Quiz time. What did Sir Andy Murray describe this week as “a sh*t show”?
Was it (a) tennis buddy Novak Djokovic’s deportation from Australia or (b) The Masked Singer?
The answer, of course, is (a) The big man probably loves the ITV programme as another old chum – former Wimbledon champ Pat Cash – popped up in the latest series.
And, hands up, even though I’d sooner go for a spin in Katie Price’s motor than watch this inane Saturday night guff, I couldn’t resist tuning in to see the Aussie – with a nod to his strong Scottish links – appearing as the character Bagpipes.
Hate the show, ladies and gents, but I LOVE the bagpipes.
No prizes for guessing my favourite musical instrument at school – yep, it was the dinner bell, but the pipes will always have a place in my heart.
(“Are you sure you don’t mean stents?” - Ed.)
They’re without question a classic example of musical Marmite – you either love ‘em or hate ‘em – and I think it’s fair to say my neighbour HATES the bagpipes.
One Thursday night during the height of the pandemic – when we were all hanging out the windows to Clap The Carers – a young boy at the bottom of our street started playing the pipes.
My pal next door shook his head and muttered: “I wish they’d hurry up with this f****** vaccine…”
Sure enough, I was shocked a week later when he said: “I want the bagpipes played at my funeral.”
But only until he added: “Aye, so I don’t have to listen to them.”
As I say, the pipes are not everyone’s cup of tea. I always smile when I think of one of life’s great unanswered questions: how do you know when it’s time to get your bagpipes tuned? And I doff my tartan bunnet to the genius who pointed out the bagpipes are the only musical instrument that, when you learn to play them properly, sound exactly the same as when you started.
But you know what? There are only TWO pieces of music guaranteed to reduce me to tears (three if you include the theme tune to Miranda) and they both involve the bagpipes. I reach for the hankies every time I hear a lone piper playing
Highland Cathedral. (This is a subject for another column, but why is that spine-tingling piece of music NOT our national anthem?)
And I’ve always got goosebumps the size of golf balls when The Campbeltown Pipe Band start giving it laldy halfway through the Paul McCartney & Wings 1977 No1 smash Mull Of Kintyre.
Tell you what else I love about the bagpipes – typically Scottish, they don’t mind being the butt of many a joke.
What’s the difference between bagpipes and an onion? Nobody cries when you chop up bagpipes.
Why do pipers walk when they play? It’s harder to hit a moving target.
What’s the definition of a gentleman? Someone who can play the bagpipes but doesn’t.
How is playing the bagpipes like throwing a javelin blindfolded? You don’t have to be very good to get people’s attention.
How do you get two pipers to play in perfect unison? Shoot one of them. But I’ll sign off on this subject with an all-time favourite.
My next-door neighbour knocked on my door at 2.30am last week.
Half-past two in the morning!!! Luckily for him, I was still up playing my bagpipes…
Fool of praise for tribute to Andy
Can't tell you how chuffed I was to get a name-check in River City just before Christmas – check out my Instagram page if you’ve no idea what I’m talking about.
But it’s now No2 on my list of favourite episodes after Monday’s brilliant – and very moving – tribute to the late, great Andy Gray.
It was magic seeing my old pals Grant Stott and Iain Robertson dressed up as Batman & Robin (Andy was a HUGE fan of The Caped Crusader) but I must admit, after clocking the preview pics in the Daily Record – and as a big Only Fools and Horses buff – I texted Grant to wind him up.
“Batman and Robin?” I said. “And what are you doing the following week – smashing a chandelier? Falling through a hatch in the bar? Going on a Jolly Boy’s Outing to Margate?”
Grant, the rascal, tried to have a pop back on Off The Ball last Saturday (when one of our topics was “a slip of the tongue”) by sending me the transcript of something he said live on air during his Radio Forth days.
After a sports bulletin that contained some audio from former Rangers player Bert Konterman, he TRIED to say: “Let’s listen to that cut from Konterman again.”
But it didn’t come out that way…
I’m delighted – and very relieved – to say I didn’t make the same mistake!!!
PS. In other TV news, regular reader Bob McFarlane – Hamilton’s No1 punster – tells me that scientists have created a TV with “Smelly-vision” which gives off scents appropriate to the on-screen content at the time.
And he assures me it will be launched on Channel No.5…
I need some Kelp to find out who BoJo supports
The creator of The Kelpies – Andy Scott – has hit out at the copycat shrubbery version in Dubai, but says he’s too busy to let it bother him as he’s just been commissioned to work on a new equine sculpture – a horse’s a**e outside No10.
Meanwhile, who does Boris Johnson REALLY support?
That’s the question we asked listeners on Off The Ball and I loved the email from a Rangers fan (too late for the show, sadly) who suggested he’s a Celtic supporter.
However, none of the Parkhead players showed up at any of the PM’s parties as they couldn’t make it to number 10…
The call from Scottish Tory leader Douglas Ross for BoJo to resign raised a few eyebrows, but I wasn’t in the least bit surprised.
So far as I can work out, the PM organised about 14 parties… and poor old Dougie wasn’t invited to ONE of them!
No wonder he’s in the huff
Staying with politics, Culture Secretary Nadine Dorries says the Tories plan to abolish the BBC licence fee by 2027.
I personally think that’s utterly ridiculous.
I mean, come on, based on recent events, does she SERIOUSLY think the Tories will be in power for another five years…?!?
PS. On the back of last week’s column, a riddle from Kilmarnock reader Ian Arnott.
What’s the difference between David Cameron and Cristiano Ronaldo?
Well, Ronaldo likes to hog the ball……
PPS. Bottles of booze being stashed in suitcases reminded me of my favourite “fly bevvy” story.
At the Glasgow Pavilion pantomime a few years ago – about 15 minutes before curtain up – I couldn’t help having a wee nosey at the text message being typed out by the woman sitting directly in front of me.
It said: “Angie, they’re no’ checking the bags at the front door!”
Hands up if you think it was sweeties they were trying to sneak in…?
Under the BINfluence
We've all heard of social influencers, but what about a social BINfluencer?
I’m told that’s the person in your street who puts their wheelie bin out first on the correct day and the rest of the neighbours follow suit. Spot on!
Stu's itchy feat
Congratulations to Lionel Richie on receiving the Gershwin Prize for Popular Song – and I know my radio side-kick Stuart Cosgrove will echo this sentiment.
It’s not the first time on our show he’s admitted that – thanks to his love of soul music and the fact he’s got eczema –his nickname at school was Lionel Itchy…
Pants on fire
According to the latest survey, a third of us have lucky pants or knickers for dates.
When I ran this past my wee pal Senga from Airdrie, she just laughed and said: “Knickers? On a date?”
My fave funny photos of the week
Novak is now working from home.
When you get sacked by Everton and they take the company car back.
The refurbishment is complete at No10.
It took me a good five minutes to realise this wasn’t a gorilla walking on the beach.
Family bedtime in Airdrie.
Hands up if you see a bunch of ladies swimming…?
Text jokes of the week
● How many blokes went out last weekend to get absolutely “suitcased” before going home to face a “Sue Gray inquiry” from the missus?
● I hear they’re making a movie of Prince Andrew’s life but nobody knows what it’s called as it hasn’t got a title.
● When it comes to tennis, the Aussies know how to return a Serb…
● I’ve just bought a Humpty Dumpty toy from Aldi. It’s brilliant. It come with Aldi king’s horses and Aldi king’s men.
● When I was a baby, my parents used to bath me in cheap Australian lager. It wasn’t until I was 18 I realised I’d been Fostered.
● After a night at the pub last week, my mate asked if he
could crash on my couch. I had to explain to him that I’m married now and that’s where
I sleep.
● Picked up a hitchhiker last night who said: “Thanks, how
do you know I’m not a serial killer?” I replied: “Well, the chances of two serial killers being in the same car are astronomical…”
● I can only get to sleep at
night if I lie on a pile of old magazines. I think I must have back issues.
● I’m not suggesting anything but I just saw Sue Gray in B&Q buying a big tub of whitewash…
Recalling all the good rhymes..
Enjoyed a wee run up the lovely East Neuk of Fife last week and, outside the legendary Anstruther Fish Bar, I bumped into a fella called Alec who said: “Hey, Tam, I bet you cannae remember the two limericks you did on the radio about Crail…”
Nope, I couldn’t. And, in fairness, it was about 12 years ago! But, just for you, wee man –especially as you promised me you NEVER miss this column – I dug into the Radio Scotland archive and I can publish BOTH pieces of verse today.
They were dedicated to our studio guest Archie Macpherson who told us he played golf in the Fife village and (CLEARS THROAT) here goes…
A big wifie’s knickers fae Crail,
Blew off the rope in a gale.
Her husband said: “Hen,
“You’ll no’ see them again.”
But she did – on a yacht as a sail.
On the boobs of a barmaid from Crail,
Were inscribed all the prices of ale.
And on her behind,
For the sake of the blind,
Was the same – but only in Braille.
That’s a fish supper you owe me, Alec!
