My dear old granny died on Saturday afternoon.
At least, that’s what I told organisers of the Motherwell FC Player of the Year event I was due to host just hours after a 6-0 trouncing at Celtic Park.
Yep, the Europa League Final wasn’t the ONLY big football event this week. (And thank goodness for that, dear reader, as your fitba’-daft columnist had a Wednesday lunchtime deadline ahead of last night’s 8pm kick-off in Seville.)
The late, great Ronnie Corbett once claimed the most nervous he’d ever felt in his life was standing at a urinal next to Shakin’ Stevens.
But I was even more panic-stricken by the rather challenging prospect of trying to cheer up a room full of ‘Well fans, while the players - who’d just been pumped at Parkhead - were sitting right down the front.
It’s true what they say - adrenalin is brown.
However, the dinner went ahead as scheduled (turns out the Dalziel Park Hotel in Motherwell has a very strict 24-hour cancellation policy) and I’m delighted to report it was a roaring success.
As a Fir Park season-ticket holder for 43 years, it’s a great honour to MC the club events.
I could never have played for Motherwell - although manager Graham Alexander DID offer me a trial right after the Celtic defeat - so this is a terrific second prize.
And in fairness to the players and coaching staff, they enjoyed a laugh on Saturday night and didn’t mind getting slaughtered.
“If Ukraine defended like you lot this afternoon,” I said right at the start, “the war would have lasted 20 minutes.”
Don’t forget though, Motherwell finished fifth in the league this year and qualified for the Europa Conference League, which will be our 11th time in Europe - a Scottish record for a non-city club.
Not bad, eh?
All we need now are some video messages from Willie Pettigrew, Ally Maxwell, Stevie Kirk and Keith Lasley begging the fans to behave and we’re good to go.
Still not convinced Motherwell FC is a big club? Well, what about the jubilant celebrations by Celtic fans in the Merchant City after they beat us last week?
Incidentally folks, the last team to defeat Ange Postecoglu’s title winners in the league was (any guesses?) Livingston.
And, as part of a very busy weekend, I also had the privilege of presenting the prizes at The Lions’ big end-of-season bash.
As instructed by event organiser Davie Black (the club’s media officer), there was a strict embargo on the award winners’ names until the ceremony got underway on Sunday night.
Sure enough, I had reporters from the BBC, CNN and The Washington Post phoning me up all week, absolutely DESPERATE to find out who’d won the Players’ Player of the Year Award at Livi. Sorry boys, it’s top secret - my lips are sealed!
Seriously though, it was a cracking night in front of 220 Livingston fans (that was actually the third-biggest attendance in the club’s history) and congrats to free-scoring Livi legend Bruce Anderson who won a hat-trick of awards.
Thanks also to manager David Martindale - one of my favourite characters in Scottish football - for taking a joke.
After admitting he was still in a lot of pain following a recent issue with kidney stones, I asked: “Surely you must know SOMEONE who can get their hands on some drugs?”
And I’m delighted/relieved to report he laughed.
PS. I was also booked for Dundee FC’s Player of the Year Awards last weekend, but I’m afraid that was cancelled after the event sponsor - the Dignitas Clinic in Switzerland - pulled out.
Flying Scotsman
ACCORDING to the latest survey, the No.1 thing that annoys aeroplane passengers is sitting next to a complete stranger who falls asleep and starts snoring.
If that happens on your flight, please follow the advice I heard years ago.
Put on your oxygen mask and wake him up.
You’ll never forget the look on his face and I GUARANTEE it’s the last time he’ll nod off.
From Francis to Florence, it's a carry-on nursing
Doctors have prescribed a wheelchair, a walking stick and physical therapy to help Pope Francis with his bad knee – but the pontiff has joked that what he really needs for the pain is a shot of tequila!
(A wee miracle from his boss upstairs wouldn’t go amiss either)
My advice? Just give the airport tarmac a wee wave Franny, instead of bending down to kiss it.
I don’t like tequila, but I LOVE Mexican food and I visited a really authentic restaurant the other night.
In fact, it was SO authentic, they advised us not to drink the water.
(The head waiter was even wearing that famous Mexican aftershave – Taco Rabane.)
Anyway, on the subject of physical ailments suffered by the auld yins, the University of Chichester is displaying a hand-written letter from Florence Nightingale in which she writes of her poor health after the Crimea War.
Apparently, she found it a struggle to walk.
Is that why they called her The Lady With The Limp?
Pythagoras's Hook
NOT every joke has to be as low-rent and puerile as you’ll find in this column.
There’s always room for a clever gag and that’s exactly how I’d describe this cracker from Mark Pearson, one of my Instagram followers.
His pal shared a post about fishing and asked: “Which famous angler would you like to go fishing with?”
To which Mark replied: “Pythagoras.”
Brilliant.
What about the poor old homeless fella who was fishing in the canal with a broom handle and string for a rod and a rusty old nail as a hook?
A passer-by who noticed him catching fish after fish - and throwing them straight back – asked: “Why don’t you keep all those fish and eat them?”
And the old boy replied: “Ach, I can catch fish any time I want - it’s that mattress I’m after.”
Celts' Beach Ba' Burst
ON the day that Celtic clinched the Scottish Premiership, I hear beach balls were being sold outside the stadium for £10.
A tenner for a beach ball?!?
That’s inflation for you.
My fave funny photos of the week
That moment when you get a doctor’s appointment.
This is what happens when you fart in a smart car.
I don’t think this will end well.
Police are looking for the person who stole the windows off this house.
Why do birds suddenly appear, every time you are near?
Text jokes of the week
* In the past 17 years, 114 men have died in weight-lifting accidents at the gym. Over the same period, one man has died eating a doughnut. Life is all about the choices we make.
* Liverpool are still on course for the quintuple: League Cup, FA Cup, Champions League, Premier League, Everton relegated.
* Men socialise by insulting each other, but they don’t really mean it. Women socialise by complimenting each other, and they don’t mean it either.
* A cargo plane full of spare parts for 1970s Japanese cars lost its load mid-flight. Witnesses say it was raining Datsun cogs.
* Good bit of advice: if you’re ever being chased by a pack of taxidermists, don’t play dead.
* I love putting on underwear straight from the tumble dryer. It’s fun looking around the laundrette to see who it belongs to.
* It’s my old mum’s birthday today so we’re having some of the family around. As we raise our glasses, I know she’ll be looking down on us and smiling. We really must get that stairlift fixed.
* I suggested re-marrying my first wife, but she realised I was only after my money.
* I’ve been invited to a nudists’ group meeting on Sunday. I might go if I’ve got nothing on.
* To make ends meet, I’ve put all my dogging gear on eBay. No offers yet, but 27 people are watching.
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And Finally
An Essex woman who received 400 cards on her 107th birthday following a Facebook appeal has been described as “a huge character” by care home workers. And a bloody auld nuisance by her postman.
