It's usually my poor readers who doze off halfway through one of these columns – but it could be my turn today, folks.
Yep, after barely any sleep over the past few hot, sticky, sweaty nights, I might just conk out on my keyboard.
The highest temperatures, of course, were in London. Prince Andrew was apparently spotted buying a can of anti-perspirant and it’s just as well my wee pal Lorraine Kelly (now Covid-free) is back on TV in the mornings as I’m told her stand-in Carol Vorderman has melted.
We should all be grateful the mercury hit the eagerly anticipated high of 40C south of the Border. Otherwise, I fear hysterical English newsreaders would have petrol-bombed the streets to nudge the temperature up a wee bit.
In Scotland, I think our recent weather can be summed up by the C-word that BOTH sexes hate… clammy.
Forget “Blowtorch Britain” – welcome to Clammy Caledonia.
I took a stroll through Glasgow city centre on Tuesday lunchtime and every office worker in a suit was squelching about like Lee Evans.
Roasting? Unconfirmed reports say an ice-cream van in Hamilton put a sign up saying “no ice-lollies are kept in this vehicle overnight”.
As a former daftie who once suffered third-degree burns after falling asleep poolside in Las Vegas (with not a lick of suncream on my peely-wally body), I always take precautions.
This week, I slapped on the Factor Duffel Coat and kept myself hydrated. (Beer is about 90 per cent water, yeah?)
However, I made the mistake of coming home from the pub the other night, pulling off my “vodka & cokes” to let my feet cool down and nodding off in front of the telly.
And that’s when (as you can see from the pic) my 11-year-old daughter Sophie decided to “prank” daddy by painting my toenails.
(That’s my story, folks, and I’m sticking to it…)
After posting this photo on Instagram, fair play to one of my followers who commented: “Are you really from Motherwell? There’s only five toes on each foot.”
At the risk of the wean going to town with lipstick, eye-shadow, foundation, the lot, I should have stayed on the couch as I got zero kip in my bed this week. Even the DVD box-set of Downton Abbey didn’t do the trick.
I also tried counting sheep but it was far too hot. None of them jumped over the fence, they just crashed out in the shade beneath a tree.
Eventually, I went downstairs for a sandwich… and now I don’t think I’ll sleep for the rest of the year.
You see, folks, I accidentally left the fridge door open and ruined a perfectly good tub of Lurpak.
AAARRRGGGHHH!!!!!!
PS. What’s your favourite “I was sweating like…” line? I conducted a quick survey with some of my pals this week and here’s the pick of the bunch. I was sweating like…
● Pavarotti’s pallbearers.
● A Scouser watching Crimewatch.
● The Weather Girls on a tandem.
● A one-legged man at an a**e-kicking contest.
● Mel Gibson at a Bar Mitzvah.
● A glassblower’s gonads.
● Leigh Griffith’s postman on Father’s Day.
● A 70s DJ at the PC World repairs desk.
● Someone with a nut allergy eating a bag of Revels.
● A vampire having a shave (nae
reflection in the mirror).
● Anne Hegerty from The Chase at an all-you-can-eat buffet.
● Sir Mo Farrah on Who Do You Think You Are?
My pal Martin, a fellow motorhome enthusiast, was at the Tantallon campsite in North Berwick last week when he popped to the toilet block and spotted this sign (pictured left) directly above the urinals…!
I bet it put him in the mood for a single fish.
Meanwhile, there was another advert inside one of the cubicles (no photographic evidence, sadly) for “Brown & Sons – the best chocolate fudge cake in North Berwick”.
It's Doggy Parton
Country music legend Dolly Parton has launched a store selling a range of clothing and furniture for pet pooches called, yep, Doggy Parton. I hear it’s open canine to five…
Happy Meal was bad nudes for my body confidence
Lesley Joseph says she struggles to watch Birds of a Feather because she can’t bear to see herself on screen.
As she explained: “I look too old, I look too big, I look small, I look this, I look that.”
And she’s not alone, of course… LOADS of people struggle to watch Birds of a Feather.
They do say the TV camera adds 10lbs. Which is why my wife has urged me to go on Naked Attraction.
Did you know you were legally allowed to be naked anywhere in the UK last Thursday?
Yep, I heard all about it on my old pal Cat Harvey’s morning radio show.
You could only be arrested if the authorities proved you were doing it to deliberately shock or offend people.
So how come when I wore my birthday suit last Thursday for a quick visit to McDonald’s I was dragged away by the fuzz?
The most embarrassing bit? The lassie behind the counter looked me up and down and gave me a kid’s Happy Meal…
Fuel to the brim
Britain’s cheapest petrol station was queued out last weekend after slashing 25p off every litre of fuel.
The owner of the garage – located in Devon – says he even had people driving down from Airdrie to take advantage of the offer…
Strips plan would have been a Firm no for supporters
It’s been revealed that Glasgow is the best place in Scotland for pensioners to find romance.
Pity he’s hung up the boots or Wayne Rooney could have been lured to Celtic or Rangers.
Meanwhile, according to reports, former No10 spin doctor Alastair Campbell wanted an Old Firm friendly in Belfast to celebrate the Good Friday Agreement in 1998… with the two clubs wearing each other’s jerseys as a gesture of conciliation.
Aye right, mate. Then you and Tony Blair WOULD have found WMDs – on every Celtic and Rangers supporters’ bus…
PS. Here’s one of those “strange but true” bits of trivia (courtesy of Big Billy, an Off the Ball listener from Elgin).
When Bruce Springsteen performed in Ireland in 2009 – on the 12th of July – he opened the gig with a Born In the USA album track called No Surrender.
And Big Billy reckons he was the only one who noticed.
Lookalike of the week?
My fave funny photos of the week
Warning: don’t try to have sex in this heat!
Do you think this fella is partial to an alcoholic beverage?
Who the hell takes a leather sofa to the beach? And would there be ANY skin left on your bum and legs when you get up?
A Dundee wedding cake.
That’s the beer garden finished.
Text jokes of the week
● I’m not saying it’s hot, but I’ve just squeezed the contents of a McDonald’s apple pie over my head to cool down.
● Just be thankful it’s not snowing – can you imagine shovelling snow in this heat?
● Heatwave latest: councils across the UK rejoice after melting roads begin to fill in their own potholes.
● Just spent five hours on a website called OnlyFans. They don’t sell ANY fans. But I’ll have another look tomorrow…
● The inventor of autocorrect visited Thailand and enjoyed a great time with some ladybirds.
● I told my wife she should embrace her mistakes. She reached out and gave me a hug.
● I came out of Asda this morning and there was a woman crying her eyes out as she’d lost all her holiday money. I felt so sorry for her I gave her £50. Wouldn’t normally do something like that, but I’d just found £1000 in the car-park…
● A Scotsman, an Englishman and an Irishman get into a taxi in Glasgow. The driver says: “Sorry guys, I canna take a joke.”
● The body of the man who invented Tupperware is still at the funeral parlour. They can’t find the lid.
Girl's Spark of genius
What about the 10-year-old girl from London who joined Mensa with an IQ of 160, which means she’s as clever as Albert Einstein and Professor Stephen Hawking?
Not surprised she’s bright. Her name is Isabelle SPARK!
And no doubt about my two favourite names in the news this week.
A Victoria Cross up for auction was won for bravery in 1858 by – wait for it – George Bell CHICKEN.
Meanwhile, on Radio Scotland this week, I heard a contributor on the morning phone-in programme describe himself as a “flexitarian”.
Eh?
Well, as he explained, he used to be a strict vegan but his wife’s a meat-eater, so he now indulges in a bit of both.
Flexitarian. Or, as it used to be known, henpecked....
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