According to reports, a mystery BBC presenter who allegedly fathered a love-child with a stripper wrote his catchphrase on her GG boobs.
That’s plenty of room for “the most petty and ill-informed sports programme on radio” but I can assure you it wasn’t Stuart Cosgrove.
(He can barely raise a smile these days…)
While the search continues for another big diddy, I see we’re also on the hunt for a new James Bond.
However, the next 007 won’t be unveiled until they decide on a suitable villain and producer Barbara Broccoli has revealed she keeps asking the writers: “What is the world afraid of?”
That sounds ominous. Forget Blofeld, Scaramanga and Auric Goldfinger - perhaps the latest Bond baddie will be a BBC executive who threatens to recommission Mrs Brown’s Boys…
Staying with the entertainment world, a wee bit of personal news: my telly appearances have dried up ever since I co-presented The Hour on STV (what a fortnight that was!) but I’ve just signed a deal with UK Gold.
I start 15 years ago…
I love UK Gold. Mainly because - a bit like Sky Arts’ approach to Andre Rieu & his orchestra - it shows wall-to-wall episodes of Only Fools And Horses (the second-greatest sitcom in TV history after Cheers).
It was revealed this week that Sir David “Del Boy” Jason raked in £1.2m last year and I was gobsmacked.
Lovely jubbly, you may be thinking, he’s worth every penny.
But hang on, considering the Trotters basically prop up the UK Gold schedule seven days a week, 52 weeks a year, this sounds like an even dodgier deal than Peckham Spring Water.
After conducting some extensive research (flicking through the Sky schedule for the next seven days) I make it UK Gold puts out THIRTY-ONE episodes of Only Fools a week! That works out at 1,612 a year!!
Which means Sir David trousered just over 700 quid per episode. Chateauneuf du Pape!
Not bad during a cost of living crisis, but hardly a fair price for bringing one of THE greatest comedy characters to our screens.
Elsewhere on TV, even though I cracked a few jokes (yes, JOKES!) in last week’s column, I was cheering all the way for my Radio Scotland colleague Kaye Adams on Strictly and was totally gutted when she was the first person voted off.
Come on, judges, the worst performer by a MILE on Saturday night was Robbie Williams.
Meanwhile, Dancing On Ice (that’s what Tony Adams appears to be doing on Strictly) is back, which provokes the question: Is global warming REALLY such a bad thing?
I’d love to see one of mates - Big Davie from Wishaw - take part.
He’s not a celebrity, sure, but he DOES drive a gritter lorry…
If it was PROPER entertainment you were looking for this week, what about the big football match on Tuesday night?
Sure, it was a very one-sided affair - men against boys, in fact - but I thought Motherwell were BRILLIANT against Ross County.
Sadly, though, I couldn’t make it up to Dingwall to watch the
amazing 5-0 victory. I was playing in goals for Liverpool…
PS. The greatest football story NEVER told? In the week of what would have been the late, great Jock Stein’s 100th birthday, what about this cracker from my big pal Alan Rough which, unbelievably, he NEVER tells in his after-dinner routine?
On the night Jock died - right after the final whistle when Scotland beat Wales in a 1985 World Cup qualifier - Roughie was put on as a second-half substitute after Jim Leighton lost a contact lens.
So big Jock’s LAST WORDS EVER to Alan Rough were: “Right, ya fat ****, you’re oan!”
Trust me, Roughie, that MUST be the title of your autobiography.
PPS. Meanwhile, Jodie Whittaker says she can’t talk about her Doctor Who exit without bursting into tears. So why not do us all a favour, hen, and STOP F****** TALKING ABOUT IT?!?
All shook up
Lisa Ringsell from Dundee couldn’t believe her eyes when she saw the image of Elvis Presley at the bottom of the ketchup pot with her chicken nuggets.
And it was so lifelike, it tanned two of them…
McDonald’s have now added an “adult” Happy Meal to their menu.
Two questions. Do you still get a toy? And does it need batteries?
In other food & drink news, a 109-year-old woman from Shropshire says she has a bacon roll every morning.
She started it in 2004 and hopes to finish it when she gets her new teeth.
PS. Believe it or not, folks, despite being fond of my grub (trust me, you would NOT share a fish supper with yours truly), I have NEVER tried KFC.
Do you think I should add it to my bucket list?
Lookalike of the Week?
Look who enjoyed a drink last Saturday night with Willem Dafoe.
Uncanny, eh?
Arm-a-get-in
Claiming he was doing it “for his god”, a man in India has kept his right arm raised in the air for 14 years.
When Richard Gough did it, he was claiming for offside.
Devotion to religion can be quite incredible.
I’m reminded of Sister Agnes who, after 10 years in a convent with a strict vow of silence, was allowed to say just two words to Mother Superior.
“Bed hard,” she said.
A shocked Mother Superior dealt with the issue right away and bought her a brand new mattress.
Ten years later, Agnes was allowed another two words.
“Food bad,” she said.
Again, Mother Superior was aghast and called in a top quality chef to cook all the meals.
Ten years later, Sister Agnes was granted another two words.
“I quit,” she said.
And Mother Superior said: “Aye, probably just as well - you’ve done f*** all but complain since you got here…”
Someone isn't going to heaven...
Professor Vincent Eke of Durham University has revealed the Moon was formed after an impact between Earth and a Mars-sized planet 4.5 billion years ago.
Ehhh, so what about all that b*llocks they told us at school?
Someone take that pen off him...
Sam Cox - aka Mr Doodle - who has decorated his entire house in - yep - DOODLES!
Did you see the horrific pics in the paper?
I imagine any friends or relatives daft enough to pay him a visit are given a packet of Anadin Extra at the front door.
Each to their own, of course, but I personally think the house would look better if, in keeping with the theme, it was hit by a doodlebug…
Tell you who else has been wasting plenty of money - Scotland’s judges and sheriffs.
It’s been revealed they spent a whopping £48,000 of OUR dosh over the past five years on… WIGS!
Surely in this day and age it would work out cheaper if they all flew to Turkey for a hair transplant?
My fave funny photos of the week
That’s a worrying sign...
“The name’s Bond, James Bond. And you are...?”
Members of the hip-hop community gather to pay their respects to Coolio.
OK, Father Ted, explain this one...
These sheep are bred specifically for kilt-making.
Remember, folks, never buy an iPad off a chancer.
Text jokes of the week
King Charles is to get his crown next year. Things are bad when even the King can’t get a dental appointment.
My grandad fought hard in WW2 and I think he’d be proud of what the Tories have done in Britain. Mind you, he was in the SS.
Russia once had the second-most powerful army in the world. Now it has the second-most powerful army in Ukraine.
Which idiot decided to call it a Prince Albert instead of a Pierce M’Organ…?
My grandfather is in his 90s and he’s studying for a history degree. Surely that’s cheating?
I was accused yesterday of being a narcissist. I think I’ll have to take a long, hard look in the mirror.
Anyone who says marriage is an equal partnership is talking rubbish. I gave up my pals, my motorbike, my drinking, my snooker, my gambling… and all my wife gave up was sex.
Did you know that Sean Connery was once banned from Victoria’s Secret? He asked an assistant if a pair of knickers were satin…
Tonight’s Hecklers’ Anonymous meeting is at 7pm tonight. Bring your own boos.
I’m off to university to improve my Cuppa Soup skills. I’m doing a Bachelors degree.
They say a woman’s work is never done. Do you think that’s why they get paid less?
I start my new job tomorrow as an apprentice bell ringer. It’s my first day, so they’ll just be showing me the ropes.
Just ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon. I’ll let you know…
And finally
There was a major disruption for commuters in Surrey on Monday when a swan wandered onto a railway line.
Sounds like cygnet failure.
