About 20 years ago I was informed by a colleague that, when she introduced herself to Rod Stewart as a reporter from the Daily Record, the legendary pop star replied: “The Record? I love Tam Cowan!”
Well, big man, after last week’s amazing gesture, I can assure you the feeling is mutual.
I like a person who can take a joke. And I REALLY like a person who kindly offers to help a great cause.
That’s exactly what Sir Rod did on the back of last Thursday’s column.
After I’d cracked a few gags about his performance of Sweet Caroline at the Queen’s Jubilee Concert, he got in touch with Keith Jackson at the sports desk to say: “Tell my friend Tam C that I don’t mind a p*ss-take but, in my defence, I was suffering from Covid and that’s why I was a bit hoarse.”
Fair dos, Rod, delighted to set the record straight. (Although, in fairness, haven’t you been a bit hoarse for your entire career?)
But here’s the really good bit, dear reader.
The celebrity Celtic fan finished his text message by saying: “If I can help in any way with Andy Goram’s fundraiser I will.”
Rod was referring to the sold-out event I’m hosting next Wednesday at the Airdrie Working Men’s Club to assist the former Hibs, Rangers, Motherwell and Scotland goalkeeper who, tragically, is terminally ill and currently receiving the very best care and attention at the St.Andrew’s Hospice.
And, boy, the veteran singer has really come up trumps by offering a VIP meet & greet package for two people (a pre-show blether with Rod and the best seats in the house) at one of his gigs this Nov/Dec at The Hydro in Glasgow.
Amazing, eh?
I’ve flagged up the prize on my Instagram account - @therealtamcowan - and, as I type these words, the highest bid so far is £2100.
Very impressive. But come on, ladies and gents, this is Rod Stewart we’re talking about - not Peter Andre!
If you fancy getting involved, the online bidding ends at 5pm next Wednesday and then - kicking-off with the highest amount - I’ll do a “live” auction at the Goram tribute that evening.
Hats off, Rod, I don’t know how to thank you. But I better have a bash, so here goes…
Elvis Costello - what a baldy wee nyaff, eh?
Earlier this week, Rod slaughtered the Oliver’s Army singer after he’d criticised his rendition of Sweet Caroline and it was hilarious.
Almost - but not quite - as funny as Rod doing the Scottish Cup draw on live TV a few years ago.
Hands up if you remember that? (Get it on YouTube if you don’t!)
I seem to recall one report described Rod as “bleary-eyed”. Yeah, as bleary-eyed as a newt.
Let’s just say he’d enjoyed several hours in hospitality before being asked to pull a few balls from the big glass bowl.
Bizarrely, though, it wasn’t actually a blootered Rod who made a mess of the draw.
Nope, it was former Celtic and Hibs man Alan Stubbs who - stone cold sober - mucked things up by getting confused between the numbers 6 and 9.
Which, as I wondered at the time, might explain why he got in a fankle after buying a copy of the Kama Sutra…
PS. Talking of the more (ahem) “mature” pop icons, I see The Rolling Stones cancelled a gig in Amsterdam this week after Mick Jagger tested positive for Covid.
According to reports, fans have been According to the latest survey, frisky middle-aged Brits feel sexier than at any other stage of their lives - and 53 is the milestone for being most in the mood for bedroom activities.
Aye right. Listen, I was 53 a few weeks ago. The only bedroom activity I fancy these days is sleeping. the concert will be “rescheduled for a later date”.
Hmmm. Mick’s 79, Keith Richards is 78, Ronnie Wood is 75 and Charlie Watts is deid.
I think I’d just ask for my money back.
Lorraine says she plans to work on until she turns 100..just like Judy
My wee pal Lorraine Kelly, 62, says she plans to work until she’s 100.
Well, if it was good enough for Judy Finnegan...
PS. Here’s a wee bit of pop trivia I learned at the weekend - when Franz Ferdinand teamed up with 70s legends Sparks, they used their respective initials to become FFS.
Perhaps that’s why we’ve never seen a collaboration involving Coldplay, U2, nirvana and Travis.
Experts at Glasgow University say primates could soon be using their own version of Netflix on a monkey media player.
Ah, but what will they be watching?
No stranger to a honking pun, might I suggest Saving Primate Ryan, Educating Cheetah, Breakfast At Chimpanzees, A Fistful Of
Bananas, Planet Of The Humans and Sex, Lies & Video Apes?
In a shock report, Scottish teachers have revealed loads of pupils are turning up for classes high on cocaine.
Changed days, eh?
When I was at school, the only Charlie I was familiar with was the cartoon cat who warned us not to go with strangers.
Julie's so lippy
Julie Andrews says she will no longer endorse bright, cheap lipstick as it crumbles easily and makes her breath smell.
She said: “The super colour fragile lippy gives me halitosis.”
I'd rather snooze
AccordIng to the latest survey, frisky middle-aged Brits feel sexier than at any other stage of their lives – and 53 is the milestone for being most in the mood for bedroom activities.
Aye right.
Listen, I was 53 a few weeks ago. The only bedroom activity I fancy these days is sleeping.
Sorry England, but I'm Hungary for some more results like that
THE 2021/22 football season is now officially over, but I couldn’t possibly write a column this week without mentioning the four goals - scored AWAY from home! - that put a smile on all our faces on Tuesday night.
Yep, well done Hungary!!!
Meanwhile, good luck to Alan Main - the former Dundee Utd, St.Johnstone and Gretna goalkeeper - who’s joined the coaching staff at Dunfermline FC.
Alan’s a legend (don’t forget, all of his clubs have got a stand named after him...) and, on a personal note, he was between the sticks for my all-time favourite Team of the Week on Off The Ball - The World War Two xI.
Managed by Nuremberg Rally McCoist, here’s the full line-up:
1/ The Battle of El Alan Main
2/ Dunkirk Broadfoot
3/ Ashley Cole-ditz
4/ Wayne Bridge Over The river Kwai
5/ Erik Bo Anderson Shelter 6/ Hamish French resistance 7/ Eoin Hess
8/ George Best (frequently blitzed)
9/ Stalin Shearer
10/ The Diary Of Ann Frank McAvennie
11/ Tore Tore Tore Andre Flo!
Best wishes to Dylan Wood
Best wishes to young Harry styles fan Dylan Wood who - miraculously - escaped with just cuts & bruises after plunging from the top tier at Ibrox stadium.
As my Celtic-daft pal was quick to point out, the Rangers supporters are insisting he DIDN’t fall from the top tier - he was illegally relegated... Having seen the video, I’m just astonished Rangers weren’t awarded a penalty.
Ps. If you’ll permit me to dust down one of the oldest gags of all-time, I bet young Dylan was delighted he was wearing his light fawn jaiket...
My fave funny photos of the week
Her: “Fancy watching Love Island tonight?” Me: “No thanks, I’ve got some- thing better to do.”
For those of you who missed last week’s concert on BBC1, here are some jubilee clips...
Is it just me or does this fella look like Prince Harry AND Prince William?
Careless Lisper
Vets issue urgent warning about letting your dog eat Kellogg’s Frosties
If you thought this was Bert from Sesame Street, you need an eye-test.
Text jokes of the week
1992: How do you double the price of a Skoda? Fill the tank with petrol. 2022: How do you double the price of a Porsche 911 GT4? Fill the tank with petrol.
So, we’ve had chickenpox, swine flu, bird flu, Covid (bats) and now monkeypox. Why worry about trying to get a doctor’s appointment - it’s a vet you need!
The four most expensive commodities by weight? 4/ Silver; 3/ Gold; 2/ Platinum; 1/ Odeon pick ’n’ mix.
Top Tip: the cost of fuel is so outrageous I couldn’t afford to put petrol in my lawnmower. So I now use vodka - it’s cheaper and my grass comes up half-cut.
I accidentally drank some holy water with my laxative. I’m about to start a religious movement.
Just returned a woollen cardigan to the shop after my girlfriend kept getting a static shock off me. They gave me another one free of charge.
What I admire most about one-man bands is how they conduct themselves.
I just got a message on my mobile from the New Zealand rugby team. I think I’ve been the victim of a phone hakka…
Last month I joined a dating site for arsonists. It’s great. They send me new matches every day.
And finally
Just had a call from the doctor as my blood tests show I have monkeypox. He’s asked me to swing by the surgery.
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