Good news - Off The Ball is “live” from the Edinburgh Festival this Saturday in front of a 300-strong audience.
Bad news - Radio Scotland bosses have stood down Jerry Sadowitz as our star guest.
Fingers crossed we still get the nod for Graeme Souness…
I’ve spent most of this week shaking my head in dismay.
Jerry’s show at The Pleasance Theatre (BOOO!!!) was called Not For Anyone, tickets were clearly marked ’18-plus’ and posters warned of the X-certificate content.
Whoever complained about Sadowitz being offensive would presumably demand their money back if they went to see Pam Ayres and she did an hour of twee poems.
At a time when you can’t joke about ANYTHING, the Scots-Jewish comedian jokes about EVERYTHING - mainly himself - and I find that hugely refreshing.
I’ve got tickets to see him in full flow this autumn and I can’t wait. It’ll be like taking a 70-minute break from the 21st century.
Yes, yes, I’m well aware he got his willy out at The Pleasance (and it’s a FAKE willy BTW). But as Jerry’s fans will testify, it should only be headline news if he DIDN’T get it out.
He’s done it every time I’ve seen him.
In fact, thanks to my gut, I think I’ve seen less of my own willy.
(Incidentally, ladies and gents, I can assure you that’s not the one and only penis you’ll see at the Edinburgh Festival…)
I was neither shocked nor offended by Jerry’s routine (or the “man’s game” comment from Souness for that matter).
However, I am shocked AND offended by the amount of foodbanks in Scotland, the thought of so many kids going to bed at night cold and hungry and the fact people in this country - thanks to a cost of living crisis - now have to choose between heating or eating.
You know, the important stuff in life.
Shocked and offended by a COMEDIAN telling JOKES?
Don’t make me laugh.
And for the reasons I’ve stated above, NOBODY should be getting their knickers/Y-fronts in a twist over men’s OR women’s fitba’…
A hefty charge
Thousands of lamp posts across Scotland are set to be converted into charging points for electric cars.
As a dog lover, I find that, well, shocking…
Meanwhile, forgive my cynicism (I’m always the same when I hear any “good news” from politicians), but this story about Scotland being the first country in the world to provide free period products… are there any strings attached?
I went on holiday to see the eruption from the puggy
I’m thinking of starting a support group for any parents who took their kids to an amusement arcade over the summer holidays.
Down in Blackpool last week, I was going to take my wee lassie into the Pleasure Beach - but I only had 400 quid on me. So we popped into the amusements and, boy, what an eye-opener!
When I was a kid, I’d shove money in the fruit machines (as a Motherwell boy, this was the nearest I got to my five-a-day) and, if I was lucky, I’d get a few coins back out.
But now, after feeding about £50 into the slot, what happens? Yep, like the ticker tape celebrations on VE Day in 1945, two-mile strips of paper spew out the puggy.
And what can you exchange these 40 million tickets for? A car? A speedboat? A holiday in Barbados?
Nope, your “prize” is a sh*tty wee plastic toy you’d get from Poundland - with change from your quid.
Even though I love both, I’ve always thought pizza (a disc of bread with a meagre sprinkling of toppings) and pasta (flour & water) were the two biggest rip-offs known to man. (Why do you think Italians have the best sports cars, suits and shoes?)
My first visit to Coral Island in years has changed my mind…
PS. How warm was it in Blackpool last week? Hot? I was sweating like Ryan Giggs on Loose Women.
I mostly sat in the shade and read my book about John Haig, aka The Acid Bath Murderer. This reminded me of the Airdrie acid bath murderer. He only had one arm. Lost the other one pulling the plug out…
Ministry of funny handshakes opens branch in London
According to experts, the tell-tale signs that someone is lying include trembling and talking nervously.
Never again will I believe the sports stories presented by Raman Bhardwaj.
Meanwhile, I thought the post-match stooshie involving Chelsea boss Thomas Tuchel and Spurs manager Antonio Conte was hilarious.
It was also rather refreshing as most of us thought funny handshakes only existed in SCOTTISH football…
Staying with the beautiful game, Hibs gaffer Lee Johnson reckons star striker Martin Boyle could do stand-up at the Edinburgh Fringe.
If he’d been able to stand up in the box last weekend, raging Livi boss David Martindale wouldn’t have got booked.
PS. Sir Alex Ferguson met his old Man Utd player Ruud Van Nistelrooy - now the PSV Eindhoven coach - at Ibrox on Tuesday night and told him the 2-2 draw was “a beautiful match”.
After watching Man Utd this season, Fred and Rose West would seem like a beautiful match.
This poison's off
Things To Think About (courtesy of my pal Ian in Kilmarnock).
-If poison is past its expiry date, is it more poisonous or no longer poisonous?
-The word ‘swims’ upside down is still ‘swims’.
-Intentionally losing a game of rock, paper, scissors is just as hard as trying to win.
-Which letter is silent in the word ‘scent’ - the S or the C?
Right, here’s one for you, Ian.
T-Rex is an abbreviated version of Tyrannosaurus Rex. But did you know that T-shirt is an abbreviated version of Tyrannosaurus shirt due to the short arms…?
My Fave Photos of the Week
Pic 1 - Managed to stock up last week before the ban.
Pic 2 - The Three Tenas.
Pic 3 - Remember, folks, spelling is very important!
Pic 4 - This is Elton John’s pet rabbit on a treadmill. It’s a little fit bunny…
Pic 5 - I’ve been a vegan for one week - is this normal?
Pic 6 - Careful if you order the plain rice.
Dot Cotton
Congrats to David Bingham, 59, who visited all 861 Wetherspoons in Britain.
He travelled 2000 miles, it took him three years and he spent £17,000 - mainly on getting his shoes re-soled thanks to all the sticky carpets.
Talking of money, Eastenders legend June Brown - better known as Dot Cotton - left £1m in her will.
Fifty quid cash and the rest in fag coupons.
Text Jokes of the Week
-According to reports, Man Utd are thinking of signing Rebekah Vardy’s husband Jamie. Talk about kicking a man when he’s down?
-Adele has declared her desire to marry Rich Paul. A similar plan was hatched years ago by Heather Mills.
-To cheer yourself up, pretend you’re Les Dennis by going up to a complete stranger at the airport, putting your arm around them and looking up at the departures board.
-Just cooked some burgers on my George Formby grill. They’ve turned out nice again.
-I drank a bottle of invisible ink last night. I’m now in hospital waiting to be seen.
-I was out fishing with Dean Martin when I caught a giant eel, so I asked him what species it was. And Dean said: “That’s a moray…”
-It’s my wife’s birthday next week and she’s been leaving jewellery catalogues all over the house. So I’m getting her a magazine rack.
-Archaeologists have discovered a fossilised dinosaur fart. That’s a blast from the past.
-Three men on a boat. They have four cigarettes, but nothing to light them with. So they throw one of them overboard and the whole boat becomes a cigarette lighter.
-ABBA were only successful because they were first in the phonebook. (This also explains why ZZ Top weren’t bigger.)
-Did you know the patron saint of copying people into emails is St.Francis of a CC?
-There’s a new machine at the gym and I used it for 30 minutes until I started feeling sick. It’s good, though, and it does everything - Mars Bars, Kit Kats, Toffee Crisps…
-There’s a documentary on TV tonight at 11.30pm about erectile dysfunction, but I don’t think I’ll be able to stay up for it.
-My mate is a painter and some of his work can be seen in the National Museum of Scotland. He did the skirting boards.
-Did you know a human fart can be louder than a trombone? I learned that at my daughter’s school concert.
-My wife is threatening to leave me because I keep talking like a newsreader. More on that story later…
And finally
What’s this, a GOOD knock-knock joke?
Knock-knock!
Who’s there?
Maybe it’s a big horse.
Maybe it’s a big horse who?
Maybe it’s a big horse I’m a Londoner…
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