobody knew how she had been sexually abused by the brother of a family friend in a sickening campaign lasting nearly three years, ending shortly before her seventh birthday. They didn't know how the innocent, happy child still learning about the world around her had been violated two or three times a week by someone she trusted.
And they didn't know how her traumatic memories had continued to haunt Kelly deep into adulthood, with vivid flashbacks pushing her into a mental breakdown and crippling bouts of depression and anxiety. You can read her full heartbreaking account here.
Read more: ‘I was abused as a child and went to police but the justice system failed me'
Driven by feelings of shame and anger, Kelly chose not to reveal what happened to her to those around her, initially fearing that it was her fault and that nobody would believe her, but later, out of a desire to prevent her mum from finding out about it and blaming herself. But it ate away at her, and after her son Thomas's fourth birthday, she knew she finally had to tell someone about it.
"It definitely bothered me for a long time," she said. "I always felt like I wasn't really being truthful with everybody, like I was always hiding something. I definitely wasn't 100% myself because I always knew that I had that secret that I felt I couldn’t tell anyone.
"I knew the effect it would have on my parents, especially my mother, so I didn't know if I should tell them or just keep it to myself. But I just kept looking at my son and how innocent he was and I couldn't stop thinking about all the things that had happened to me. I just thought, how? How can somebody do that to someone at that age, when they are so defenceless and vulnerable?"
In 2018, Kelly decided enough was enough and finally opened up to her family before going to the police. The man was arrested, questioned and bailed a year later, but in September last year, she got the devastating news that the case was not going to be taken to court and her abuser would not be charged.
Despite this disappointment, Kelly then decided to use her ordeal for good, sharing her story with friends and strangers and urging those in the same position to reach out for support. After finally unloading the burden of her past, her life has changed forever and, to her delight, her actions have also changed those of people that she has never met.
Reflecting on the last year, she admitted she still couldn't quite believe the outpouring of love and support she received when she first opened up about the abuse she had endured. Get the latest news from where you live sent straight to your inbox for free by signing up to our newsletter.
"My husband Nick knew about the abuse, I had told him quite early on in our relationship, but other family and friends had no idea," said Kelly. "Everybody was shocked when I told them. People were contacting myself and my mother, they couldn’t believe what I had been through.
"The support I received was unbelievable. Nobody said anything negative to me, which I admit I was a bit afraid of, but I got messages from friends and also people that I didn’t know. People were messaging me with support, and some were even telling me that the same thing had happened to them and not even their husband or anyone in their family knew.
"I just let them know that the police do listen," she added. "It was easy for me to think before I went that they wouldn’t take it seriously or that it happened so long ago that they wouldn’t be interested in it anymore. But they really did believe me and provided a lot of support. So I told these women to go ahead and tell their families and the police because they had nothing to lose, especially after carrying it for so long."
In the months that followed, Kelly began to notice the impact of opening up on her mind and body. "It really lifted me," she added. "I was far more relaxed and happy, and people around me started to notice the difference as well. They could see I was relieved to have finally let go of this secret."
Her recovery has also been boosted by an intensive and innovative form of psychotherapy called Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing (EMDR), which her employer put her forward for. This structured therapy helps patients recover from traumatic events in their lives using a combination of side-to-side eye movements and talk therapy.
Those undergoing EMDR are asked to focus on a troubling memory and identify a belief about themselves that is associated with this memory, before formulating another positive belief about themselves. They then go over this troubling memory while focusing on something, such as a moving finger, that creates these side-to-side eye movements
.
While it may sound unusual, this allows patients to process their trauma with both hemispheres of the brain stimulated, causing the negative images, emotions and beliefs someone might hold to become 'unstuck'. Many patients, like Kelly, come out of the therapy feeling as though their trauma is behind them and no longer of significance.
"I was sceptical at first," she said. "I thought, really, is this going to work? But it was incredible. It’s changed my life in many ways. While it has been great to talk to people and offload stuff, it’s the trauma that had always been there throughout my life, and that is what the EMDR really addressed."
"The first time I noticed it really working was about three weeks into the course of therapy, when I was in the shower," she added. "All my life, I’d always had to check behind the curtain and see if anyone was coming, as that all relates back to a memory from the abuse. But on this occasion, I was in the shower washing my hair, and I stopped and thought to myself that I actually had my back to the shower curtain and I hadn’t checked behind it or anything. That’s when I thought, wow, this is actually working."
While this therapy has understandably been traumatic for Kelly at times, she said that it had caused a "massive shift" in her happiness. Although she still deals with mental health issues on a daily basis, she now has more confidence and has "fully overcome" her trauma. "That side of things doesn’t bother me in the slightest anymore," she said. "It’s been very hard work and obviously incredibly distressing at times, but I am happier now, and so grateful for all the love and support that I’ve received."
And it's not just been Kelly that has seen their life change as a result of her brave decision. Incredibly, more than a year on from her previous interview with WalesOnline being published, she was contacted by someone who read her story and was inspired to confront her own traumatic past.
"A week after that article was published, one woman who I didn’t know messaged me, saying that the same thing had happened to her, and that she hadn’t told anyone about it. Her parents didn’t know, her family didn’t know. There were a lot of similarities with my story, really, she was abused by a family member and was a similar age to what I was when it happened to me.
"She thanked me for being brave and telling my story, and said it had made her realise that she was not on her own. She had always wanted to go to the police about what had happened to her, and seeing what I’d been through had given her the courage to finally do it. I offered my support and encouraged her to go to the police, but then didn’t hear from her again."
However, in October, Kelly received another a message from the woman and was "completely blown away" by what it said. Having wanted to help encourage other people to come forward and share their stories, she was overwhelmed to hear that she had helped change this woman's life.
"She told me that in April she had ‘found her voice’ and told her family and the police and had received lots of support from them and various organisations. She had done some police interviews and updated me on where she was at in the process. At the end of the message, she said that was because of the article that she went to the police. Without reading that, she wouldn’t have done it. I had to sit there for a few minutes and take it in, it was massive for me.
"All I’d ever wanted was to help just one person get their own secret off their chest and go to the police - if I could do that, I’d have felt like my job was done," she added. "So to get that message was incredible, knowing that I’d helped to change that woman’s life. I hope there are others that have found the courage too. It’s incredibly difficult, I know, but the difference it makes to your life is just incredible."
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