According to the latest research, you’re too old to listen to Justin Bieber by the age of 39 (months?) and nobody over 53 should be at an Adele concert.
Well, unless it’s one of her Las Vegas gigs and you were only 40 when you bought the tickets…
The pop diva won three awards at The Brits on Tuesday night and I bet the organisers are just relieved she didn’t tearfully cancel at the last minute.
I think it’s fair to say The Brits doesn’t quite cater for my own musical tastes. (“Naw, really?!?” - Ed)
For example, where was the Lifetime Achievement Award for Bucks Fizz (still performing at holiday camps the length and breadth of the UK 40 years after their first No.1)?
And how come there was no fitting tribute to that giant of the music industry we sadly lost last year - the late, great Sydney Devine?
But listen, if you think I’m an auld fart, what about this response from my pal Hughie (a man who’s seen Halley’s Comet three times) when I asked for his take on The Brits?
“They did very well at Normandy,” he said.
Don’t get me wrong, there were a couple of highlights.
Someone called Anne-Marie (didn’t catch her second name) apparently sang a cover version of Elvis Costello’s I Can’t Stand Up For Falling Down.
And Ed Sheeran opened the show by setting fire to the inside of the O2.
I’d have happily done it for him…
Ed was named 2021 Songwriter of the Year - an award that simply MUST go to the Watford FC supporters next year.
When West Ham’s Kurt Zouma - facing prosecution for slapping, kicking and throwing shoes at his family’s pet cat - was fouled and hit the deck, the away supporters started chanting: “That’s how your cat feels!”
Brilliant!
With a nod to Zouma, I think The Hammers should change their club song I’m Forever Blowing Bubbles to I’ve Forever Throwing Tiddles.Any truth in the rumour his new nickname in the dressing-room is ‘Curiosity’…?
In terms of a fitting punishment, I really hope he doesn’t get a slap on the wrist down the local cop shop or a courtroom fine that’s the equivalent of loose change to an English Premier League star.
Nah, I suggest handcuffing Zouma to one of the goalposts at West Ham and letting a cat have a go back at him.
I just can’t decide if it should be a lion, a leopard or a Bengal tiger…
Tell you what really shocked me about this story - I can’t believe he STILL hasn’t been signed by Raith Rovers…
PS. Talking of tunes, it was reported this week that we’ve all got one piece of music that’s guaranteed to make us cry.
Yep, it’s true. Mine is the theme to The Vicar Of Dibley.
Miranda Hart has revealed she got her comedy break by deliberately crashing into the show’s creator Richard Curtis (so now we know who to blame).
She was playing football in the entrance of the BBC’s London HQ and told her pal to “pass the ball, but aim it towards Richard”.
She then banged into him, told him she wanted to be a comedian - and Richard gave her a part in The Vicar Of Dibley.
That collision with big Miranda clearly damaged his hearing…
PPS. Staying with telly, when I heard Aussie soap Neighbours is being axed - after nearly four decades on our TV screens - I had tears in my eyes.
But that’s what happens when champagne bubbles get up my nose.
Good riddance to bad rubbish - let’s be honest, the best actor in the show was Bouncer the dug - but I’m probably biased.
I’ve HATED the show ever since someone first pointed out I’m a dead-ringer for Harold Bishop…
PPPS. A new TV documentary will tell the incredible story of a New York man who has been arrested no fewer than 43 times for exposing himself to passers-by in Central Park.
And there’s a warning that this programme contains flashing images…
What kind of crisp would Rees-Mogg eat?
No idea what got us onto the subject but, on last Saturday’s edition of Off The Ball, we asked listeners what type of crisps would appeal to the nation’s MPs.
A flurry of entries arrived too late for the show, so I’ll share them now…
Michael Gove loves a Disco, Boris Johnson’s favourite flavour is prawn cocktail party, the Tories are big fans of sleaze ’n’ onion, Jacob Rees-Mogg prefers boiled potatoes (crisps hadn’t been invented in the era he inhabits) and former PM David Cameron has a wee fancy for either pork scratchings or smoky bacon…
The not so thin blue line
Police were called to a disturbance in Kilmarnock last Saturday night when a local resident threw a television set out of a top floor window at approximately 7pm.
However, they deny it was Kris Boyd when The Masked Singer started on ITV.
Empty promises
The Scottish Government is set to spend £300k to improve ventilation in schools by shaving the bottom off classroom doors.
And I feel very jealous when I think of the workmen who’ll carry out this task.
Well, thanks to the pandemic, it’s AGES since I’ve been on a plane…
On that note, any chance the BBC could repeat some old episodes of EastEnders as a tribute to the late Leonard Fenton (95) who played the legendary Dr Legg?
Not only would this be a nice touch, it would remind us all what a GP looks like…
Say hello to my little friend
A “diet” beer - zero carbs, 80-calorie Bud Light NEXT - is being launched… and the marketing men reckon this could mean the end of the beer belly!
Can you imagine that, guys? We’ll suddenly be able to channel our inner Al Pacino…
Say hello to my little friend!
Meanwhile, I was listening to a radio interview with Jeremy Clarkson and he spoke about his long-running feud with Piers Morgan.
And - by a curious coincidence - this was on the same day it was reported the UK’s oldest pub (it opened in the year 793) was closing down.
It’s called Ye Olde Fighting Cocks…
● David Beckham has revealed he ate 32 snails - in one sitting - at a posh restaurant in Paris.
It would have been even more, but he says they were so hard and crunchy they started hurting his teeth…
I remember trying snails in a restaurant and it was a bit of a disaster. The minute I put salt on them, they all disappeared.
Snails are a famous French delicacy, of course, but I believe they’re also very popular in Airdrie.
They love anything in a shell-suit.
Farewell Bamber
So dear old Bamber Gascoigne arrives at the Pearly Gates only to discover they’re locked.
“Hello!” he shouts. “How do I get in?”
St .Peter peeks through the railings and says: “Finger on the buzzer...”
The legendary University Challenge presenter passed away this week at the age of 87 and I’d like to pay tribute by saying four soups, three garlic breads, two prawn cocktails and one stuffed mushrooms. That’s your starter for 10...
My fave funny photos of the week
Spotted outside Asda in Airdrie.
Spoil your wife this Valentine’s Day with a pair of moppers.
The Welsh bobsleigh team at the Winter Olympics.
When you eat in Wetherspoons and someone says: “Compliments to the chef!”
Sunday League football back in the good old days.
The new Highway Code is mad - it took me four hours to get past these cyclists.
Text jokes of the week
Yesterday was National Libraries’ Day. They kept that quiet.
Delighted to hear you can help with our awful condensation problem. Come round anytime, the kettle’s always on…
Makes sense that Greggs should launch a fashion collection. Their sausage rolls are so flaky you end up wearing half the thing anyway.
On our anniversary dinner, my wife accused me of being the stingiest man she’s ever met. I was so shocked I nearly choked on my roadkill…
Ever seen the film called The Prisoner Of Zenda? Well, did you know Elvis sang the theme tune for the sequel?
Man Utd’s trophy drought has lasted so long now that Bob Geldof is going to do a song about it.
Dog tale
Wilko has followed John Lewis,Dobbies, Waterstones and Mountain Warehouse by letting dogs into their stores.
And that’s all the excuse I need to repeat one of the greatest jokes of all-time.
A guy walks into Asda with a poodle on a lead and is stopped by a security guard who tells him no dogs are allowed in the shop.
“But this is my guide dog!” he protests.
“I don’t believe you,” says the security man. “Guide dogs are normally labradors.”
The fella pats his poodle and says: “And what have they given me…?”
Banged up
The next time you hate your life, remember - it’s all about perspective. I’ve got a pal who has sex two or three times a day, he exercises daily, reads a couple of books a week and yet still complains about how much he hates prison.
A fair coop
I hope you’ll join me, dear reader, in wishing good luck to my pal Kenny from Lochore ahead of his interview for a stock-taker’s job at his local poultry farm.
He’s hopeful of getting it, but he’s not counting his chickens.
And finally
Alec Baldwin has flown into London to restart his film career.
Any chance of a cameo for Boris Johnson?
