My birthday meal last night was great,
I got a free drink from the waiter;
And when I told him I was 53,
He sat me next to the defibrillator…
I wrote that wee poem after “celebrating” yet another birthday last Thursday with the wife & wean at our favourite restaurant.
But you know what? After suggesting I was ready for the knacker’s yard in last week’s column, I suddenly felt like a teenager at the Glasgow Royal Concert Hall on Sunday night.
Yes, folks, Engelbert Humperdinck was in town and I reckon I was the youngest member of the audience by a country mile.
I’ve honestly never seen so many mobility scooters and walking frames in my life. When the bell rang for last orders at the bar, it was like an OAP version of Wacky Races.
I’d bought my tickets way back in September 2019 on the Friday morning they went on sale - and I was down at the box office for 9am to beat the queue.
There was no queue.
Nope, just me and a wee Glasgow wifie who looked as if she may have seen Halley’s Comet three times.
“We must be keen, eh?” I smiled. “The show’s not until May 2020.”
“I know son,” she laughed, “I just hope I f*****g make it!”
Well, the good news is she DID make it. And I was delighted to see her in the foyer on Sunday night - almost two years (thanks to Covid) since the gig was originally scheduled.
(Hope you enjoyed the show, Jessie!)
To be honest, folks, I’m just relieved Engelbert made it. Believe it or not, the veteran crooner - best known for Release Me and The Last Waltz - is now 85 years old.
But you’d never have guessed it as he effortlessly rolled back the years to brilliantly belt out all the classic songs to his adoring audience.
Tell you what, I bet your modern-day pop stars like, ehhh, Peter Andre and East 17 won’t still be going strong at 85.
I’m a lifelong fan of Engelbert Humperdinck. I’ve interviewed him at his house for Radio Scotland, the first song at our wedding was his 1977 US hit After The Lovin’ and (courtesy of my old pal Billy Sloan) I even got a surprise video message from him on our big day.
But he’s not the only global superstar to pass on his best wishes.
Nope, last week I received a lovely wee happy birthday message from none other than… Rod Stewart!
The veteran rocker never misses the Daily Record - he invited me down to the Hydro in 2013 after waxing lyrical about his opening night gig in my column - and, when he read in last Thursday’s paper that it was my birthday, he sent a text to my colleague Keith Jackson.
“Please wish Tam Cowan a happy 53rd birthday. He’s one of my favourite journalists.”
Lovely.
And Keith’s reply? “I’ll let him know. Never heard him described as a journalist before right enough…”
Fair dos, Jacko!
Anyway, folks, to complete a memorable name-dropping hat-trick, my old North Lanarkshire mucker Professor David MacMillan - the man who said winning the 2021 Nobel Prize for chemistry was his pathway to an appearance on Off The Ball - had a private dinner with Sir Alex Ferguson last week.
And guess what? He’s also a big fan of the show!
His verdict on the chubby co-host fae Motherwell?
“Tam Cowan?” he told the Prof. “He’s mad.”
That’ll do for me, Sir Alex. I’m pwoud, vewy pwoud…
PS. Terrified at the thought of turning 53, I think I’ll move to Japan. Well, that’s where the oldest people in the world always seem to live…
The latest was Kane Tanaka from Fukuoka who passed away this week at the age of 119.
Aye, they definitely seem to age a lot slower in the land of the rising sun. I remember watching Japanese wrestling once and - even though the competitors were well into their 40s - they were both still wearing nappies…
PPS. Hello to regular reader Kenny McGurk who says his local undertaker has increased its prices - and they’re blaming it on the cost of living!
Grado might have to wrestle Tam for some dosh
A wee plug for my pal Grado’s Big Family Wrestling Bash at the Glasgow Pavilion on
SaturdayMay 7. Just one question, mate.
Are they accepting cash at the box office or, just like the wrestling, is it 100 per cent contactless? (I’m going to pay with a £15 note and insist it’s not fake...)
Water of strife
Scotland’s Centre for Expertise Waters (nope, me neither) has warned our lochs are rapidly heating up due to climate change.
That’s great news for Nessie hunters, of course, as the old girl might come ashore to cool down.
But I think the warming of the waters is still a LONG way off.
Listen, folks, I went for a quick paddle in Loch Lomond last summer and my willy STILL hasn’t emerged from my kidneys.
Not so Fandabi
Remember last week when I was waxing lyrical about all things Blackpool (apart from my 250-decibel snoring in the motorhome)?
Well, a chef pal got in touch to tell me that, while Blackpool Tower is always an impressive sight, the French have started building a 300ft monument made of custard, jelly, sponge and cream.
They’re calling it the Trifle Tower.
(© The Krankies, 1983)
Read all about it
Hats off to my editor Davie for writing the headline to last Friday’s front page about beleaguered Boris Johnson’s trip to India…
Last Days Of The Radge.
Brilliant!
PS. Do you remember the time when giant apes were trained to play table tennis in Hong Kong and a fight broke out between two competitors in one of the tournaments?
Nope, neither do I.
But apparently the headline in the local paper was King Kong Ding Dong At Hong Kong Ping Pong.
Double lager tops and JD chaser
Alan Souttar - Arbroath fan, firefighter and the 50th best darts player in the world - was a terrific guest on Off The Ball last Saturday.
After the show, he told us that, despite the image of his sport being cleaned up in recent years, he still drinks TEN Jack Daniels & coke before he throws his first dart in a match!
He then presumably looks at the two boards and hopes he hits the right one…
Staying with sport, it’s time for the Player of the Year awards and I can tell you that supporters of all 42 senior clubs in Scotland have voted for St.Johnstone player Shaun Rooney after the big man’s equaliser at Dens Park stopped Mark McGhee from going naked.
Meanwhile, Clyde FC ended their 28-year stint at Broadwood Stadium with a thumping 5-0 home defeat to Airdrie.
As one grumpy Bully Wee fan apparently said on the way out: “I’ll no’ be back!”
My fave funny photos of the week
Waiting for the next wave.
I see Aladdin’s parked like a diddy again.
Hey, it’s Saddam Ant!
If you’re happy and you know it…
I think you’ll find it’s pronounced a ‘bouquet’ of chicken.
Text jokes of the week
-I was playing snooker yesterday with Johnny Depp’s wife. She followed through on the brown.
-It’s been reported that bad drivers face £100 fines. Isn’t that a bit sexist?
-Did you know that ‘muffins’ spelled backwards is what you do when you take them out the oven...?
-It’s only when a mosquito lands on your genitals that you realise there’s always a way to solve a problem without resorting to violence.
-I dropped a tenner yesterday and chased it for miles down the street. I never caught it, but I did get a good run for my money.
-I’m thinking of forming a comedy duo with my dentist. While she does the impressions, I do the gags.
-Popped out for a fag break yesterday and, right above me in the sky, I saw two planes colliding. I don’t think I’m cut out to be an air traffic controller.
-American Civil War jokes? I General Lee don’t find them funny.
-My favourite allergy song for hay-fever season is Blowin’ In The Wind by Peter, Pollen, Mary.
Elong and heavy wallet
Elon Musk has bought Twitter for $44billion which, in British currency, is about the same as a new monthly energy bill.
Flakey news
It was billed as the TV event of the week - Piers Morgan going 12 rounds with Donald Trump. Hang on, I thought they’d banned cock-fighting...?
After it lost power, a P&O ferry - The European Causeway - was left drifting off the coast of Scotland.
Time to take action. Yep, time to re-name this vessel The Jimmy Johnstone.
And finally
I see Miranda Hart’s self-titled sitcom Miranda is set for a return to our TV screens.
Go on, Mr Putin, hit the button…
