One quick glance at my mugshot and, thanks to the boyish good looks, dear reader, you’ll be shocked to learn I’m 54 tomorrow. What’s that? I could pass for 30? Ach, you’re too kind.
Seriously, though, when you look at an Easter holiday snap of my recent trip in our election battle bus – sorry, motorhome – you WON’T be shocked to learn I spent the entire fortnight on the receiving end of some good-natured banter. That’s the price you pay for looking like a fat Peter Murrell…
(This column usually steers well clear of politics but, given their alleged financial frailty, here’s my prediction for the SNP – I reckon they’ll be bought for £1 by Craig Whyte.) Age is only a number, of course, and I was reminded of that when I read a preview of the documentary on C5 tomorrow.
It’s a look back at a classic sitcom first screened 30 years ago and the irony of the title – One Foot In the Grave – won’t be lost on anyone who tunes in. You see, it features interviews with the three main stars – and they’re all hale & hearty. Richard Wilson (aka Victor Meldrew) is 86, his long-suffering on-screen wife Annette Crosby is 89 and Doreen Mantle, who played Mrs Warboys, is 96!
To be honest, though, the one that really surprised me was Angus Deayton (best known for Have I Got News For You?) who played Victor’s next-door neighbour Patrick. Okay, he’s only 67, but that’s a good innings after all those drugs and prostitutes.
Dundee Utd had one foot in the grave at Fir Park last Saturday but Jim Goodwin had the last laugh when his team fought back from a goal down to beat Motherwell 2-1. When the relegation-threatened Arabs were struggling in the first-half and Goodwin was moaning non-stop at the ref, the first laugh of the afternoon was courtesy of a ‘Well fan who yelled: “Keep growing that beard, Jim – you’ll be needing a job at Christmas!”
However, the line of the week from last Saturday’s football was surely delivered by BBC Radio Scotland pundit John “Yogi” Hughes after Hibs beat Hearts 1-0 in the Edinburgh derby. As I was driving to Fir Park, the big man said: “Clubs like Hibs need to get into the latter stages of cup finals.”
I nearly swerved off the M74… Still in Motherwell, here’s a point I don’t think those selfish Just Stop Oil protestors have thought about. If you get your wish, boys & girls, what is Stuart Kettlewell’s hair is going to look like? The whole nation was stunned by that carry-on at the snooker.
No wonder – it was the first bit of excitement at The Crucible for 30 years. Back in the halcyon days, play wouldn’t have been suspended just because some eejit emptied a bag of powder onto the table.
Nope, Jimmy White or Kirk Stevens would have snorted it up in seconds.The protestor who leapt onto the table is lucky he didn’t try that stunt when John Higgins was playing. I reckon The Wishaw Wizard – a good North Lanarkshire man – would have lamped him with his cue.
Talking of weapons, I read last week that an Edinburgh Fringe sword swallower was injured after a stunt went wrong. Apparently, he swallowed the sword successfully. Too successfully. The following morning, he disembowelled himself…
PS. A final word to the protestors demanding we Just Stop Oil. I think you’ll find most of us have, ya dafties. We’re now using air-fryers.
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