Last week, anyone trying to get a straight answer from Boris Johnson was told to wait on the Sue Gray report.
This week, anyone trying to get a straight answer from Boris Johnson was told to wait on the police inquiry.
Next week? Let’s hope anyone trying to get a straight answer from Boris Johnson is told to wait on the prison visiting hours…
The shameless PM is living proof of the old adage that the best parties are the ones you can’t remember - he appears to have forgotten at least 14 boozy bashes held in Downing Street - but I’ll tell you what, dear reader…
The party I hosted last Saturday night is one that will NEVER be erased from my memory.
That’s because I had not one, not two, not three, not four, but FIVE of my daughter’s pals at our house for a birthday sleep-over!
Yep, half-a-dozen wee lassies singing, dancing, shouting, screaming and playing hide ’n’ seek from 4pm ’til 1am.
If you thought there was a drinking culture at No.10, you should have seen our house on Saturday night.
Quite frankly, me and Mrs C made the Tory MPs look like Amish people.
And to think I’d been doing so well with Dry January.
Alas, with just two days of sobriety to go, I blotted my copybook by hooking myself up to a 40-ouncer of gin and an intravenous drip.
On a positive note, however, all those weans kipping at our place meant that - after a slight misunderstanding last week - I was back sleeping in my own bed.
(It’s true what they say, folks, you can turn a sofa into a sofa bed simply by forgetting your wife’s birthday…)
In all honesty - and if I can drop my Grinch tribute act for a bit - I must say that Sophie, Hannah, Lucy, Molly and the two Rubys were very well behaved and we only received one complaint about the noise.
That was from a woman in Manchester.
But listen, how am I going to cope this weekend when - believe it or not - we’re hosting another sleep-over for NINE of Sophie’s wee school chums?!?
Her birthday’s on Monday - February 7 - and I’m beginning to wish she’d been born on February 29…
Sure, it sounds like great fun. A party organiser is coming to the house on Saturday afternoon to set up their sleeping quarters for the night - a couple of teepees.
But I won’t be able to enjoy it. I’ll be two tents…
PS. Talking of noisy brats, an 11-year-old boy from Sydney who can bash out 39.5 beats per second is now the world’s fastest drummer.
Coincidentally, the couple next-door are the fastest in the world at hitting a wall with a broom handle…
Tiny Puddles
So I was clearing some old texts on my phone earlier this week and came across one I simply COULDN’T delete.
It was from the late, great Sydney Devine on February 6, 2021 – one week before the country music legend passed away.
Typical Steak ’n’ Kidney, he still had a terrific sense of humour even when he was at death’s door.
Replying to my text wishing him a speedy recovery – “You need to get back on your feet soon, I hear Dean Park is sniffing about the Glasgow Pavilion looking to do your gigs in November!” – the response I’ll now treasure read, “He’ll never fit into my suits…”
I’m sure that will make Dean smile, too.
It was reported last week that Syd’s body may have to be exhumed as his grave in Ayr is waterlogged.
As a close friend of Syd’s, and having had the great honour of delivering the eulogy at his funeral, I know for a fact he would see the funny side of this story.
So, this one’s for you, pal.
If they do exhume Sydney Devine’s body, do you think that will count as his first-ever encore?
PS. When I spoke to Pavilion boss Ian Gordon earlier this week, he suggested the headline for this story should be “Tiny Puddles”.
A wee Brucie bonus
Male descendants of Robert The Bruce can be identified by a distant DNA marker according to genealogy researchers at Strathclyde University. But if you want to find out more about descendants of King Robert’s famous spider, try the web.
● A letter written by Mary Queen of Scots before she was beheaded is being auctioned.
A PS says: “Leave your reply in the bucket and I’ll read it later…”
Supermarket sweep
An online shopper ordered a broccoli from Sainsbury’s - and got a single floret.
Greedy b*****d! Doesn’t she realise that’s Scotland’s entire veg quota for 2022?
Meanwhile, the same supermarket is now selling (in these woke times) 80p gingerbread “people”.
Oh dear.
Presumably there’s a label on the packet stating: May NOT contain traces of nuts?
A great case of if only..
A new book has been published on the history of nudity and it’s a subject that splits opinion.
I’m all for it – particularly with so many females willing to pay top dollar for my OnlyFans page. Aye right.
Listen, I once sent some nude photos to Playgirl magazine and got a letter back saying they had put me on their shortlist…
● My all-time favourite gag by legendary comic Bob Monkhouse?
“I tend to sleep in the nude. Which isn’t a bad thing, except on those really long flights…”
The sexiest man in football? Must be dugout Dick
According to a survey, female football fans reckon Spurs boss Antonio Conte is the sexiest manager in British football.
What about Arbroath gaffer Dick Campbell?!?
Meanwhile, the man dubbed “The Voice of Bowls” – BBC commentator David Rhys Jones – has launched an attack on the Beeb for not featuring the sport in last year’s SPOTY.
He says the corporation sees bowls as akin to knitting or Scrabble.
That’s absolute nonsense, mate. Knitting and Scrabble are MUCH more exciting
than bowls.
In other TV news, Sir David Attenborough returned to the Mojave Desert in California to check out a plant he last saw in 1982 – and it had grown just a quarter of an inch.
My wife, never a greedy woman, now wants to leave me in the Mojave for 40 years…
PS. Another TV star – Joel Dommett, the host of The Masked Singer – says he works very hard to keep show secrets.
I’m sure he also wishes he had kept a certain X-rated video of himself enjoying some, ahem, “me time” a secret.
He must regret not wearing a mask that day…
My fave funny photos of the week
Big Davie thought a poncho would make him look like Clint Eastwood.
The funniest TV listing ever!
“Do you have a copy of the full Sue Gray report? Oh, you do! How wonderful…”
Did I really just see a Cyberman on the bus?
Terrifying scenes in the supermarket for fans of Sesame Street.
A car faints after seeing the price of fuel.
Text jokes of the week
● There will be no whitewash at No10 Downing Street, only 50 shades of Gray.
● My New Year resolution is to be more punctual.
● Victoria Beckham eats the same meal every single day –grilled fish with steamed veg – and her only treat is the odd slice of fruitcake. Well, they do say you are what you eat.
● Michael McIntyre’s The Wheel is fantastic. Apart from the celebrity guests. And the contestants. And Michael McIntyre. And the wheel.
● My job isn’t very taxing. I’m an accountant for Starbucks.
● Just bought some counterfeit Mr Kipling’s. They’re exceedingly good fakes.
● A prisoner escaped from jail and went home to his wife, who said: “It was reported on the news you escaped at 3pm and it’s now 7pm – where have you been?” The prisoner handed himself back to the authorities.
● My wife thinks we should sleep in separate beds. Good idea. I’ve chosen Karen’s at No.23…
● There’s nothing better than finding a £10 note in the
pocket of an old pair of jeans – particularly if the wearer doesn’t notice you taking it.
● My grandpa held up a post office last week. He didn’t have a gun, he’s just really chatty.
DJ Pat still spinning golden oldies
Let’s hear it for the world’s oldest DJ Patrick Murphy who, at the grand old age of 91, is still spinning the discs at his local hospital in Bradford.
The nonagenarian’s favourite pop acts?
The Rolling Kidney Stones, The Strokes, Atomic Knitting, Deep Purple Rinse, Brittle Richard, Geriatric & The
Pacemakers, Buddy Holly & The Rickets, Crowded Hearse, Deaf Leppard, Granny Hates Jazz, S Club 70, Drool & The Gang, Lionel Richie & The Commodes, Destiny’s Grandchild, The Elderly Brothers, Derek & the Dominoes Team, No Solids Crew, Katy Sherry, Judas Get A Priest, Wet Wet Wet The Bed, LooLoo, Spandex Ballet, The Bay City Heated Rollers, Stevie Wander and Zzzzzz Top.
Meanwhile, Harry Styles is playing Ibrox this summer – and will be the first artist to appear at Rangers’ stadium since Bon Jovi in 2003.
The former One Direction singer has already received a word of advice from the local face-painter who said: “Make sure you get paid – I know what they’re like with artists…”
PS. Brendan Rodgers was at Celtic Park last Saturday. I bet he left early.
